May 24: Home Alone 7: Wet n’ Wylde

With Al & the 3T folks off in SoCal for the Belgian Waffle Ride, and pouring rain here in Michigan – Nacho this week did some muddy messing around. A healthy dose of respect for holding shit down even in crap weather. That said, they could have ridden harder. Also FYI, I think PONPONPON has to do with diapers. Not sure.

May 17: To the Gutter Geeves!

The Respectable Triathlete Crew earned the “respectable” bit by ripping the shit out of some gravel, but this week they’re off doing a half Ironman. Half? Half? C’mon losers. We’re taking the “R” back out of RTC. Most of the 3T/QM folks were missing too, getting haircuts, in California or in the case of Danny… WHO FUCKING KNOWS. Thankfully The Canton Crew showed up in force, including New-Guy-DougB. With the missing bodies, about 25 rolled out from HOMES. That was until Nuck Tats got three flats and called a tow truck. Truth. Turns out the USA Cycling roadside assistance thing is real. I KNOW RIGHT?

The long route also shed some bodies early with Ethan telling team pink “Let’s go home and put our scrunchies in a tree.” WARNING: Pink Scrunchie in a Tree is a move only for the most adventurous lovers. After the attrition, the weekly powerhouse of team-green had retained its horespower with the added mystery of new-guy-DouggyB, while orange looked to have the best balance and yellow was strong, but you never know when Stephen is gonna shit the bed.

With a big group, a strong crosswind, and a lot of question marks in the field – Al immediately put it in the gutter for the entire Fletcher section. This was a dick move. Surveying the damage, Team Green (ZMan, New-Guy-DouggggggyB), Yellow (Al, Sam, Stephen) and Team Orange  (“Just Glen”) had made it through that gutter bullshit. Sam nipped the prime for Yellow.

Onto the Parker Section, with Rich and Dave on the front of the chase group within striking distance, The leaders moved into an echelon to hold a hard pace. New-Guy-DouggggggggggggyBbbbbbbeeeee took a hard pull and popped off “Just Glen,” leaving Yellow & Orange as a five-man break. Well, until New-Guy-Dougggggggggggggggggggggggy0bbbbbeeeeeasssssszzzz dropped himself after that hard pull; Nacho is nothing if not disloyal & unforgiving. This is about when Al noticed his seat post was slowly sinking. This is why you don’t mess with your bike 5 minutes before a ride. You dolt. He went to the front of the echelon and now with his balls on the top tube, he offered exactly zero draft. That was the end of ZMan & Team Green. Team Yellow was all alone through the Parker Prime.

Into the Zeeb Section Team Yellow worked together, keeping an eye on the roaring train of Dave & Rich, picking up all the droppings from the front group. Rich’s S.E.T.I. lights still visible. Is he 100m or 1k back? Who knows – those things are bright as fuck. The chase was gaining so once on the The Falsest of Flats, enjoying the luxury of not having Danny sprint around him, Al rode hard on the front. That was the end of Stephen, and then Sam, and then Al’s knees. Also the race. Al took the Zeeb Prime and the Final at Wagz in a lonely, sad, balls-to-top-tube, roll. ZMan took a bold early move for the field sprint.

Results (probably!)

Champs: Team Yellow (Sam, Al, Craig, Stephen) with a flat 0 points ran away with this one. Boring. Orange pulled off a surprise 2nd (7pts) with Dave’s king ride.

  1. Al (yellow)
  2. Stephen (yellow)
  3. Sam (yellow)
  4. ZMan (green)
  5. Jeff (orange)
  6. Glen (orange)
  7. Dave (orange)
  8. Rich (Skins)
  9. New-Guy-DougyB (Green)
  10. Sean
  11. Dr. John (Green)
  12. Andy
  13. Craig (yellow)
  14. Cameron
  15. Brian
  16. David
  17. Ally

Primes

  • Fletcher: Sam (yellow)
  • Parker: Al (yellow)
  • Zeeb: Al (yellow)

Ride of the Night: Dave Fucking Fury. Dave held within a minute of the lead group and went back to make sure no one rode to the brewery alone. This dude. THIS DUDE.

 

May 10th: & there Was Much Fucking ’round

Oh man. That video is still so terrible. So, so sorry about that. Really. Racket County… you’re the fucking worst.

With the group consistently in the 30s, and the weather consistently nice, Nachoride has developed a nice bunch that stays together for awhile. On waters, that is. During the slow part of #slowthenfastthennachos, apparently Danny goes after KOMs and blows the group up while Al is back babysitting Sean. What a dick.

After random scrunchie selection, all eyes were on Team Orange (Matt, Jay, Kyle) Team Green (Danny, Stephen, Sam) and Team Shit (Al, Glen, Frank, Kevin). Note: these teams had other people on them, but about 10% of you jerks followed ride-naming instructions. Waters was in worse condition than a cheese danish in a beagle factory, so flats and chains were flying everywhere in the first few miles. Team Shit lost Al early on with a dropped chain, Team Green lost respect early on because Sam was hopping around like … well, like Sam. Stop that. Don’t get too down on Sam though, Team Green would lose much, much more respect as the ride goes on. With Al off the back, Frank went early for the Fletcher Prime and stayed away.

Frank was able to stay away for half of the Parker sector, where Sam bridged up and then counter attacked. The bunch let him stay away for the Parker prime, mostly so because they were sick of him hopping all over the place like a, like a… you know, there’s really no better metaphor than Sam. He hopped around Sam. Also, the bunch was going really, really slow; we know this because Al was able to sneak back into the back of the bunch just before Parker.

A huge group entered the Zeeb sector and as usual everyone was getting a little nervous about such a big group in the sprint. Stephen took a pull into the bottom of the Falsest of Flats, which was a drop in the bucket for Team Green who really needed to step it up and pull their weight. Don’t worry Green, Shit has your back and went to the front to ramp things up. It got hard, as usual up to the Zeeb sign. Then, Danny, as usual, took a free ride to the prime. Everyone knew it was going to happen. No one thinks it’s cool.

A group of four (Danny, Sam, Al & Frank) came into the final sector as the lone survivors of the hill. Sam, Frank & Al did a solid job of keeping the pace up to hold the gap. Danny did nothing. With 2 green & 2 Shit in the group, it might have gotten tactical, except that Al thought Danny & Sam were on different teams and didn’t worry about them working together. He tried to lead out Frank, which failed miserably. Danny took the final at Wagner easily, and we’ll let him have it, because he doesn’t have anything else.

Results (ish)

Champs: Team Shit (5pts) edges out Team Green (7pts) with a strong performance from Glen to come in just behind the front group, plus Frank’s early prime. Team Orange may be tied for 2nd if Ron is on Orange but… he didn’t tag his upload, like a dick.

  1. Danny (green)
  2. Frank (shit)
  3. Sam (green)
  4. Al (shit)
  5. Jay (orange)
  6. Glen (shit)
  7. Ron
  8. Matt (orange)
  9. Stephen (green)
  10. Dave
  11. Jeremy
  12. Kevin (shit)
  13. Kurt (pink)
  14. David
  15. Cameron
  16. Brian
  17. Craig (pink)
  18. Ethan (pink)
  19. Dylan
  20. Chris
  21. Ken
  22. AJO
  23. Christina
  24. Sean

Primes

  • Fletcher: Frank (shit)
  • Parker: Sam (green)
  • Zeeb: Danny (green)

Ride of the Night: Ron put in a massive effort to bump up to 7th this week from 21st one week ago. He was one of the last survivors of the acceleration up to Zeeb, nearly stayed on the front four, and even got a gap on Matt – and that dude has an Ironman tat.

May 3rd: Dammmm Danneee

Michigan’s spring weather has been cloudy with 100% chance of bullshit, but the cycling gods, they love Nachoride. With Wednesday’s weather being the only all week that wasn’t a cruel joke, another record crowd rolled out of HOMES. Scrunchies were shuffled a bit better this week, puff, puff pass and all that. We think Z-man cheated by scoping Danny’s scrunchie – but Z-man is gonna scope a man’s scrunchie. What are you gonna do?

Waters started steady; the pace picked up to a decent clip and on his 2nd visit to Nachoride, Z-man went early for the Fletcher Prime. Sam made a late, desperate attempt to catch him out before the sign. It was doomed from the start. What those boners didn’t realize was that Al was tucked quietly into Sam’s panic-scramble for the prime. Danny & Colin did realize it – and those fuckers were gone.

Danny (Green), Colin (Skins) & Al (Shit) had a small gap to start the Parker section. Stephen almost made the bridge but crossed up wheels and chickened out. But, you know what they say – “almost only counts in hand grenades and hepatitis.” Danny, Al & Colin worked together through the rollers to establish the gap. It was a lot of work. No one thought it was cool, but everyone thought it was too much work to chase. A chase group formed of Alan, Tom, Kevin, Frank, Sam, Seth, John, Matt & Sean. Danny & Al let Colin pull into the prime at Parker. Danny went early and Al went late for the line which led to a wheel-throw decision. Who throws a wheel for a stop ahead? There aren’t any cameras, idiots. Anyway, witnesses say Al had it. Also, Danny made Al do a bunch of work up to Zeeb so he deserves it.

Colin got gapped by the acceleration for the Prime and Danny & Al worked together again. The gap to the chase group was up to a minute, but everyone was tired. Pulling up the Falsest of Flats to Zeeb is a long, slow torture. Even at one minute you can see the group, with Colin suffering alone in no man’s land. Danny let Al pull into the prime and then zipped around to take it, when he saw the gap he kept motoring through.

The long breakaway took its toll; the three leaders, all separate now by a few seconds, realized it didn’t have to hurt like this, and just mashed pedals to the final at Wagner, finishing Danny (Green), Al (Shit) & Colin (Skins). They got to watch the Best of the Rest sprint of Geriatric proportions. The chase group was down to five with Alan taking the final from Sam, Matt, John & Frank – completing two in a row from the Cantonese. That’s what you call people from Canton right? There’s no other meaning to that word. Nope. Cantonese. From Canton, MI. That’s it.

Results: Probably (ish)

CHAMPS: Team Orange with 9pts and the upset! No primes, but keeping three together until the end pays off big. Weekly powerhouses Team Shit & Team Green pulled in the top spots and primes but neglected their teammates and tied for 2nd w/ 10pts each.

  1. Danny (green)
  2. Al (shit)
  3. Colin (skins)
  4. Alan (green)
  5. Matt (orange)
  6. Frank (skins)
  7. Sam (pink)
  8. John B. (orange)
  9. Chris (orange)
  10. Andy (shit)
  11. Kevin (shit)
  12. Stephen (green)
  13. Tom
  14. Christina
  15. Sean
  16. Dave
  17. Dr. John
  18. Kurt
  19. Cat
  20. Ken
  21. Ron
  22. Seth
  23. Matthew
  24. Craig
  25. Brian
  26. Cameron
  27. Bill
  28. Ethan
  29. Dylan
  30. Aaron
  31. Ryan
  32. AJO

Primes:

  • Fletcher: Alan
  • Parker: Al
  • Zeeb: Danny

Ride of the Night: Alan was a focused machine and gave Nachoride the respect it deserves. He studied up from last week and nailed the bunch sprints flawlessly at Fletcher and the final at Wagner.

April 26: Al Cheats as Hard as he Drinks

The nice weather and promise of Little Cotton Colons® for team tracking brought thirty riders to Nacho this week. With all the new faces, Al brought a bunch of color-coded “scrunchies” which we’ll be calling Little Cotton Colons® … for legal reasons. This would allow easy tracking of teams for Waters, and also a really great way for Al to stack the fuck out of his team by “randomly” pulling colons® out of his bag®.

In order to keep things interesting in the face of the behemoth that was team Green Cotton Colon, only the third place rider would count. Also, no math. Fuck math. Primes were active at -1.  The teams, Green, Yellow, Orange, Brown, Pink and Skins, started Waters knowing that team Green of Al, Danny, Stephen, Ryan & JB was going to destroy everyone, but there was glory on the line and a dark horse. Sometimes you wonder – how do I spot a dark horse? It’s knuckle tattoos. Nuck Tats = watch out. Hashtag forshadowing.

The big group stayed big for quite some time. With the exception of a Mongo-John’s flat, the teams kept at least 3 in the main field through the first segment to Fletcher. Oh, except Ryan was off the front for Team Green sweeping up the prime.

Parker section saw a few attacks with some separation happening over the stairsteps, a little group of Danny, Al, Stephen, Ryan & Jay formed off the front. Danny nabbed the prime for Team Green Cotton Colon … but they fucked around after the sprint and let the group come back together. Why? This makes no sense. As they say never again.

With the group back together up to Zeeb, Ryan attacked again and pulled in the third prime for TGCC, but we knew that. Becoming terrified of the 20up downhill sprint, in the dark, through potholes, into oncoming traffic, Al decided to sacrifice himself after Zeeb to keep the pace up and make sure the group was stretched out. Okay, mostly he was just trying to get rid of Harvey “IT’S NEVER OVER” Elliot… for legal reasons.

Coming into the final sprint TGCC had four riders up front, so Danny decided to quit for no reason since he wasn’t needed. Show off. Still with three left, and all the primes, TGCC had the overall wrapped up – but who would take Wagner glory? Frank put in one last, valiant attack that almost stuck. Since Al is generally terrified of the Wagner sprint, he went to the front and strung out the line, assuming Stephen, Ryan, Alan or Christina would come around on the line.

Then, as if teleported via the astral plane, the spirit of Huy emerged … except even bigger, less Asian, and with more nuck tats. Seth came through on the line with a pothole-sprint that showed a true, deep, disrespect for human life.

Results (ish – after top 5 via Strava Flyby)

Champs: Team Green Cotton Colon (Danny, Stephen, Ryan, Al, JB) – 1pt (4-3)

Primes: Fletcher: Ryan, Parker: Danny, Zeeb: Ryan

Final/Wagner:

  1. Seth
  2. Al
  3. Ryan
  4. Stephen (TGCC 3rd)
  5. Frank
  6. Scott
  7. Matt
  8. Glen
  9. Justin
  10. Christina
  11. Tom
  12. Jay
  13. Alan
  14. Sean
  15. Ron
  16. Chris
  17. Ken
  18. JB
  19. Craig
  20. William
  21. AJ
  22. Brad
  23. Brian
  24. Matthew
  25. Ethan
  26. Danny
  27. Mongol John

Ride of the Night: Frank put in some serious digs early and one late that nearly upset the whole thing for the big teams tonight.