Sharter Route, Harder beef

Slow /then/ fast then nachos.

Nacho exists so that you can ride with your friends of all cycling abilities, chat with them, enjoy their presence, and then bury their miserable faces in your buttholedraft for 20 minutes or so at the end. Much like the Wendy’s SuperBar*: everyone gets what they want.

As the years change, and folks filter in and out of this transient academic utopia every 2-4 years, the vibe of the “slow” ebbs and flows. It’s a natural progression – it gets faster and faster until folks stop showing up because it’s too fast, making it that much faster until everyone is all “Eh, I want to go on Nacho, but I have to train more.” Let’s be clear, that is some bullllshit.

Nacho doesn’t have a lot of rules. Nacho is as nacho does. There is no organizer. No one is in charge. It does have one fucking rule:

SLOW, THEN FAST, THEN NACHOS.

(and be vaccinated, but I’m not counting that as a Nacho rule because it’s a just a life rule).

Anyway – Nacho will only go as fast as the slowest person who shows up. So if you look at the strava files and the slow bit looks too fast, that’s just the cycle perpetuating itself. It only goes that fast because only the hard-bois are showing up. Said hard-bois will chill out and cruise with a good crowd. Until Waters – then it’s nipple-bleeding-fun.

 
*you thought I was gonna make some kind of weird, possibly bestial, orgy joke there, didn’t you. That’s on you, creep.

 

Never go Kanye

“where do you find this stuff?”

Y’all, we’ve been stuck in the house for 15 months with nothing but Internet Rabbit holes and no Nachori.de to update. There’s a backlog. That said, this one is gonna be hard to follow. Holy shit. We have a real special one for next week to reset the meter.

Strava flybys are no more, so who knows

This is why we can’t have nice things. Dudes just can’t have a thing and not use it to creep-the-fuck-up on women. So Strava flipped flybys to off-by-default (rightfully) and a bunch of dudes were real pissed. Let’s be very clear: if you’re upset that they made it opt-in, then you are the reason they made it opt-in. No..nope..ah… I’ll stop you there… think about it. Really dig…. if you are upset they made it opt-in, then you are the reason they made it opt-in. Anyway, they didbecause of you – and now we have no idea what happened on Nachori.de if we weren’t there ourselves (which we weren’t).

All because dudes just couldn’t not use Strava to harass women.

Nacho is so punk it quits in the rain

Perhaps there was nacho in the rain; perhaps there wasn’t. This Tommy Cash video is JORKED* as the kids say.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*they absolutely don’t say JORKED, this is made up.

It’s all turnips n’ pirate blouses until

Turn’t

Whaddaweek Amiright? The reality is that if the write up doesn’t go up same-night nobody can remember a damn thing. Oh, right, I do remember PbJ&W putting 500w pulls… into Kyle. What’s that Merckx quote? “If you can’t ride around them, ride through them?” It sounded better in Dutch. Anyhoo, Jornckx cannot be contained by your presence. TFotF is coming. Clear a fucking path.

Until that point it was Nacho ‘ 15 all over again. Elder Huy would be proudly spouting a plume of salty brine to see us now; 44kph average coming into TFotF. Nacho Classic meant knowing that you could bury it on the front and know that some fucking child wasn’t going to attack. With the departure of Double-DS Danny “the Dan,” there’s more trust up front. Oh, and Conner was spun-out at 25 on an MTB this week. Don’t get me wrong. He will attack.

Anyway, it was fast until it wasn’t. You know that old Girgory L’mond quote “It doesn’t get easier, unless you skip your pulls.” Or whatever.

Did y’all get my joke in the last post? I put two ‘n’s in “mann” cuz Connor’s last name has two ‘m’s at the end. HAHAHAAHAHA.

 

a D.J or whatever

Fuckin’ Connor mann

On the slow roll out Connor is just chillin’ on the front, chatting with Jag-tree-Scott who is saying “I’m on blood thinners, I just have to be careful” and then CONNOR (definitely not Al, who was not on this ride, it was Connor) did what Connor does and immediately crashed his bike into Scott. For no reason. There was… nothing. Just like, not paying attention. Like a fucking baby amateur. Just like, fell off his bike. At 15mph. In the neutral. Fucking Connor.

Waters is graded

Good news / bad news. The potholes are gone, but the deep fresh-grade means you’re putting down hitter-watts even in the draft. Hashtag-no-coasting. For the first 15 min not a freewheel was heard. Everyone went chill around the corner onto waters, saw the fresh grade and smiles abound. Team Wheels in Onsies went to the front and did an honorable job of pulling the group up to Waters-Speed smoothly. Seriously though – the first-pull responsibility is serious. Give folks a chance; keep it steady – and they did. Good on y’all. Smooth as a kitten’s sex-dream (that’s smooth).

Crossing Fletcher and seeing it’s still graded Peter bJörn & Watts waited for the group to come through safely (c’mon, so cool, y’all are just… Imma cry) then he put it fucking down at 30mph in the deep gravel. Watts were had. Drafts were useless. Approaching the rise up to Lima Center, Connor, who was definitely on this ride, recognized that PbJ&W just wrecked the group decided to end He Who Shall Not Come on Nacho and straight buried that hill despite blood spraying from various orifices. It worked. Unfortunately it also got rid of a lot of cool folks that we like, but, you know. Fuck that guy.

Matt “go ahead, I’ll catch you” Dana made an impressive showing holding on through Parker, but the deep, fresh-grade gravel offered no recourse. It was a slog the whole stretch. Parker to Zeeb was wound-licking, resting-on-the-front, waiting for the Falsest of Flats, hoping your shit didn’t fall apart before Zorb. Kyle “I’ll still take a pull even through I know it’s the end of me” Schutte did what he does…. lay it all down on FoF. PbJ&W was by far the strongest on the day and was totally gonna jump on that motor-poach but the look in Connor (who was on the ride) and Kyle’s faces said “Pleaseno” so he sat up and rode to the finish with Connor (again, definitely this was Connor, who was not in Utah, but here, in Michigan, on this ride).

The rest of the group stayed together, a testament to the good roads and high rolling resistance and rolled in just after the leaders finished… fucking. So like 90 seconds. Then, like 3 hrs. later Old Jay showed up at HOMES cuz he as a jorb or whatever but it was still good to see him

Next week: The Full 50. Don’t fuck around. Be there. (if you’re vaccinated)

All things must eventually nacho

You’re sick and/or tired of it all

So get you Las fuckin’ Nenas and enjoy a nachoride on Wednesdays. If you’re vaccinated of course. That said, if you’re the kinda shitwhistle who isn’t at this point you were likely shamed out of this roll years ago anyhoo. All that is to say – you’ve earned this. David’s voice is heard again, bellowing across the cornfields of southeast Michigan, complaining that the videos don’t autoplay on his large-print phone (you have to change your browser settings to allow autoplay, or come here the week after).

Nacho Classic

A return to normalcy. and how. In 2015 we rode slow, then fast, then Nachos. There were no games, no points, no Premiere League, no teams, no sweaty scrunchies. It’s 100% chill until Waters rd. Then, it’s 100% whatever you want for about 10 miles, straight back into Ann Arbor. Smooth. Fast. Take a pull. Sit in. Drop off. Hold on for one more stop sign than last week. Push your friends to improve. Co-operative competitiveness. This is what the world needs, and this is what Nacho can provide. That and a slow start to your Thursday.

A note about danger:
A certain person, we’ll call him Blurt has made it his personal mission to tell everyone that Nachoride is dangerous… which is dumb, and wrong. We know why he’s saying this, but we’re not the kinda folks to call someone out for projecting his own insecurities on others. Or are we? Or did we just? Point is; come on nacho. Introduce yourself. Nacho is for all speeds. Nacho gives it for Pros and baggy-shorts alike. Nacho will take you under its wing. Nacho will include you. Nacho will help you set and achieve a goal. Nacho will shit down your throat if you hinder anyone else from any of the above. Such is the way.

Is this a fucking ad for Nacho?

We had the best time last week. We want more. Where were the Kanton Kittenz? Who was NQNS Stephen? How do you get a nickname? Fuck man, we’re just doing this so David B. Bonnthener can hear some music made after 1922.

May 19th

Route is pushed to 40 miles… oh how we miss the nature cut, will go slow, then fast, then we’ll have bulgogi.

May 29th: 5th Year Best Year

The weather is betta, the crew is chill. This season’s slogan might just end up being “Frankly, Tuck your Penis.” Or, “FTP.” I dunno, we’re still workshopping it. Whatever it ends up being, turnover is abound in Nacho-Land this year. No Danny (Boston), Cat (Bay), Sean (Bay), Jeff (Colombia), Bontner (Hamburg), and ZMan (Butt Implants) is a lot of power dropped out of the front group, but a new crop has popped up.

Matt, other Matt, Luke “Champ*†” Hileman, Will, Connor, Ralf, Rob, Hannah and Travis all made Nacho Debuts in the last two weeks, proving once again that Beijing Hip Hop brings the crowds in cycling.

This week saw Waters rd get… kind of graded a little. It can now be described as, “probably a bad idea to ride fast.” Instead of last weeks, “bring a diaper.” The group was smooth. Everyone pulled through, even Matt who pulled through like it was a sprint effectively towing the whole crew up to Fletcher, and also fucking himself completely.

The group trimmed down a bit going up to Parker, with everyone resting while Old Jay pulled. On the Falsest of Flats, everyone was making fun of NQNS-Stephen’s dumb fender being dumb in his wheel, but then he ripped it off and stuffed it in his shirt like a barbarian. He said “samurai” … maybe. Show us your not-cut-off-nipple and we’ll talk about “samurai.”

Nipple or not, NQNS didn’t quit, or spit, and made it to the top of Zeeb, and even held on to the kick over the horse-sex††-club, but then sat up! You were there! you had it! Anyway, whatever, Al n’ Connor rolled smooth the the finish and the whole group finished within about 2 minutes. Everyone was rolling fast and smooth. Way to go.

*short distance

†gravel

††only a theory

 

Twenty Ninteteen

This is 2019. Nachori.de is five. If Nachoride was a human baby it may have finally have stopped shitting its pants. Unfortunately weekly-rides tend to move in the opposite direction on the shitty-pants continuum. On this fifth anniversary of Nacho Classique it is important to remember the core ideals of Nachori.de, and why it’s grown into what it has:

  • Nachoride is as Nachoride does.
  • Slow, then fast, then Bulgogi Fries.
  • Nachoride is not a club ride.
  • Nachoride is not a public ride.
  • Nachoride is not a race.
  • There is no placing on Nachoride.
  • You cannot win Nachoride.
  • You can lose Nachoride.

Nachoride started as a small group of friends riding on Wednesdays and then drinking a lot of beer afterwards. It has grown into a large group of friends, and that is wonderful. However, a wise, very, very, fucking old man, once said, “just because we both ride bikes, doesn’t mean we’re friends.”

So, like, be cool or go kill some other ride.