8.31.16 - Stephen Holds Down the Fort

With Al still down with a broken elbow, Danny out in Vermont not racing Green Mountain Stage Race (wait what? Why? That's ridiculous, who goes to Vermont in September and doesn't race GMSR? I know, and he knows, he feels very, very ashamed... I mean maybe a crit-specialist or if he was over 80kg or something but Danny?! DANNY?! GMSR is a perfect race for him... what was he thinking) but I digress, Old Jay wasn't there either, he was up north doing who-knows-what with north people so Stephen tried to keep it together. Apparently he kept spirits up by just stomping on everyone.

Full Results

Primes (-1pt)

  • Fletcher: Stephen
  • Parker: Stephen
  • Zeeb: Stephen

Final (Wagner)

  1. Stephen (-3)
  2. Matt
  3. POTOKING
  4. Mongo John
  5. John (-1)
  6. Dave

Team Competition

  1. Team Yelle: 0ptsStephen, POTOKING, John
  2. Team French Words: 6pts: Matt, Mongo John, Dave

8.24.16 - And then came the storm

The weather prediction was just favorable enough for a few optimistic riders to gather at Barton for the start of another Nacho Ride. Five riders started out from the Barton lot (Danny, Stephen, David, John, and Matt). The group picked up Cam and Juan on the way to Maple, and then picked up Rob and 'Mongo' John by Stein. Nine riders for a 50/50 chance of epic rain--not bad.

By Farrell, Danny and Stephen decided there would be two teams and that the same scoring would be used as last week:

  • A chance for -1 at the three stop-aheads for the first to cross (like normal)
  • The top 3 riders from each team are scored as normal (points = place, like normal)
  • The top 4th place rider will get a -1 (awesome new idea)
  • Lowest team score at the end wins!

There were a bunch of new people on the ride, which made sorting teams pretty tough. David and John are strong Dirthammer riders and were known quantities. Matt apparently is a crushing triathlete, so his strengths were known (at least to Danny). Mongo John is a Nacho Ride regular. Cam is an AAVC rider going way back (we didn't even realize he had an old AAVC jersey on!), and Juan and Rob were two younger riders that Stephen had certainly never seen before.

Danny won the right to choose first, based on winning a throw of rock-paper-scissors (paper over rock), and the following two teams were formed:

  • Team Breakin2: Danny, Matt, Juan, Rob
  • Team ElectricBugaloo: Stephen, David, John, Mongo John, Cam

On the famous 'Douche Boys' turn on Daly Road, another car chose to pass the peloton on the blind corner, leaving most just shaking their heads and feeling thankful that there wasn't a car coming the other way. Idiot.

Just after choosing teams, it started to rain. However, it didn't really feel like rain--it felt more like water droplets suspended in air, as they seemed to hit the riders on the face but most couldn't feel the drops on the tops of their arms. By the time the peloton rolled into Dexter, it felt like real rain. Then, by the time the peloton started to ride on Island Lake Road out of Dexter, it was a full on epic downpour. It was the type of rain that makes a rider feel like they are being sprayed with a hose when riding in a paceline. Cam noted that it was 'just like licking the road.'

The rain didn't let up after the turn onto Dancer. Most riders were happy that the driving rain was keeping the mud off the bikes. At this point, David's fancy disk brakes were sounding like the grittiest grit sandpaper in the world, making everyone riding rim brakes happy that they hadn't spent the coin to 'upgrade' yet. The trade-off is that David could stop when it was time to cross Dexter-Chelsea, whereas almost everyone else was grabbing handfuls of brake. Everyone except John, who had that 'other' brand of brakes.

Somewhere around Jerusalem the rain let up and stopped, glasses started to dry off, and people started wishing it was still raining so the mud would be continuously washed off the bikes.

Stephen and Danny jammed the Nature Cut again, just because it is so much fun, and the group collected on the other side. Everyone except Mongo John. Stephen and David headed back to see if he might be laying in a ditch with a broken collarbone (probably not, hopefully not) and finally spotted him coming down Sager. Luckily, he only had (another) flat.

After regrouping, the 'rules' were explained and the peloton headed down to Waters, with probably 50% of the riders actually understanding the 'rules.'

The group hit Waters and Rob quickly went to the front, driving the pace much higher than the regular Nacho riders expected. Immediately, everyone's glasses were covered in mud, making vision difficult. Rod pulled off leaving Stephen on the front, who had no interest in riding that fast. David then went to the front and took a pretty long pull, getting the group most of the way to the Fletcher prime. With the prime in sight, Rob and Juan went to work throwing some attacks, which Stephen was able to cover. Juan had the best attack, which left him and Stephen out in front of the group by a good margin. Stephen, who didn't want to let the group catch back on, led out an early sprint, which coaxed Juan into countering. Stephen hopped on his wheel and was able to easily come around to take the first prime.

The group quickly reformed with all riders for sector 2 of Waters. Sector 2 went similar to the first, with Danny's team throwing down some attacks for Stephen and his team to cover. The group stayed together most of the way until John put down some power on an uphill and got some space. The group let him get away a bit until Danny decided to close the gap, just before the Parker prime (which Stephen now knows the location of). Stephen was able to come around for the sprint, taking the 2nd prime.

The group, again complete, hit sector 3. Juan jumped hard and no one gave chase. Danny's team used their strengths optimally to gradually wear down Stephen and his team, allowing Juan to throw the perfect attack; it was almost like A! was on the ride!

Stephen was hoping that Juan wouldn't commit to the attack and just continued to ride tempo at the front hoping that Juan would be reeled back in (he was wrong). David and John both took good pulls at the front, but it became clear that Juan would take the 3rd prime and 1st at Wagner. With that, the ride became a numbers game, with both teams jockeying to get riders across the line before the other team.

On the 4th and final sector, the pace was increased. Mongo John went to the front and pushed the pace hard. Danny came around on the last big hill and caused the group to split. With Juan already across the line, the race was on for 2nd. Stephen came around Danny, and then Rob decided to go for it (on his road bike) up the right hand side of the road. Potholes made Rob's attack more difficult than planned, and Stephen was able to sprint over another set of potholes to take the field sprint. Somehow Danny was his team's 4th place rider and the first 4th place rider across the line, which gave him -1pts for the ride. The remaining riders came across the line shortly after. Everyone was stoked on riding so hard in such epic (shitty) conditions, and celebrated by taking a number of selfies.

Despite being soaked and absolutely covered in road grit and mud, everyone except Matt made their way to Chela's and Glasshouse for post ride food and beer. The looks and comments from the other patrons were priceless, and after their fill of food and beer, the week's Nacho riders rode home feeling just a bit more awesome.

Ride of the Night:

Juan's perfectly executed attack to take the Nacho Ride win on a borrowed bike easily earned him the ride of the night.

A!'s music taste update:
A! spent considerable effort on varying social media platforms (Strava, Facebook) since last week, demonstrating his varied and non-Nacho Ride music preference. therefore, it has been decided that A! does in fact have good taste in music.

Full Results

Primes (-1pt)

  • Fletcher: Stephen
  • Parker: Stephen
  • Zeeb: Juan

Final (Wagner)

  1. Juan (-1)
  2. Stephen (-2)
  3. Rob
  4. Matt
  5. Danny (-1)
  6. John
  7. Mongo John
  8. David
  9. Cam

Team Competition

  1. Team Breakin2: 6pts Juan (0), Rob (3), Matt (4), and Danny (-1)
  2. Team ElectricBugaloo: 13pts Stephen (0), John (6), Mongo John (7), David, and Cam

8.17.16 - Solid Turnout despite the rain (clap clap)

After the storms rolled through earlier in the afternoon, nine riders gathered at Barton Park for another edition (although a bit shorter edition) of the legendary Nacho Ride. Notable absences included so-called 'Old Jay With Shaved Legs' (on something called a 'vacation'), A! nibby-nub, and Kyle, who seems to now prefer the pain cave of TrainerRoad in his basement rather than the pain cave of the dirt and gravel on Waters Road. Those present included Danny, Stephen, Kurt, Rich, Ian, Kevin (his first Nacho Ride), Kathleen, Lo, and POTOKING.

The group headed out at 6:05, lead by Ian (who would not be doing the whole ride) up the Maple climb. Danny and Stephen discussed the loss of the Merkel prime and couldn't come up with any options to replace it. On Stein it was determined (using engineering) that two teams would be best. After discussing at length the strengths of the week's riders, Danny and Stephen played a single game of rock-paper-scissors to determine who would pick first, as they deemed themselves team captains. Danny won with scissors over Stephen's paper, and teams were lovingly curated to ensure maximum fun on Waters. The following teams were established:

Team A!HasTerribleTasteInMusic: Stephen, POTOKING, Lo, Kathleen, and Kevin

Team A!HasExcellentTasteInMusic: Danny, Rich, Kurt, John (who would join in Dexter)

The north half of Nacho Ride went by so quickly without that pesky stretch of Walsh and Merkel. Much conversation was being had and good vibes were spreading throughout the peloton. Apparently the shortened route caused some confusion about where the male riders could relieve themselves, and so at a random point on Dancer, someone remarked that 'Rich stopped to pee back there,' bringing the entire peloton to a grinding halt. Everyone that is, except POTOKING, who preferred to roll on and let everyone gradually wind him back in.

On the way to the Nature Cut, a novel scoring scheme was devised:

  • A chance for -1 at the three stop-aheads for the first to cross (like normal)
  • The top 3 riders from each team are scored as normal (points = place, like normal)
  • The top 4th place rider will get a -1 (awesome new idea)

Danny and Stephen decided it would be fun to hammer the Nature Cut segment in pursuit of KOM glory, and thereby inspired almost everyone in the peloton to give a bit more speed on the sweet singletrack.

The group hit Waters Road at a lazy pace, and Kurt moved to the front to get the group moving faster than the slower than slow pace it started at. Once the first stop-ahead was in sight, Stephen pulled through and upped the pace. Rich tried to up the pace again, but Stephen turned it up and led the sprint out from the front with Danny nipping at his rear wheel. Stephen easily took the first prime.

The sprint caused a split, which was favorable for Team A!HasTerribleTasteInMusic, so Stephen went to the front to keep the pace high enough to prevent regrouping. When the road turned up, Danny put in a long (for Danny) and hard effort that shed more riders. He let up, and seemed to be going slow until a seemingly random spot. That random spot was for the stop-ahead that Stephen still can't remember the location of. Stephen tried his no quit no spit sprint move, but failed, with Danny taking a well timed sprint. The front group was down to Danny, Stephen, POTOKING, and Kevin, and then Rich was able to rejoin due to traffic.

On the third sector, with Team A!HasTerribleTasteInMusic having 3 riders present, Stephen went to the front again to keep the pace high enough to prevent any others from catching back on. Danny and Rich both took a couple jumps that Stephen easily closed. At the sprint, Stephen again started from the front but didn't have his super special extra sprint power and Danny was able to edge him out at the line by a tire width after a fun drag race.

The forth sector began with Stephen, Danny, and POTOKING in the front with Kevin and Rich a bit back (maybe?). Again Stephen took to the front, with Danny taking the lead and going super hard right near the end, claiming it is his only move with a 40T chainring. Danny started to sprint, Stephen came around, and then POTOKING came around both of them to take the win! POTOKING was proud but humble with his victory, acknowledging that he was not the strongest rider but played his cards the best. Is POTOKING now NACHOKING?

Next to come through was Kevin, then Rich. and then a group with Kathleen (earning the -1), Kurt, and Lo then came through. Where was John? Oh yeah, he had a flat way back at the beginning and told folks to go on. After standing on the side of the road getting eaten by mosquitos, Rich said he could ride back to meet John, thereby relieving the group of waiting for who knows how long. Thanks Rich!

Team A!HasTerribleTasteInMusic easily took the victory -- does this mean that A! nibby-nub does have bad taste in music? Only time will tell.

The group rolled back into town with no set plan for the after-ride social. Stephen had to go home for some reason (his parents were in town) and the others didn't want to make him feel bad. However, there was discussion about how the shorter route enables the potentially excellent combo of Chela's + Glasshouse. Maybe next week?

Ride of the Night:

Lo was an easy pick for ride of the night. She smashed her previous Waters Road effort and just seemed to be having a super awesome time.

Full Results

Primes (-1pt)

  • Fletcher: Stephen
  • Parker: Danny
  • Zeeb: Danny

Final (Wagner)

  1. POTOKING
  2. Stephen (-1)
  3. Danny (-2)
  4. Kevin
  5. Rich
  6. Kathleen (-2)
  7. Kurt
  8. Lo
  9. John (Hopefully)

Team Competition

  1. Team A!HasTerribleTasteinMusic: 5pts POTOKING (1) Stephen (1) Kevin (4), Kathleen (-1), Lo
  2. Team A!HasExcellentTasteInMusic: 13pts Danny (1), Rich (5), Kurt (7), John

8.10.16 - We Didn't Do the Writeup This Week CLAP CLAP

Al's elbow is broken and Danny is a lazy sack of shit. So we didn't do the writeup this week CLAP CLAP.

Full Results

Primes (-1pt)

  • Merkel: Danny, Old Jay Harvey
  • Fletcher: Harvey
  • Parker: Danny
  • Zeeb: Danny

Final (Wagner)

  1. Old Jay (-1)
  2. Danny (-3)
  3. Rich
  4. Khao
  5. Matt
  6. Harvey (-2)
  7. John
  8. Brick Krauss
  9. Dylan
  10. Brian
  11. Sean
  12. Lo

Team Competition

  1. Team Snooki: 21pts Danny, Matt, Dave, Brick Krauss
  2. Team Mommy: 27pts: Old Jay, Harvey, Khao, Sean
  3. Team Icanteven: 31pts Rich, Dylan, Brian, Lo, John

8.03.16 - The Al-bow Nibby Nub Memorial Ride

This past Monday, the Grand Melon (pronounced “mel-OWN”) of Nachori.de, A! McWilliams, fell from his bicycle and broke his elbow off. The nibby nub bone on the tip of his elbow just came off. Like a pointy fake nose. Al is recovering from surgery well and is looking forward to rejoining us in 6-8 weeks.

And thus, we gathered on the 3rd day of August in the two thousand and sixteenth year of our lord, not to mourn the detachment of A!’s elbow nibby nub, but to remember the great times we’ve all shared with it while it was still sturdily attached

[pause 3 seconds to cast a wistful gaze]

… That playful nudge at the bar. That WWE-style elbow drop at the bar. That WWE-style spinning discus elbow smash at the bar. That basic horizontal down elbow (Muay Thai short range strike) at the bar.

And of course the ol’ slippery elbow after a few drinks at the bar. (Ed. Note: No need to Google it…It’s exactly what you think it is).

Since A! was busy watching Masterchef on pain meds and couldn’t join us on the ride, I agreed to be the guest columnist for the nachori.de results this week.

[Wall Street Journal hedcut portrait Danny3.jpg]

On the way to Merkel, Danny and Old Jay with The Shaved Legs chose teams New World Order-style. Their cabal tended toward fairness, though, and the following teams were established:
Team BackDatPussy: Danny, Rich, Chuck, and Jack
Team TeaseAMawfucker: Old Jay with the Shaved Legs, Colin, Juan, Dylan
Team It’sAPieceOfCakeToBakeAPrettyCake: Matt, POTOKING, John, NotHisRealNameGahl, and Khao

Scoring would be back to normal. With 13 dudes total, the top four scores for each team would count.

The crowd was lighter than the previous couple weeks. Stephen was purportedly doing the science in the RaleighDurham research triangle, but was probably just scared because he heard Danny had been training at altitude the over previous 5 days (true). Al was elbroken and Kurt was birdwatching (mostly true). Can’t wait to hear the other excuses.

On Walsh, Colin and NotHisRealNameGahl, lost in conversation, unconsciously picked up the pace, gapped the group, and flirted with a disqualification for opening up the Merkel Prime too early. The group closed the gap just before the turn onto Merkel and the prime was determined to be legitimate. Colin sat up and Old Jay with The Shaved Legs dummied an attack, but no one bit. Danny went next and Old Jay with The Shaved Legs matched the jump, riding Shaved Leg to Shaved Leg with Danny up most of the hill. Prime winners were Danny, Old Jay with The Shaved Legs, and Chuck. Nice, Chuck. Advantage: Team BackDatPussy.

The ride progressed at a clipped clip thanks to no flats, no breaks, and a whole lotta tawny muscle (Colin and NotHisRealNameGahl). It would be seen later that this was fastest start-to-finish average pace on the full frontal nachori.de route to date, proving that we were indeed Gahling ass.

Somewhere in the middle Dylan (pronounced Die-lawn) went AWHEEL, leaving Team TeaseAMawfucker down a man. Way to TeaseAMawfucker, Dylan. The Nacho NWO schemed and determined that Khao would be reassigned to Team TeaseAMawfucker.

Waters road opened with a bunch of soft, floppy pedaling until Colin went to the pointy end and made it harder. Matt kept the stiff pace up as the Fletcher prime approached, but not stiff enough to prevent Old Jay with The Shaved Legs from going around the outside, round the outside, round the outside. Spraying a close to LD50 dose of gravel at all the pursuivants, Old Jay with the Shaved Legs took the Fletcher prime, and tied the fake racing bicycling match at -2 between Teams BackDatPussy and TeaseAMawfucker.

With Jack OTB after Fletcher, Team BDP was content to dangle off and slightly to the left of those limply pedaling on the front. Colin, again, stimulated the pace after the brief refractory period (interlewd?).

Juan - aboard an aero Cervelo road frame, 26mm slicks, and on his first full Nachori.de - was the next to launch an attack. The skeptical group was slow to chase, but a slight acceleration brought back the attack a minute and a half later. Colin again moved to the fore and drilled it up the first of the significant Fletcher-Parker inclines, shedding a couple from the group. Danny attacked into the next incline and only Colin and Old Jay with the Shaved Legs could follow as the three approached the sneaky Parker “Stop Ahead” sign prime. Danny dropped his ass down low and picked that mawfucker up.

Having a small gap after the Parker road crossing, Danny kept the pressure on and was joined eventually by Colin. Old Jay with The Shaved Legs let Colin and Danny go “because Colin was on his team”.  Great teamwork, Jay.

After leaving Old Jay with The Shaved Legs to regroup behind with Rich and Chuck, Danny and Colin traded several pulls and some overly theatrical “exhausted” body language. Then Colin flatted. Danny set the dial to TT mode, flicked the brain switch to the off position, and set course to the pain cave. Hello darkness, my old friend.

Helping to preserve Danny’s advantage were Rich and Chuck both gently suckling on Jay’s wheel. When Old Jay’s pace dropped too much and the trio was in danger of getting caught from behind by the POTOKING/NotHisRealNameGahl/Khao group, Rich pulled hard up to Zeeb and then up to Tessmer. Old Jay with The Shaved Legs came around Rich on the first incline after Tessmer, distancing Rich, but unable to shake Chuck. Old Jay with the Shaved Legs then reached deep down into the dirt locker and put in one last kick on the downhill to Wagner (pronounced Vog-ner), crossing in second behind Danny. Chuck and Rich came across well ahead of the next group on the road.

After the group dispersed from Wagner, Old Jay with The Shaved Legs and Danny went to pay their respects to the recovering, bedridden Grand Melon, bringing tidings of comfort and joy and Taco King. Jay captured the moment with this Snapchat.

Ride of the Night:

It was a strong ballot for RotN. Khao made a strong case for his second RotN of the season, again beating his seed. Old Jay with the Shaved Legs put the team on his back doe and took two primes, and the reduced field sprint at Wagner. BUT, Chuck gets the nod this week after snagging a Merkel prime, finishing a close third, and helping Team BackDatPussy to the win. Way to BackDatPussy, Chuck. U DA REAL MVP.

Full Results

Primes (-1pt)

  • Merkel: Danny, Old Jay with The Shaved Legs, Chuck
  • Fletcher: Old Jay with the Shaved Legs
  • Parker: Danny
  • Zeeb: Danny

Final ("Vog-ner")

  1. Danny
  2. Old Jay with the Shaved Legs
  3. Chuck
  4. Rich
  5. POTOKING
  6. Gahl
  7. Khao
  8. Matt
  9. Juan
  10. John
  11. Jack
  12. Dylan
  13. Colin

Team Competition

  1. Team BackDatPussy: 15 pts Danny (-2), Chuck (2), Rich (4), Jack (11)
  2. Team TeaseAMawfucker: 28 pts Old Jay with The Shaved Legs (0), Khao (7), Juan (9), Colin (12)
  3. Team ItsAPieceOfCakeToBakeAPrettyCake: 29 pts POTOKING (5), Gahl (6), Matt (8), John (10)/li>

7.27.16 - Team Pussygood: The System is Rigged!

A nice day and a particularly amazing musical selection led to a record crowd for the rollout. It was somewhere between fifteen and eighteen, I'm not a great counter, plus no one is sure whether to count Sean as zero or two. The influx of Lady fans meant a lot of new faces on the ride so Al decided to try a randomized team selection and had everyone count off. When Danny & Al ended up on the same team Stephen was convinced it was a setup. His theory however overestimates two things: 1. Al's ability to do simple division & 2. how much anyone cares.

After playing chicken with a few pickup trucks on Jennings the Merkel Prime opened up slowly. Danny didn't go from the corner which confused everyone. Al took advantage of the confusion to catch the group napping and get a head start. Stephen & Danny followed to take the three spots but Stephen was going 100% the whole time while Danny & Al were only in the mid fifty-percent effort range.

Rolling through Dexter we ran into a hobo with a flat tire. After helping him fix it we started to call him Old Jay because he looked A LOT like Old Jay (but smelled way, way, better). Stephen turned the cranks a little through Nature Cut and screamed "I'm going 100% and trying as hard as I can this is as fast as I can go! 100% all the time!" No one thought it was cool.

With 5 & 6 on each team, Rules on Waters was 4th man counted at Wagner with 1 point primes. Tactics would play a huge part to get your fourth man across the line so even with Stephen whining constantly about Danny & Al being on the same team, in reality it didn't mean shit. Not because the 4th man counted but because Al decided to put the whole team on his back and carry them to victory. Also, because the huge teams meant hardly anyone actually knew who was on their team, or who their fourth rider was. Still don't. Maybe the teams were: Team Pussygood: Danny, Sam, Dave, Jack, Dylan, & Al; Team Pussysweet: Stephen, Old Jay, Derek, Sean, & Brad; Team Pussynoughtoeat: Kurt, Brian, John, Cole, ... oh man, they only had four. Oops.

Everything rolled up slow on Waters. Team PG kept Sam & Danny up front to mop up Primes while Al focused on sheltering the Champ (Jack) to the final line at Wagner for the GC. Team PS had the sprint power in Stephen for the primes with Old Jay watching the group and covering breaks. Team Pnoughtoeat had no idea what was going on. Kurt asked who was on his team as we were turning onto Waters. It's almost like this race doesn't mean anything to him. Going into the Fletcher prime Danny & Sam were supposed to alternate attacks to keep No Quit No Spit Stephen from the sprint. Danny did his best to challenge but Stephen took the sprint and the point.

The group split for a moment on the Parker Segment but came back together steadily. Sam went to the front and rode hard. Al went to the front to tell Sam to stop it. Sam didn't stop it. When Sam pulled into the rollers and dropped off the back Team PG's strategy was collapsing despite Al's cheating in team selection. Stephen attacked over the last roller; Danny went with him and Stephen jumped on his wheel. With Sam dangling on the back, and Danny leading out Stephen for the prime, Al pulled the old dead-fish and closed from far back to take the Parker Prime for team PG. Old Jay was on his wheel to come around but said, "I'm not actually Old Jay, I'm a random hobo, remember?"

There was a little more attacking early on the Zeeb section. The group split into two, but came back together. Except for Sean, he was probably already at Matt's house. Everyone else was still together, and having a grand old time. Al rode off the front a couple of times just to make Stephen chase but everyone was starting to think about how to get separation. How do you get your 4th man separated form the other 4th men. Coming up to the Zeeb Prime things were starting to splinter, and with Sam out of the Prime picture Al attacked early. Stephen was fully sick of his bullshit by now let him go. He rolled easy to the Zeeb Prime.

With a nice gap on the group, and absolutely no one giving even one single shit, Al rode tempo to an easy win. Back in the group things stayed steady and together until the sprint started opening up around Tessemer. Then, attacks were fast and frequent. Danny went, Stephen went, Old Hobo Jay went and then Dave went! Old Hobo Jay had the right timing today and took best of the rest. Too bad it was a random Hobo and not Old Jay. Old Jay would have probably been pretty horny, no hard, no happy about the result. Stephen, Kurt, Dave, Danny & Sam followed with Brian & John close behind. Jack rolled in lonely and then like a million years later Sean & Cole joined us at Wagner.

DISCLAIMER: results out of the top 5 are largely made up and I'm pretty sure I've forgotten someone entirely

Ride of the night

Dave pulled out all the stops for Team Pussygood finishing 6th

Full Results

Primes (-1pt)

  • Merkel: Stephen, Danny, Al
  • Fletcher: Stephen
  • Parker: Al
  • Zeeb: Al

Final (Wagner)

  1. Al
  2. Old Jay
  3. Stephen
  4. Kurt
  5. Danny
  6. Dave
  7. Sam
  8. Brian
  9. John
  10. Derek
  11. Brad
  12. Dylan
  13. Jack
  14. Cole
  15. A loaf of Melba Toast
  16. Sean

Team Competition

  1. Team Pussygood: 2pts Al (-3), Danny (-1), Dave 6pts, Sam, Jack, Dylan
  2. Team Pussysweet: 9pts: Old Jay, Stephen (-2), Brad 11pts, Derek, Sean 3pts,
  3. Team Pussynoughtoeat: 14pts Cole 14pts, Kurt, Brian, John

7.20.16 - Team Len: Seeding Finally Works (kind of, count it)

Old Jay broke the news early that he'd be checking out early to make it home in time for his squirrel orgy, or alpaca romp, or... some kind of mammal-party (with crafting!). I dunno, he left early for something less cool that riding really hard for something nobody cares about. That left us with eight riders. Since everyone (with the exception of Chuck) had a number of previous runs, we used loose morals to make a loose estimation of seeding score with the top seeds being Stephen, Colin & Al anchoring team LEN: Stephen, POTOKING & Chuck; Team My Sunshine: Al, Scott & Ethan and of course Team Your Sunshine: Colin, Kurt & Jack.

Kurt was put on Team Your Sunshine due to his strength at the new-nacho format that often stays together until the final downhill sprint (Kurt is excellent at downhill sprints, or so he says). He had a flat on the approach to Merkel Prime, which actually wasn't a flat, that's just how slow he was going. Things aren't looking good for team Your Sunshine. Their only hope was Jack, who may or may not have gotten totally hopped up on crystal methamphetamines on his lunch break. Maybe. Maybe not. After a little regroup for the (false) flat (not the good kind), Scott lead the group out into the Merkel Prime. Stephen sprinted hard from the back to grab the first point, Colin took the 2nd point and Al, always the lazy shit, only pedaled hard enough to grab the 3rd point with Phantom Old Jay.

After much discussion of the heat, and water, and food, and how many times had Jack peed in the Nature Cut - I know what you're thinking, did he piss all six times or just five? Well, do you feel lucky punk? Do you feel lucky regarding Jack's urination history? - waters opened up really, really slowly. Whatever man, it was goddam hot out there, lay off. No one felt like pedaling that hard, which was fine by everyone else. Eventually the first Prime at Fletcher was approaching and Scott was bored. He went to the front and upped the pace. Stephen & Colin went with him while the rest sat in and let New Guy Chuck close the gap. He didn't quite and the three front guys sprinted it out with Stephen collecting the point.

The Parker section was steady going as well with everyone content to tap out a steady pace in the heat. The rollers separated a front group of Stephen, Colin, Scott & Al who tried to sneak around Stephen for the Parker Prime but Stephen responded just in time and got it by a throw. As the only team with two men in the front group, Al & Scott of Team My Sunshine were pretty confident to just sit in and collect the win.

Unfortunately, Al really shit the bed in the heat. Once on The Falsest of Flats Al couldn't even hold the pace. Colin didn't even attack, he just went to the front and did what Colin does - make men hard. I mean make men pedal while hard. I mean make men pedal hard. Colin is hard. Stephen and Colin had a gap on Al & Scott going through the Zeeb Prime (that Stephen nabbed easily from behind Colin's pull).

With Al struggling to keep pace, Scott was stuck in no-man's-land with Stephen & Colin up the road, but only about 10 seconds between each group on the road. Al closed the gap to Scott, and then they tried to creep up on the happy couple from behind. Colin checked his tailpipe seconds before Al was all up in it and put in a big dig which gaped the gap again. Al kept it steady, accelerated and tried to lead Scott out to ram Stephen & Colin on the line at Wagner but timed it fractions of a second late with Stephen rolling easy to a win with Colin rolling in gassed behind him and then Scott & Al. Things still looked okay for team My Sunshine until POTOKING & Chuck rolled in together for 6th & 7th giving Team LEN a cool 8 point total which is almost unbeatable.

Ride of the night

Chuck had no idea what he was in for on Waters and was told "about eight miles" every time he asked how long was left. An excellent rookie showing, and tolerance for the general idiocy of Nachori.de

Full Results

Primes (-1pt)

  • Merkel: Stephen, Colin, Al
  • Fletcher: Stephen
  • Parker: Stephen
  • Zeeb: Stephen

Final (Wagner)

  1. Stephen
  2. Colin
  3. Scott
  4. Al
  5. Chuck
  6. POTOKING
  7. Kurt
  8. Ethan
  9. Jack

Team Competition

  1. Team Len: 8pts Stephen -3pts, Chuck 5pts, POTOKING 6pts,
  2. Team My Sunshine 14pts: 4pts Al 3pts, Scott 3pts, Ethan 8pts
  3. Team Your Sunshine: 17pts Colin 1pt, Kurt 7pts, Jack 9pts

7.13.16 - Team Agnetha Fältskog: There are no ties in Nachoride

Darksky gave us a 50% chance of rain, which Al was still banking on well into the first downpour on HRD. "The roads need it," he'd say, "it's so hot that a little rain feels good," he'd say... and he was right.. Once on the dirt everything was nice & smooth. The dust was down and the pace was steady. With the more timid elements having stayed home, Old Jay & Al discussed a race for nine. POTOKING was all, "who the hell are you people," and pulled a Harvey. We're not sure whether Chinese food was involved, but he was gone. So eight. Eight people.

To mix it up on Waters, two teams of four would go at it. Alex captained Team Agnetha Fältskog and added Al, Old Jay & Brian. Jack chose Stephen, Rich & John for Team Anni-Frid Lyngstad. The catch would be that your team's score would only be the place of the third placed rider at Wagner, less your primes. Simple right? But oh so complex. The engineers got right too it, coming up with all the possible combinations... "so your minimum score at Wagner is 3" and no one was able to figure out what your max score would be. I think it's seven. What initially felt like overthinking, and a good way to pass the time riding the same fucking roads we do every week, this game turned out to be incredibly strategic. Do you send some weaker teammates up the road to fight for primes and hold your haawwwwwse (sp?) back to ensure a fast 3rd rider? Do you play it straight and hope for the best? Focus on Primes? Try to gap the other team's 3rd rider early on? Huff some glue at that one farm with all the bullshit on the front lawn? ALL VIABLE OPTIONS.

Turning on to waters Old Jay went to the front and set a steady pace while Al let gaps open for John to close. Team Agnetha's strategy was to gap John and keep Al, Brian & Old Jay in the front group. John did a solid job of staying out of Al's bullshit and kept the gaps tight. Al went early from the back to grab the first Prime but Stephen was ready for it and took the Fletcher Prime by a wheel at the line. Things stayed steady after Fletcher with Old Jay, Al & Stephen getting a little gap. A useless gap because 3rd place counts, idiots.

Everything came back together for the rollers section, Old Jay continued to set the pace, and pushed it over the rollers in another attempt to drop John, who did a solid job of hanging on. At some point Stephen asked Old Jay to warn him when the Prime was coming up. Old Jay assured him that he would, provided Stephen "grow the fuck up and please try to pay attention," or something like that. Just about then Old Jay boxed Stephen in while Al came around to gobble up the Parker Prime.

Al & Stephen sat up after the prime to wait for their respective teams. They passed the time discussing the pros & cons of metric time. After a metric hour, the rest of the front group caught back on and John was still there. With groups of three for each team still together on the Zeeb section, something had to be done. Team Agnetha didn't want this to come down to a six up sprint, but they were running out of time, and so far were unable to pop John off the back. Team Anni-Frid were focused on getting the last Prime at Zeeb. That's when John, for reasons only known to him & his secret imaginary friend, El Lobo, he went to the front and took a pull. Why did he do this? Only Lobo Knows, and Lobo doesn't speak English. Old Jay & Al looked at each other, shrugged, made kissy faces, touched each other (just a little bit) and then dropped the shit outta John. It was a gift. Once on The Falsest of Flats Jay & Al focused on keeping Brian in the group and taking the Prime at Zeeb. It was in the bag. Rich tried to let a gap open for Al to cross, but it was too close to the sprint. Al used the gap to get speed and came around Stephen way to fast for him to react. He was going to look up, see the speed, and call it. Not worth it right? But he didn't. He put it down and nipped Al by a tire width at the line.

After the prime Rich attacked early on the final stretch. On a single speed he had no chance in the downhill sprint so he wisely went early and went hard. Brian went with him with Jay, Al & Stephen content to sit back. Since Team Agnetha had 3 in the group, and Anni-Frid Lyngstad only had two, finish order wasn't that important... Jay & Al just had to beat Stephen... in a downhill sprint... wait, wouldn't it be easier to beat Rich on his singlespee... oh crap. Al upped the pace to reel in Rich & Brian before the big finish, this was far fetched as we've already learned that Al's timing is always wrong. There's a first time for everything. Al & Jay caught Rich 20 meters before the line finishing 1 & 2, but Brian, having sat up, finished 5th, and with John coming in next in 6th... that's 5-1 for Team Agnetha & 6-2 for Team Anni-Frid Lyngstad. It took Old Jay a few minutes to do the math, but eventually he broke the news that, despite the complexity of the results, both equal FOUR. I'm told FOUR is the same number as FOUR, and that Nachori.de was, indeed, a tie.

That's when Alex's phone rang. It was Obama, he said, " hey ReXReX," (they're really tight) "I can't abide a tie on Nachoride, fix this or else." Al decided that the tiebreaker would go to the team who took the overall first place at Wagner, mostly because that was him, and what's Obama gonna do about it?

Ride of the night

Stephen showed no quit taking the Zeeb Prime from Al after a demoralizing attack. Stephen proved once again why they call him "No Quit, No Spit, Stephen."

Full Results

Primes (-1pt)

  • Fletcher: Stephen
  • Parker: Al
  • Zeeb: Stephen

Final (Wagner)

  1. Al
  2. Old Jay
  3. Stephen
  4. Rich
  5. Brian
  6. John
  7. Jack
  8. Alex

Team Competition

  1. Team Agnetha Fältskog: 4pts Al -1pts, Old Jay, Brian 5pts, Alex
  2. Team Anni-Frid Lyngstad: 4pts Stephen -2pts, Rich, John 6pts, Jack

7.6.16 - Humans & Human Babies Need Rules

This week we mixed up the route a bit to hit the new Waterloo BMX track p/b DTE Foundation. It's cool because it's like a BMX track with trees on it. So, you know, don't put your face on them. The route change was sprung on everyone after we started rolling to ensure that no one could back out of this terrible idea. Was it longer? Yes. Was there more pavement? Yes. Did Rich already put his face on a tree? YES OKAY JESUS LAY OFF.

In practice, the Waterloo trail was a great time on CX bikes. It's really built for them, and a great way, and place to learn how to ride smooth. Also in practice, Nachoriders need direction. They crave it. With the loose format the ride quickly turned into half-wheel practice. Is this the slow part or the fast part or the Nachos part? Do I go now? or NOW? Or then? GO NOW? Wait, now? Sometime around North Territorial it degraded into mass confusion.

We also learned that as good as Kurt is at Downhill sprints (or so he says), he's as bad at single track - but he's an excellent sport for going along with the plan anyway, without whining. Old Jay whined less than usual too, which isn't saying much. All in all a success.

The plan was to lift the pace car on Liberty, and those who wanted to rock into town could, and those who didn't would just cruise and meet up at GlassHouse. Each ride would make up his or her own mind. This was just too much to ask. What followed was what I imagine it looks like if launch an app that lets grown-up-children hunt Pokémon on the streets of America. People were going fast, then slow, then fast, then sideways, then shooting lightning from their plushy ears. I dunno man. People need fucking structure. Someone probably went the fastest because they were more of a dick than everyone else. They win.

Ride of the night

Stranger Danger on the road bike for putting up with a ridiculous first nachoride.

6.29.16 - Priceline.com: Someone Please Take Danny Down a Peg

With the seeding system is still as useful as Old Jay's dick, and the highest average horsepower since, you know, horses, we did the middle school thing again and picked teams. Al set the format and picked first nabbing Stephen based on his spectacular rookie performance last week in the "Good Riddance, Huy, Never come Back" ride. Confident in his coup, Al let Kyle & Danny do whatever the hell they want with their picks. Kyle went with Old Jay, Brian, Alex and Ian. Danny went with Boston Travis (Nachori.de goes NATIONAL) after his strong performance at crit practice on Tuesday (forgetting that crit practice is on paved roads, like an idiot), Kurt and POTOKING. Team Captain Kirk was Al, Scott, Stephen and Kathleen..

After Danny finally made up his mind on his picks, I mean, He's gonna win anyway, so who cares, we got to the business of Merkel. Everyone stayed put until the corner and then the foreigners were all "what the?" and everyone went really hard for apparently no reason. Danny, Kyle & Stephen took the points on Merkel keeping the teams even with Old Jay giving chase. After, Jay would say, "Did you see my legs? I shaved them. Just like the rest of you have for like a million years. Treat me special now. My legs.">/p>

Waters went hard from the gun after last week's return to the authentic. Al upped the pace knowing that the harder the better for team Captain Kirk, and that Kyle would chase anything. For the Fletcher Prime Al attacked from the back hoping to pick up Scott or Stephen for the lead out. He did. He picked up both of them. Three of the four Team Captain Kirk riders all sprinted for the point at Fletcher. Stephen took it... Cool. Then Danny & Kyle went hard on the loosey goosey gravel in the early Parker section and left team CK out of the break. Way to cover Kathleen. That was all you.

With Kyle & Danny about 30 seconds up the road for Team Priceline.com & Team Shatner, Team Captain Kirk was in a tough spot. Kurt, Old Jay, Brian & POTOKING were content to sit in with their men up the road. Scott & Stephen took pulls on the front while Al sat on the rear of the bunch just trying to hold his shit together on the road bike until the road smoothed out after Parker. Danny took the Parker Prime in the break, still in view of the chase. On the Parker-Zeeb section, Al upped the pace on the hard pack and pavement with Stephen and Scott pulling through strong. Old Jay then did a great job of really soft pedaling the shit outta that road, keeping the Kyle/Danny "beast with two backs" up the road. Then Al, over-confident with his ability on the Zeeb stretch, thought he could ride away which Old Jay and everyone else didn't allow. This was the big mistake. Al turned around to see the damage and it was... well, the rest of his team. He had effectively eliminated Scott & Stephen from the group. This was less than ideal. Danny had already taken the Zeeb Prime in the break, they were in sight but unbridgable, and Al had busted the legs of NO ONE except his own teammates. If spankings were a thing for adults, he would need one. NO really, give Al a spank. Do it.

Danny took the final sign at Wagner for Team Pricleine.com, but no one cared. What everyone wants to know is... did Kurt beat Al? Did he? That group was together at Zeeb. Did it stay together? Did Kurt take the downhill sprint? He talks about downhill sprints a lot. He talks about being HUGE and UNBEATABLE in a downhill sprint so, you know, we all want to know? Did it happen? Did he do it? He hung on up Zeeb... we know that. So probably right?

Ride of the night

Kurt out-rode his handicap by like a million. Way to go Kurt. Some say Danny won this, but those people are assholes. Kurt won this for Danny.

Full Results

Primes (-1pt)

  • Merkel: Danny, Kyle, Stephen
  • Fletcher: Stephen
  • Parker: Danny
  • Zeeb: Danny

Final (Wagner)

  1. Danny
  2. Kyle
  3. Kurt
  4. Al
  5. Old Jay
  6. POTOKING
  7. Brian
  8. Stephen
  9. Scott
  10. Boston Travis
  11. Kathleen
  12. Alex
  13. Ian

Team Competition

  1. Team Priceline.com 17pts Danny -2pts, Kurt 3pts, POTOKING 6pts, Boston Travis 10pts
  2. Team Shatner 25pts Kyle 1pts, Old Jay 5pts, Brian 7pts, Alex 12pts
  3. Team Captain Kirk 31pts Al 4pts, Stephen 7pts, Scott 9pts, Kathleen 11pts

6.22.16 - Huy Tran Memorial Ride

This day, the 22nd of June in the year of our Huy, 2016, Huy Tran rode his final nacho ride. As such he was allowed to choose the nachoride format. He chose a classic nacho, which means everyone rides really hard for 20 minutes while Huy passes judgement. Don't call out a pothole? Gone. Pull to short? Gone. Pull too long? Gone. Impure thoughts regarding a young Mark Hamill? Gone. Of course, everyone just let Huy win his final Nachoride. No one even tried.

Ride of the night

Huy Tran told everyone that if we didn't honor him at every possible moment, he would tell.

6.15.16 - Kzoo Ride of Silence

Nachoride rode for the five cyclists killed in Kalamazoo last week. Instead of goofy fake results, below is a note from Kalamazoo, MI

First, let me say, thank you to everyone who came out tonight to support the community and families of the Kalamazoo cycling crash. Last Tuesday I received a phone call that no cyclist of ANY level ever wants to receive. Since Tuesday, June 7th our community has been grieving and working on the healing process. Our goodbye’s began yesterday and will continue through next week with the final funeral of the 5 who lost their lives ending on Thursday. We have been emotionally overwhelmed by the amount of support that has been pouring in near and far, and we thank you. It’s people like you who make us realize that we do not cycle alone. I’ve been on several memorial rides over the last week. Last night I had the honor of riding with my cycling community, families of the victims, and of course, the Chain Gang.
As we rolled out together, I noticed a change. Our streets were lined with non-cyclists who were holding Kalamazoo Strong signs. They had tears in their eyes and hands over their hearts not FOR us, but rather WITH us. We rode 28.5 miles through the Kalamazoo area, and every single mile was covered with someone cheering us on. I rode my bike again today, this time solo. I was once again brought to tears by the extra space, the gentle honk of a horn which was followed by a thumbs up or a hand wave, indicating that that once again, our community truly is incredible. For me, biking is 50% bike, and 50% camaraderie.
So on tonight’s ride, we wish you the same experience as our rides have been. May you follow the rules of the road, ride 2x2, and show your community that cycling is something to be embraced and not fought. Ride in memory of Melissa, Debbie, Tony, Larry and Suzanne. From the bottom of our hearts, we are so grateful for your ride because without you, we wouldn’t be Kalamazoo Strong.

Sincerely,
Meg Zapalowski
President of Team Clark Logic Racing - Kalamazoo

6.8.16 - Team Crudo (Danny Picks First)

With eleven riders rolling out from Barton, and the seeding system still totally useless there would have to be two teams of four and one of three with the top three riders scoring on each team. As the top ranked rider present, Danny was given the disadvantage of the short team, but the advantage of picking first. After taking his whole clock, he took Harvey "I'm going to ruin everything today" Elliot & John for Team Crudo. Matt used his first round pick to grab Sean, which must have been some sort of diversionary tactic, then John K & Ian to round out Team Borracho. Al's Team Pedo was (WAS) Brian, Ethan & Kurt. Sean would later ruin this, but we're blaming Harvey today.

On Walsh road, Harvey attacked. Wait, why would Harvey attack on Walsh? There's no points on Walsh. In fact, that's the "slow" part of "SlowThenFastThenNachos." But there it was, those signature elbow-wings that signal Harvey has gone Full-Harv. Who the fuck knows who got the Merkel Prime because the group was scattered all over the map. No one knew what was going on. Al canceled the Merkel Prime and relegated Harvey +1 point for being a butthead. Merkel Prime opens up on Merkel otherwise it takes for fucking ever to get everyone back together. Danny protested the relegation and final judgement will be passed by Old Jay who missed the ride because he wanted to go to a Crafting Party or some shit.

Somewhere between Dexter & the Nature Cut Ian got a 2nd flat and decided to bail. That was fine because Team Borracho had a spare rider... until Sean decided that Ian's flat was his excuse and fucked off too. With a full half of his team missing, Matt was allowed to choose any rider from Team Pedo. Brian "Benedict Arshole" went over to Borracho from Pedo. The new dynamic would prove ridiculously slow on waters.

No one wanted to pedal. Sometimes Danny would soft pedal on the front. Sometimes Kurt would soft pedal on the front. Sometimes there was dead squirrel pulling the pack. Al & Danny went for the Fletcher Prime but Al's road bike proved a poor choice on the freshly graded surface. Danny nipped the sign for the -1 and everyone else got rocks in their teeth from Al's irresponsible fishtailing. Kurt went to the front for a bit and kept the pace steady into the rollers where Matt attacked. Danny & Al wanted to let him suffer out there as long as possible but timed it too late and the catch was made meters after he took the Parker Prime. On the way up to Zeeb, the group was still all together... oh, except for Team Pedo. Team Pedo was just Al. Everyone else was there. No hay Pedo. In a last, sad, attempt to salvage the day Al focused on just taking that damn Zeeb sign. He sat on the back like a limpet until taking the Prime from Danny in a head-to-head-who-can-not-die-on-these-washboards sprint. This is where Al & Danny should have just put the hammer down. They should have just gone clear and kept it steady to the finish @ Wagner without a bunch, downhill, sprint into washboards and oncoming traffic. They didn't though. They sat up and the entire group (minus Team Pedo) went into the final sprint together. Danny lead it out, with Matt behind him and Al Behind him. With the road entirely washboard, an oncoming car, and 9 dudes in various states of handling-their-shit at 30mph everyone was content to just keep it steady to the line. Oh, right, except Harvey. Harvey came up the line from the back terrifying everyone down to their deepest cockles. Such an enormous man. So close. So much bouncing.

Ride of the night

John's consistent presence on the winning team are evidence that he is a key piece of putting together the points.

Full Results

Primes (-1pt)

  • Merkel: Ruined by Harvey +1
  • Fletcher: Danny
  • Parker: Matt
  • Zeeb: Al

Final (Wagner)

  1. Danny
  2. Matt
  3. Harvey
  4. Al
  5. John
  6. Brian
  7. John K
  8. Kurt
  9. Ethan

Team Competition

  1. Team Crudo 9pts Danny 0pts (1-1), Harvey 4pts(3+1), John 5pts
  2. Team Brroacho 14pts Matt 1pt (2-1), Brian 6pts, John K 7pts
  3. Team Pedo 20pts Al 3pts (4-1), Kurt 8pts, Ethan, 9pts

5.25.16 - Team WallyWorld (Al & Jay stack their own team)

With a fresh crew again this week, and riders in from far away, exotic locale (Cleveland), Drunk Al & Jay divvied up teams. Specifically, they put themselves on the same team and made it nearly impossible for them to lose. In any other sport this would be considered cheating, or unfair, but in fake-racing, just as in real life, eat a dick.

Team WalMart (Tom, Harvyle, David & Brian) Team WallyWorld (Drunk Al, New Jay, Old Jay & John) and Team Louisiana Purchase (Huy, Rich, Kurt & Ethan) were set. Kurt decided to sneak off the front, or attack, one can't really tell the difference before the Merkel prime. This would normally be against the rules, but no one believed he'd actually stay away. He didn't (partially thanks to a lead out p/b Ford Trucks. Was that truck gonna crash head on into another car coming over Merkel? Was it going to swerve and kill all of us? With 3 points on the line the decision was obvious. Huy, New Jay & Old Jay took the three points.

Full four-person teams on Waters this week, and deeper horsepower on each, meant Waters stayed tight together for awhile. With winning teams from prior weeks never taking the win at Wagner, tactics are moving towards getting more of the riders into the top 50%. Kurt "attacked" again early on but was quickly brought back and the group was all together going into the Fletcher Prime. Drunk Al went early from the back and tried to pick up New Jay for the lead-out but Kyle timed it right and took the point. Drunk Al noticed that New Jay was up with him and kept the pace up through Fletcher in hopes of catching the bunch napping but Team WalMart weren't having it and closed the gap quickly. During the catch things got messy & Huy came through with a little Gap. Moon Base Alpha, having seen Huy's new kit from space, radioed down to tell Drunk Al to jump on that shit - and he did. Huy then told Drunk Al all kinds of lies about working together, knowing full well Drunk Al will do whatever Huy says. WHATEVER. WINK. WINK. ANYTHING. GET IT? With the bunch nipping at their heels through the rollers, Huy & Drunk Al slowly drifted up and road, together into the sunset. Huy easily taking the Primes unchallenged at Parker & Zeeb and the win at Wagner. Back in the bunch New Jay and Old Jay were covering attacks from Team WalMart who was left out of the break. Eventually WalMart tired and New Jay was able to slip away and ride solo to 3rd. Finally, Harvey disappeared and turned into Kyle at some point. NARRATIVE CONTINUITY ISSUE

Ride of the night

Brian's result doesn't do the justice that the Strava Flyby does for his ride. Brian was out on the attack trying to make things happen for Team WalMart.

Full Results

Primes (-1pt)

  • Merkel: Huy, New Jay, Old Jay
  • Fletcher: Kyle
  • Parker: Huy
  • Huy: Al

Final (Wagner)

  1. Huy
  2. Al
  3. New Jay
  4. Rich
  5. Kyle
  6. Old Jay
  7. Kurt
  8. Tom
  9. Brian
  10. John
  11. David
  12. Ethan

Team Competition

  1. Team WallyWorld 19pts Al 2pts, New Jay 2pts(3-1), Old Jay 5pts(6-1), John 10pts
  2. Team Louisiana Purchase 21pts Huy -2pts (1-3), Rich 4pts, Kurt 7pts, Ethan 12pts
  3. Team WalMart 32pts Kyle 4pts (5-1), Tom 8pts, Brian, 9pts, David 11pts

5.18.16 - Team Biscuits Domination (of first pick)

With over 50% new riders this week Jack, Khao & Sean did their best middle-school dick-bag impression and chose teams en route to the first Prime @Merkel. Since Jack picked first Team Biscuits ended up with an extra rider, and the ability to drop the highest score at the end; which is basically cheating. Some might say that since Jack did the choosing, and was the highest score, that he was simply hiring a squad to fight his battles for him, but we're not saying that.

After a flat resulted in much public urination, Danny went early for the Merkel prime and stayed away across the top, setting a new KOM in the process. Al couldn't handle his shit on the loosey-goosey Merkel and let Harvey sneak into the top 3 giving two prime-points to Team Biscuits. Way to shit the bed, Al. You had one job. Jay rounded out the top 3 over Merkel for Team Skedt Pizza

Waters started harder than usual as Al was determined to get rid of Harvey early in hopes of hampering Team Biscuits. Jay went early for the Fletcher Prime. Team BubbleButt let him go to eat up the prime points from the stacked Biscuits. To everyone's complete shock, Jay stayed away and took the point at Fletcher. Tom sprinted hard for 2nd and took it easily seeing as 2nd at Fletcher is utterly worthless and no one cared. Read the rules Tom. Things accelerated slowly on the Parker segment until the start of the rollers. Harvey took a little dig on the first rise which gave Al the perfect opportunity to complete Operation Drop Harvey, which was a dick move, but hey, this is fake-racing. The group split in two with Brian, Al (Team Bubblebut), Danny (Team Biscuits) & Tom (Team Skedt Pizza) off the front. Once Al saw he had a teammate in the selection he went to the front and tapped out a steady pace. Danny hit it hard up the stair-step rollers which surprised absolutely no-one. Even Tom was able to hold his wheel to Parker where Danny easily took the Prime. Al went back to the front on the Zeeb section, trying to keep it steady for Brian, who wasn't actually there anymore. This was a really dumb move and Al ended up pulling Danny & Tom along for no reason at all. The only benefit being Danny & Tom feeling a little sorry for Al and letting him come around for the Zeeb Prime. Tom gave one more dig in the final section but Danny's attack was too much. With only two left, Al stayed patient and let Danny pull into the final sprint where he easily nipped around after having done no work for the last 10 minutes.

Ride of the night

Khao rode his handicap in half riding from 10th last week to 5th this week; can he keep climbing? Will he crack under the pressure? Will we continue to spell his name correctly? FIND OUT SOMETIME.

Full Results

Primes (-1pt)

  • Merkel: Danny, Jay, Harvey
  • Fletcher: Jay
  • Parker: Danny
  • Zeeb: Al

Final (Wagner)

  1. Al
  2. Danny
  3. Tom
  4. Harvey
  5. Khao
  6. Brian
  7. Kurt
  8. Jay
  9. Jack
  10. Mark
  11. Sean

Team Competition

  1. Team Biscuits 10pts Danny 0pts(2-2), Harvey 3pts(4-1), Kurt 7pts(7)
  2. Team Skedt Pizza 14pts Tom 3pts (3), Khao 5pts (5), Jay 6pts (8-2)
  3. Team BubbleButt 30,000pts Al 0pts (1-1), Brian 6pts (6), Sean 29,994pts