June 29th: Return of the Ralph Ride

More than 30 folks rolled out of HOMES this week, even without the Kanton Kittens who were mysteriously missing. Assumptions were made. Specifically, that Nuck Tats forgot to shave ZMan. The group thinned out a bit as roughly thirty miles, no… not miles, fucking minutes, Sean barfed everywhere. Al & Jay stayed back to wipe his mouth as the group rolled on.

Al & Jay were content to roll slow and after Sean took the short-road home text messages were sent, and totally ignored, to start Waters without them. Apparently of the 30 people on Nachori.de exactly zero are capable of making decisions. They even got lost. Lost. On the route that at least 20 people have done every week all summer long, and the other 10 have a computer giving them turn-by-turn directions. Fucking lost. This means that one (wrong) dude confidently (wrongly) said “turn left” and 29 other jerks knew that was wrong and didn’t say anything. Adults. All adults. Every one of them. There literally has never been a toddler on Nachoride.

By the time Al & Jay rolled up to the Nature Cut, they were sure the group was long gone – but no. They were standing around, confused. Al & Jay rolled really slow hoping no one saw them. They had wimped out and decided not to ride hard. They would have no luck. The entire group stopped again at the waters corner, with zero ideas. Like no one had ever done Waters before. Then Sam had ideas. Tons of them. Cole rolled his eyes (rightfully so) and just started riding. Sam was encouraged to follow, and he enthusiastically did. With an eye to just getting on with it, the decision was made to roll Nacho Classique and just ride hard.

With no teams, the pace stayed nice and steady. Andy opened it up first and the group sorted itself out on the Fletcher section. Full acceleration for the Fletcher prime and … whut?… Andy pulled it down. There was much discussion about secret-training.

Rolling into flats of the Parker section it was steady, and the group was still fairly whole. With a solid crosswind, it was easy to sit in. Then the steady crosswind turned into a steady meat-wind. The meat, unfortunately, was still attached to living, bouncing, terrified deer. When the meat-wind jumped over Ron, was enough to form a couple of echelons and the group split. Into the rollers a front group had formed. Danny attacked to bridge up to Sam who was still out on his own, thinking it mattered. The group stayed steady and pulled everyone back by the Parker Prime which Sam sprinted for. Everyone thought that was funny. Al rolled through on the front of the group and mopped that one up uncontested.

On the Zeeb section there were some tired legs. Pulls dropped from 26mph down to 22ish; there was much fucking around and some nerves from the meat-wind. This all led up to a huge surprise on The Falsest of Flats. Al pulled up the section, but then… and this is insane, Danny sprinted around for the Prime and no one else did anything. It was bananas.

Into the final, everyone sat up. This would be the biggest group together for the Wagner sprint all season. Al was really excited about that. Rich wanted no part of it and smartly took a hard pull and then let the children play. Into the final 1k Andy was taking a sacrificial pull on the front when Al started the lead-out about 300 meters too early, like an idiot. He pulled off and Jay came through with Danny on his wheel but left him with a little too far to go. Patience paid off for Glen tonight and he cruised through for the easy tag, probably coasting.

Primes

  • Fletcher: Andy
  • Parker: Al
  • Zeeb: Danny

Results (maybe?)

  1. Glen
  2. Danny
  3. Sean
  4. Andy
  5. Jay
  6. Al
  7. Ron
  8. Brad
  9. Matt
  10. Steve
  11. Jim
  12. Kevin
  13. Greg
  14. Furey
  15. Craig
  16. Brian
  17. Cameron
  18. Dr. John
  19. Tim
  20. Khao
  21. Matt

Ride of the Night: Andy has moved from struggling up the Falsest of Flats to hammering primes, taking hard pulls, hanging through some big attacks on the rollers and contesting the sprint at the end in just a few short weeks. Way to go. Great ride.

Honorable Mention: Cole went with Sam to share in his punishment just to be a solid dude. He did a ton of work and still hung on until the bitter end at Wagner.

DQ: Sam – Intentionally KOMing Nature Cut on Nachoride is immediate DQ. Unless he stopped to piss and still got the KOM – why do you think they call it Nature Cut?

Double Secret DQ: Sam – No-handed track stand in a group?! Fuck dude.

JULY STARTS NACHORIDE PREMIERE LEAGUE!!!! (wait what is that? who knows!? It might suck! c’mon!)

June 21st: Nacho Bel Grundie

The NachoRide motto has always been, “go long, or go short and get really drunk.” Since the summer solstice fell on a Wednasty this year, we had the rare opportunity to do both. 100 miles after work? No problem when the sun is up until 10PM. Thanks northern latitudes, what you take in shit winters you give back in midnight sun. Also, literal shit-winters are now a possibility. Thanks climate change.

With the 4PM start and guarantee of pace and pain, we weren’t expecting a big crowd. In fact, we thought about just letting Glen do it by himself for a minute but then a dozen idiots rolled out on what would be the first of many terrible ideas… this week.

The goal this week was simple: do 100 gravel miles before the sun sets. Sub-goal: alive. Sub-sub-goal: no butt-blood*. To get it done, our pace would have to average over 19.5mph including stoppage time so we had to dispense with some Nachori.de traditions, like coddling, cuddling, and your bullshit. There would be no stopping for flats, no holding up for stragglers and of course no scrubs.

The pace was on from the gun. With most of the twelve riders taking solid turns on the front, at the two-hour mark we were a little ahead of schedule. Then we stopped for water. A couple of trickling water fountains take a long time to fill 36 bottles, and 20 minutes later we were, well, 20 minutes behind schedule. Oh, and we were entering the hillier part of the ride, and everyone was getting tired. At mile 50 some guys were crossing into “longest ride of the year” zone (y’all crazy: r’spekt).

When Rich met up with us to add some fresh legs at mile 60 he said, “oh fuck you guys are late.” He was right. It was 8PM when we rolled up the Bethel Church Nature Cut. We had about 40 miles left, 1:45 of daylight, and a lot of miles in the legs. We had lost Scott & Mongo John to flats, and folks were starting to get shy at the front. If you math at all, you know we needed to average 23mph for the duration to make it home by dark.

After crossing 52 on Bethel Church, a mixture of bad math, starvation, and misguided self confidence gave us hope that we could make it happen. We could average 23mph for the last 2 hours when we only went 17mph for the first 4 right? Obviously. Then something wonderful happened, delirious with pain, Sean & Jay saw the Whos down in Whoville and their legs grew three sizes that day. Pulls were taken, the pace was raised. This might just work. Even with no wind, KOMs would fall as we turned away from home one last time to do the traditional Nacho Route. 23, 24, 25…27mph it was relentless. At some point Sam got dropped and the group lamented losing all the work he was doing.

It was so fast, we even had time to stop and discuss public land policy with a yokel who blocked the road with his truck. He was interested in right of way, permitting, and being an uninformed shitwhistle.

Once through the gauntlet of shitty pickups and ignorance we kept the pace steady on waters and rolled into Ann Arbor in time to catch the sunset. It was touch and go for awhile, but all things are possible when you haven’t eaten since lunch and there’s Beef Bowls at HOMES.

Results:

CHAMPS: Jeff, Scott, Brian & Steve. These dudes were a few minutes off the back, already 20miles over their longest ride of the year, and facing certain darkness when they got to the first crossing of Waters. They would have to turn away from home to complete the route. Or, they could just keep going at call it 85 miles. NO SHAME in 85 miles of gravel on wednesday… but they didn’t. Fuck no. They turned west and finished that shit.

Ride of the Night: Jay shit dude, those were some massive pulls well into mile 95.

 

*two out of three ain’t bad.

June 14th: Stephen takes the Mauve Jersey

There was threat of rain, a stiff headwind on Waters, and Nuck Tats had a full-suspension downhill bike. Nachoride promised to be epic this week.

Of course it wasn’t. It was solidly mediocre! But please, relive the lukewarm cycling action by reading about this overly detailed account of adult men caring way to much about utterly inconsequential, but highly dangerous activities.

Waters this week: four, larger teams with one designated sprinter on each team. Only the sprinter was eligible for prime points, which were worth two points instead of one. Sprinters were not eligible for finish points at Wagner, which were 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 for 1st-5th and -5, -4, -3, -2, -1 starting from last place. So everyone has to race the whole time, primes matter, and the format rewards the team who is the most average. You thought Nachori.do couldn’t fucking write on theme?

Z-man opened up quickly after the turn and actually got a gap, until he realized he wasn’t his team’s sprinter. Everyone thought he was going for the long-range solo victory. It probably would have been a good move based on the overall speed of Nacho today but the sack-o-idiots that is the nacho bunch chased him down immediately. Glen (Team Pink Sprinter) went early for the Fletcher prime and looked like he was going to stay until Stephen “I’ve been waiting for this setup for three years” Cain nipped him at the line.

The bunch noticed a couple of the sprinters (Jeremy) went hard for that sprint and tried to separate them on the first of the Parker section. It worked on Jeremy, but not Stephen. A few dudes were shed on the run-up to the rollers, but the group stayed big. Then, on the first of the Parker rollers, Nuck Tats rode his DH rig into a pile of gravel and fell over. We thought about stopping to see if he was okay, but he was rolling around on the grass giggling, so everyone pressed on. Do we need to mention that Stephen “no really, gravel sprints are what I live for” Cain took the Parker prime?

Into the Zeeb section, Sean “Captain Pink” went to the front ant tapped out a solid tempo that strung the group out, but didn’t do fuck-all damage. Nice work though, no resting on the team for that captain, but really, get off the front,  The Falsest of Flats is coming and you’ll shoot yer eye out. The headwind put a damper on Al’s standard pack-thinning tactic and the group came up to the Zeeb prime all together, and Stephen “did I mention I like the Nacho primes?” Cain grabbed it for team Fluo, fucking obviously.

Moving into the final segment Al panicked about getting stuck in a bunch sprint and put in one final dig over the top of the hill and managed to get separation from everyone except Sam who said, “let’s go get nine points,” to which Al responded by saying “eyeroll” out loud while rolling his eyes, just to make it super clear. They would stay clear until the end for 1/2, where Sam would execute his tactic of sprinting in a terrifying manner, which is extremely effective on Al who won’t get anywhere near that shit. The action was behind where there were still three points spots and six riders together. POTOKING lead the sprint out early but nobody is stopping Z-man in a downhill sprint and he took 3rd. Sean “Captain Pink” was holding on for 4th until Brad “you can’t have ride of the night two weeks in a row” came through with an epic final push and took him on the line with Sean in 5th.

Champs: Team Pink (Sean, Chris, POTOKING, Glen, Al, Jeff) with no primes, no win at Wagner but six points and no deductions proved that Nachoride is optimized for mediocrity. Team Brown & Team Fluo were tied for 2nd with two points, each getting considerably more points than Pink, but losing them all because they ditched their teammates and got dinged.

Primes

  • Fletcher: Stephen
  • Parker: Stephen
  • Zeeb: Fucking Stephen

Results: (that are on strava… if you’re not on here, upload your damn ride)

  1. Sam
  2. Al
  3. Z-Man
  4. Brad
  5. Sean
  6. POTOKING
  7. Jeff
  8. Stephen
  9. Dr. John
  10. Glen
  11. Ron
  12. Nuck Tats
  13. Chris
  14. Doug
  15. David
  16. Jeff
  17. Jeremy
  18. Todd
  19. Dylan
  20. Khao

Ride of the Night: As captain of Team Pink Sean could have easily sat in and made his peons do all the work, but he went to the front on the Zeeb section and put in a pull hard enough that his team got worried that he’d burn out. He didn’t, and he stuck in for a 5th place finish and added a point to the team score.

DON’T FORGET: Next week is a special NACHO… 4PM … 100 miles… ON A FUCKING WEDNESDAY.

 

June 7th: Really, really sorry about this video

I mean wow; it’s impressively terrible. Jesus.

As Nachori.de enters the first full month of full-length routes and good weather the crowd is getting consistent, and a few new faces each week. One serious problem is that Danny keeps winning, which is boring for everyone not-Danny. So with the specific purpose of trolling Danny we invented a race for Waters that makes Danny start a couple minutes behind everyone else. It was awesome for everyone not-Danny.

Inspired by the Hammer Series, teams started Waters at :30 intervals in reverse finish order of the fastest rider from last week – the first team with three riders across Wagner, regardless of start position, wins. This wasn’t perfect, but, you know, suck it. Ideally it would create Hott Racing Action for one and all, except Danny. Primes were off, because, what?

Team Brown (John, other John, Ron and Bill) started first, followed by Green (Glen, Brad, Dylan, Brian and some dude who didn’t upload his ride), then Pink (Stephen, Brian, Andy, Cameron and Chris), then Orange (Al, Matt, Harvey, Jay, PotoKing) and finally Fluo (Danny, Sam, Sean, WhamWham & Jeff). Wouldn’t it be funny if Sam had intentionally chose Fluo to be on Danny’s team w/o knowing that we had intentionally handicapped him? It’s possible… or he chose Fluo to match his ski goggles.

Brown & Green got off to a solid start, keeping most of their riders in contact through the Fletcher section. Pink, on the other hand, immediately shed half of their team through the potholes and with Orange hot on their hot tails, they would be the first to get swallowed up.

By half-way through the Parker section, Green had caught Brown and merged into Super Group, Temple of The Dog (RIP Chris Cornell) and had a 30 second gap on Orange+Stephen, and an unchanged gap of 30 seconds back to Fluo – but with the rollers coming up, anything could happen! Suspense! Mystery! Fake Racing!

Orange made the catch on Super Group, Temple of the Dog (RIP Chris Cornell) early on the Zeeb section, but burnt Matt in the process and were down to the minimum 3 riders. Super Group, Temple of the Dog (RIP Chris Cornell) was able to tag up with Orange, and with Brad making an epic close to jump on the caboose and for Super Group, Audioslave (RIP Chris Cornell). Fluo had to ease up through the rollers to keep their team in tact and the gap opened to 40 seconds.

On the falsest of Flats things got interesting in Super Group Audioslave (RIP Chris Cornell). Orange was down to 3 riders, and had tired legs from the chase. Green had four riders still and were sitting in – Somehow Orange had to shed a couple of Green from the group, without shedding their own. HOTT RACING ACTION! The plan was for Al to sit on the front while Jay & Harvey went to the back to attack and hopefully get separation while Al hopefully could cover Green’s 3rd man. Then Stephen, who dropped his team in the first section and had nothing to live for, ruined everything by just blowing up Super Group, Audioslave (RIP Chris Cornell) all together. That was until an overly polite teenager (whut?) got confused about what to do with turning a car, and held everyone up at Zeeb long enough to get the band back together. Al was having none of that shit and buried it over the first rise into the Wagner section and dropped the group down to Stephen, Glen, Jay & Al – but no one had 3 riders, the race was on behind.

There was a full minute back to Fluo from the leaders, but they had kept their team together and Harvey (Orange #3) and Brad (Green #3) were in no-mans-land and losing ground fast. Harvey nipped Brad in an irresponsible washboard sprint finish for the team win, with Green an uncomfortably close 2nd. Fluo closed to within :15 seconds of the Harvey-Brad sprint, meaning all teams finished their 3rd within a tight margin. Not bad for totally made up starting gaps and randomly chosen teams. Also, Danny didn’t win, which was the fucking point. Success!

Results:

Champs: Team Orange (Jay, Al, Matt, PotoKing, Harvey)

  • 2nd: Green (Brad, Glen, Dylan, Brian)
  • 3rd: Brown (Ron, John, John, Bill)
  • 4th: Fluo (Danny, Sam, WhamWham, Jeff, Sean)
  • 5th: Pink (Stephen, Brian, Andy, Cameron and Chris)

Ride of the Night: Brad was on the front for Green when Orange passed them, hard. Brad dug fucking deep, closed the gap, and jumped on the back to keep his team complete, and it came down to an eventual sprint finish for the win. All this only a few months out from a broken leg. Big ride man. Big ride.

 

May Last: This won’t last

30 odd folks showed up for Nacho. I mean, really, really odd folks. Great to see some new faces, and we put up with Stephen still showing up. The Kanton Kitty Krew came out in force; they seem to be adding a dude each week… not in the good way.

This week points were given for primes and for each rider a team has in the top 10 at Wagner. So, the most of your color scrunchie in the top ten, plus primes, wins right? While this is absolute simplest form of fake racing we have ever done, it was utterly baffling to the collection of shitheels on Nachoride. After a solid 20 minutes of Q&A, about half of the riders were confident that they might, possibly, know how to count to ten. I know right. I know.

No time was wasted on waters though. Sweet Seth kicked up the pace right away, and after a little warmup Al went to the front to thin out the pack. Danny was patient going into the first prime at Fletcher and easily landed it.

WhamWham attacked on the flats for Team Hott Pynk to start the Parker section. He opened  a decent gap that Sam bridged for Team Shitbrown to form a little two person group. He ditched his break-buddy on the rollers though (rookie move, brah) and heading into the final set was within striking distance for the prime. Al cued up a dead-fish for him, but with Danny on his wheel, and Team Green with one prime already, they let Sam stay away until the line to split the prime points.

The group rolled up all together to start the Zeeb Section. Through the flats a quick inventory of the lead group of 12 had Team Hott Pynk, Team Shitbrown & Team Green with solid representation. Which two would be shed to form the final 10? Who would take the prime at Zeeb (no, fuck that, we know it’s Danny. He does shit work on the Falsest of Flats). As to not bore you… let’s say that Al didn’t go hard on the falsest of flats, and that Danny didn’t just sit on his wheel and come around at the end. And that since Danny was on his wheel, Al kept a little in the tank, allowing Sam to hang on. Let’s say that didn’t happen. Let’s say something unique and interesting happened. Let’s say Danny decided to try an attack because fake racing is about trying things. Let’s say there were some crazy team tactics and not a boring sack of the same shit every week. Yeah. that’s the ticket.

ANYWAY the whatever awesome shit happened at Zeeb, a little group of Al, Danny & Sam had a small gap to start the Wagner section. Al kept the pedal down while Sam and Danny totally fucked around. BTW – it’s called fucking around, not “Reindeer Games” which Sam seems intent on calling this kind of racing. Like seriously. Like Reindeer Games. Really. He keeps saying that shit. Anyway, Danny won easily by sitting on the wheel and coming around. Al sat up to dead-fish Sam at the line. Stephen held out in no-man’s-land for 4th and Jay nipped around Glen and Potoking for Best-of-the-rest. The group was pretty shattered though after a hard chase and the rest came in ones and twos.

Results (kind of)

Champs: Team Shitbrown (sam, rich, glen, potoking, ??). WHAT? Team Green clearly tied?! What gives? Well, Danny got -1 for picking the same color every week. That’s how the nacho crumbles (arbitrarily).

  1. Danny (green)
  2. Al (hott pynk)
  3. Sam (shitbrown)
  4. Stephen (fluo)
  5. Jay (green)
  6. Glen (shitbrown)
  7. PotoKing (shitbrown)
  8. Seth (green)
  9. Rich (Shitbrown)
  10. Harvey (Hott pynk)
  11. Andy (Hott pynk)
  12. Doug
  13. Ron
  14. Dave
  15. David
  16. Craig
  17. Bill
  18. Sean
  19. Chris
  20. WhaWham
  21. Ethan
  22. Cameron
  23. Alan
  24. Jim

Primes

  • Fletcher – Danny
  • Parker – Sam
  • Zeeb – Danny

Ride of the Night: WhamWham with a big attack mid-way and holding the front group until a poorly timed flat. WhamWham threw caution to the wind and put in the big efforts that make Nachori.de fun.