June 14th: Stephen takes the Mauve Jersey

There was threat of rain, a stiff headwind on Waters, and Nuck Tats had a full-suspension downhill bike. Nachoride promised to be epic this week.

Of course it wasn’t. It was solidly mediocre! But please, relive the lukewarm cycling action by reading about this overly detailed account of adult men caring way to much about utterly inconsequential, but highly dangerous activities.

Waters this week: four, larger teams with one designated sprinter on each team. Only the sprinter was eligible for prime points, which were worth two points instead of one. Sprinters were not eligible for finish points at Wagner, which were 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 for 1st-5th and -5, -4, -3, -2, -1 starting from last place. So everyone has to race the whole time, primes matter, and the format rewards the team who is the most average. You thought Nachori.do couldn’t fucking write on theme?

Z-man opened up quickly after the turn and actually got a gap, until he realized he wasn’t his team’s sprinter. Everyone thought he was going for the long-range solo victory. It probably would have been a good move based on the overall speed of Nacho today but the sack-o-idiots that is the nacho bunch chased him down immediately. Glen (Team Pink Sprinter) went early for the Fletcher prime and looked like he was going to stay until Stephen “I’ve been waiting for this setup for three years” Cain nipped him at the line.

The bunch noticed a couple of the sprinters (Jeremy) went hard for that sprint and tried to separate them on the first of the Parker section. It worked on Jeremy, but not Stephen. A few dudes were shed on the run-up to the rollers, but the group stayed big. Then, on the first of the Parker rollers, Nuck Tats rode his DH rig into a pile of gravel and fell over. We thought about stopping to see if he was okay, but he was rolling around on the grass giggling, so everyone pressed on. Do we need to mention that Stephen “no really, gravel sprints are what I live for” Cain took the Parker prime?

Into the Zeeb section, Sean “Captain Pink” went to the front ant tapped out a solid tempo that strung the group out, but didn’t do fuck-all damage. Nice work though, no resting on the team for that captain, but really, get off the front,  The Falsest of Flats is coming and you’ll shoot yer eye out. The headwind put a damper on Al’s standard pack-thinning tactic and the group came up to the Zeeb prime all together, and Stephen “did I mention I like the Nacho primes?” Cain grabbed it for team Fluo, fucking obviously.

Moving into the final segment Al panicked about getting stuck in a bunch sprint and put in one final dig over the top of the hill and managed to get separation from everyone except Sam who said, “let’s go get nine points,” to which Al responded by saying “eyeroll” out loud while rolling his eyes, just to make it super clear. They would stay clear until the end for 1/2, where Sam would execute his tactic of sprinting in a terrifying manner, which is extremely effective on Al who won’t get anywhere near that shit. The action was behind where there were still three points spots and six riders together. POTOKING lead the sprint out early but nobody is stopping Z-man in a downhill sprint and he took 3rd. Sean “Captain Pink” was holding on for 4th until Brad “you can’t have ride of the night two weeks in a row” came through with an epic final push and took him on the line with Sean in 5th.

Champs: Team Pink (Sean, Chris, POTOKING, Glen, Al, Jeff) with no primes, no win at Wagner but six points and no deductions proved that Nachoride is optimized for mediocrity. Team Brown & Team Fluo were tied for 2nd with two points, each getting considerably more points than Pink, but losing them all because they ditched their teammates and got dinged.

Primes

  • Fletcher: Stephen
  • Parker: Stephen
  • Zeeb: Fucking Stephen

Results: (that are on strava… if you’re not on here, upload your damn ride)

  1. Sam
  2. Al
  3. Z-Man
  4. Brad
  5. Sean
  6. POTOKING
  7. Jeff
  8. Stephen
  9. Dr. John
  10. Glen
  11. Ron
  12. Nuck Tats
  13. Chris
  14. Doug
  15. David
  16. Jeff
  17. Jeremy
  18. Todd
  19. Dylan
  20. Khao

Ride of the Night: As captain of Team Pink Sean could have easily sat in and made his peons do all the work, but he went to the front on the Zeeb section and put in a pull hard enough that his team got worried that he’d burn out. He didn’t, and he stuck in for a 5th place finish and added a point to the team score.

DON’T FORGET: Next week is a special NACHO… 4PM … 100 miles… ON A FUCKING WEDNESDAY.