April 26: Al Cheats as Hard as he Drinks

The nice weather and promise of Little Cotton Colons® for team tracking brought thirty riders to Nacho this week. With all the new faces, Al brought a bunch of color-coded “scrunchies” which we’ll be calling Little Cotton Colons® … for legal reasons. This would allow easy tracking of teams for Waters, and also a really great way for Al to stack the fuck out of his team by “randomly” pulling colons® out of his bag®.

In order to keep things interesting in the face of the behemoth that was team Green Cotton Colon, only the third place rider would count. Also, no math. Fuck math. Primes were active at -1.  The teams, Green, Yellow, Orange, Brown, Pink and Skins, started Waters knowing that team Green of Al, Danny, Stephen, Ryan & JB was going to destroy everyone, but there was glory on the line and a dark horse. Sometimes you wonder – how do I spot a dark horse? It’s knuckle tattoos. Nuck Tats = watch out. Hashtag forshadowing.

The big group stayed big for quite some time. With the exception of a Mongo-John’s flat, the teams kept at least 3 in the main field through the first segment to Fletcher. Oh, except Ryan was off the front for Team Green sweeping up the prime.

Parker section saw a few attacks with some separation happening over the stairsteps, a little group of Danny, Al, Stephen, Ryan & Jay formed off the front. Danny nabbed the prime for Team Green Cotton Colon … but they fucked around after the sprint and let the group come back together. Why? This makes no sense. As they say never again.

With the group back together up to Zeeb, Ryan attacked again and pulled in the third prime for TGCC, but we knew that. Becoming terrified of the 20up downhill sprint, in the dark, through potholes, into oncoming traffic, Al decided to sacrifice himself after Zeeb to keep the pace up and make sure the group was stretched out. Okay, mostly he was just trying to get rid of Harvey “IT’S NEVER OVER” Elliot… for legal reasons.

Coming into the final sprint TGCC had four riders up front, so Danny decided to quit for no reason since he wasn’t needed. Show off. Still with three left, and all the primes, TGCC had the overall wrapped up – but who would take Wagner glory? Frank put in one last, valiant attack that almost stuck. Since Al is generally terrified of the Wagner sprint, he went to the front and strung out the line, assuming Stephen, Ryan, Alan or Christina would come around on the line.

Then, as if teleported via the astral plane, the spirit of Huy emerged … except even bigger, less Asian, and with more nuck tats. Seth came through on the line with a pothole-sprint that showed a true, deep, disrespect for human life.

Results (ish – after top 5 via Strava Flyby)

Champs: Team Green Cotton Colon (Danny, Stephen, Ryan, Al, JB) – 1pt (4-3)

Primes: Fletcher: Ryan, Parker: Danny, Zeeb: Ryan

Final/Wagner:

  1. Seth
  2. Al
  3. Ryan
  4. Stephen (TGCC 3rd)
  5. Frank
  6. Scott
  7. Matt
  8. Glen
  9. Justin
  10. Christina
  11. Tom
  12. Jay
  13. Alan
  14. Sean
  15. Ron
  16. Chris
  17. Ken
  18. JB
  19. Craig
  20. William
  21. AJ
  22. Brad
  23. Brian
  24. Matthew
  25. Ethan
  26. Danny
  27. Mongol John

Ride of the Night: Frank put in some serious digs early and one late that nearly upset the whole thing for the big teams tonight.