July 20th: NPL Week 2 – Cyclists Don’t Math

NPL Week 2: Man, Man U really sucks.

The crowd this week looked thin after last week’s rain-out-that-didn’t-actually-rain. What? I know. Michigan weather this summer has been like, well, like Michigan weather has always been. Fucking Bananas. Anyway, with minutes to spare, the parking lot at HOMES filled up with dudes in tights. A few of the usual suspects were missing, but a fresh wave of alternates and first-timers put in some great rides.

With one week of NPL behind us, everyone had points on their minds. Which means everyone was super confused the whole time. Which means Waters started out really slow. Andy pedaled off the front for Man U and was joined by Jeff AC (Arsenal), Sean (Man City) and Glen (Liverpool). They sat about 30 meters off the front of the bunch, but no one in the bunch wanted to get them. So they drifted more. Chelsea was the only team left out of the break, and that’s Danny, so no one, there was no one who would chase. Glen grabbed the Prime at Fletcher.

At one point the break looked confused. Like they didn’t want to stay off the front; but the bunch didn’t want them back. Everyone felt like they were well represented (except Danny).

Approaching the first roller, Al and Stephen were chatting. “You know, Danny is the only one who doesn’t have anyone up the road… he’s got to either drag it back or he’s going to attack on this roll….” and Danny attacked. Al and Stephen shut the hell up and chased. Stephen made the jump but gave up a few second too early, like an idiot. This left Al and Danny in no-man’s-land between the break and the bunch. Just before Parker they got a little too close to the break, and neither Al nor Danny wanted to actually catch the break so they let it go off. Glen went to early for the Prime and Sean grabbed it at Parker.

Into the Zeeb section Al and Danny were not able to shake each other so they drifted back into the group. Cole was just sitting on the front soft pedaling trying to keep the break off the front, which was just dangling around 20 seconds gap. Danny sat in the group for a few seconds and then attacked again. Al and Stephen went with him and, well, Stephen gave up again. Three more pedal strokes dude. Three more. Maybe five. No more than ten.

Al and Danny, alone again, in the middle. They tried to drop each other a couple of times on the falsest of the flats, but also didn’t want to catch the break. It was weird. Glen grabbed the Zeeb Prime on top of the falsest of flats and the break stayed away for one more section.

Jeff AC was in the break, and seeing Danny and Al close behind (and not knowing that they were awkwardly trying to float between the bunch and the break) he took it upon himself to drag the break home. All frolicking bullshit was set aside and Jeff just pulled everyone in. Sean and Glen went for the final sprint at Wagner with Sean taking the overall, the bonus point, and the lead in the Beef Jersey WAIT WHAT yeah there was a ton of shit going on here, and it made for some fun, heady racing.

Stephen took the bonus point for best of the rest, Brian slotted in not-last.

Full Results


Man City wins the day, and 6 points, again with the prime putting them out of a three-way tie with the two EFL teams, Arsenal & Man U (Arsenal gets the tie-breaker with the higher top position).

With Cole’s four (that’s it, that’s all of ’em) PR points Man City sits on top of the points for the week as well. Followed by Liverpool, Arsenal and Chelsea, also heavy on the PR points and then… well, Man U… what are we gonna do with Man U. So yeah, Next week Man U will stay in the EFL for a second week and is way, way behind on points. Perhaps they’re just going for a serious head start in week four’s pursuit? It’s a terrible strategy. Chelsea will join them in the EFL next week while Arsenal joins the Premiere League.

There’s a tie for the Jalapeño Jersey between Cole & Jeff Columbia who both swept the PRs this week. Glen takes a 1 point lead in the Cheese and Sean, that crafty motherfucker, put 10 seconds on everyone in the Beef Jersey competition by hanging in that breakaway.

Man City & Liverpool have the most balanced teams, and it shows. They have a healthy advantage on the rest of the teams in overall points. Liverpool opens up a lead in The Zabel with prime points and Man City opened a small lead in the team GC… which is the only thing Man U isn’t last place in…. but, you know, just barely. Just. Fucking. Barely.


The most important bike race in July is heading into the 2nd week, and you’re just dying to hear about the drama, the storylines, the ultra-important factors that will go into fake racing this week.

Here’s what to look for:

Man City: A healthy lead in league standings, with big scoring from Frank (+7), Sean (+8) and WhamWham with a staggering +9. With a lot of those points coming from PRs, which get progressively harder to come by, it remains to be seen whether Man City can pull out another big day of points. They’re also looking for about a second in the team GC competition.

Liverpool: A surprise 2nd place with the strong showing from Semileth on the Tandem, who wont be back this week. Will the return of Glen from the U.P. be enough to keep them in the Premiere league for a 2nd week? Will David B. return from Europe?

Chelsea: Barely in the Premiere league by just two points over Man U & Arsenal, Chelsea has a lot of question marks in week 2. Will PotoKing make a return? Will MongoJohn complete his first Nachoride without a flat tire? Look for Danny to go after primes in the hunt for the Zabel.

Arsenal: With Matt D. out resting for an Iron Man, and Harvey is a fucking mystery, Craig & Dr. John will have to actually have to start on time if Arsenal wants a chance of getting out of the EFL this week. Sam will have extra motivation at Wagner as a first overall by an EFL team is worth 2 bonus points.

Man U: With the likely return of Andy, Man U was looking to make a comeback but Brad is out on the IR for the rest of the season with a broken angel wing. Cute, yes, but it doesn’t do Man U any good in the standings. The rest of the roster has yet to show up so they’ll likely rely on Alternates again this week.

Wind: likely a solid tailwind will negate a lot of the draft. That will tilt the advantage towards the stronger legs for the overall, but the smart riders will be going after those big PR points.

GET ON A TEAM: if you wanna fake-race and don’t want to be an alternate shoot an email to bungsnugglehips@nachori.de and we’ll put you on a team.

NPL: Week 1

Nacho Premiere League: Week 1 – Man City Destroys, Man U Busted

Since America had a birthday on Tuesday, Wednesday was a little light. Only 17 riders for the first week of NPL. Man United & Liverpool were rolling with two riders each, well, 2.5 if you count the tandem as 1.5, or 3 for Liverpool if you count the tandem as 2. Related: Seth & Emily were on a tandem celebrating their 15th anniversary. What else are you gonna do on your anniversary?

Pre-Waters was fairly uneventful. Nothing serious happened. There was absolutely no brad-going-full-send on Nature Cut resulting in a busted body. Does that sound overly specific? Unrelated: Man U’s two-rider roster was reduced to one when Brad went full-send on Nature Cut resulting in a busted body. Things weren’t looking good for Man U. Also, and this will really surprise you, Sam was somehow involved.

With Brad down, Cole hanging back to make sure he didn’t die, Man U recruited Khao & Leo as alternates to fill out a 3 rider team. At this point, Craig, Cameron & Dr. John just took off claiming something about the Kennedy assassination, or sputnik, or some other grannie shit. This really helped our already complicated scoring system that matters.

Just before Waters, Seth & Emily… Semily… Semileth… Emileth, rolled off the front for a head start. Although technically pre-waters, we’re letting it go because it wasn’t an attack by any means, and they were celebrating their 15th anniversary. What else are you gonna do on your anniversary? Despite some solid pulls, the Emileth stayed off the front and gobbled up the Fletcher Prime.

Al took the opportunity to roll the pace up a bit, and caused the first split in the group. Man City marked it well and kept a full compliment of riders in the front group, riding conservatively. Sam attacked a few times for Arsenal, but Man U would steadily reel him back in. On the final set of rollers, Man U was straight sick of doing all the work and decided to let Chelsea take a pull. Yeah right. Chelsea did fucking nothing, and Sam stayed away for the Parker prime. See what it gets you? See.

Frank took a big pull for Man City to start off the Zeeb section, and pulled in Sam. After a short break, Frank threw a curve ball and attacked before the Falsest of flats and, now this is crazy, Sam chased him. The bunch was straight sick of the attacking. Man City & Arsenal were represented in the break, Chelsea and Liverpool weren’t gonna do shit… ever… so the chase was left to Man U.. aka Al, to pull up the Falsest of Flats. Al let Sam dangle a bit so he wouldn’t keep attacking and pulled back until… Danny attacked at the top of the Falsest of Flats, came around Sam and took the Prime. See how that’s different from every other fucking time? See? It’s 100% different.

Into the final section to Wager there was a good group with every team represented. Man City was the powerhouse with Jay, Frank, Sean & WhamWham, Arsenal had two riders in Matt & Sam, Danny was there for Chelsea, Al for Man U, Stephen for Liverpool. Al kept the gas on for the first rise, and opened a little gap. Jay came around for a pull and Al was going to let Danny through but, you know, Danny don’t do shit so Jay opened a gap, on accident, because Danny. That let the rest of the group catch up and Jay was off the front. Al pulled steady until putting in a faux-dig to get someone to come around. Frank bit and came through fast, that pulled Jay in and the group was together. The final sprint opened up with a full compliment – Jay sat up with the (correct) idea that “it’s just not worth it, it’s just, not, worth it.” WhamWham looked like he might stage the upset for Man City but Danny came through with the “see, I never do any work ever, ever” sprint proving that patience wins the race, but karma is a rat testicle (foreshadowing league results!).

Results on a fuckin’ spreadsheet!? What?

Standings after one week

Man City takes the day and a commanding lead in league points, with WhamWham, Frank & Sean racking up massive PR points. Liverpool & Chelsea round out the day, and the current league standings.

Arsenal leads the GC by a second over Man City, and Al has the Beef Jersey by 3 seconds. WhamWham took 3 PRs and the Jalapeno Jersey. The rest are all knotted up.

Next week Man City, Chelsea, & Liverpool complete in the Premiere league while Man U & Arsenal vie for promotion from the EFL.

NOTES: Craig, Cameron & Dr. John were all given the last place time & points (15) for the game. The points were calculated in the game scoring (if in the top 3 for their team) but the times were not included in the GC average calculation. Seemed like a good compromise.

Ride of the Night: Sam … for making it through a NachoRide without doing something dumb. Has he just lowered the bar so far that this is what passes for a ride of the night? No, we at NachoRide believe in positive reinforcement for positive behavior. Or neutral behavior in this case.


In July NachoRide will do something unprecedented and fully against the spirit and soul of NachoRide, but then, the spirit and soul of NachoRide is having no spirit, no soul so … well, this is spot on.

The four NachoRides in July (5, 12, 19, 26) will be structured such as the Premiere League, have persistent teams, and really, really complicated scoring. It’s laid out in this post, along with your teams, how they were made, etc. Ideally, this keeps everyone important in fake racing, and everyone working hard and getting a fun, good workout. If you strategize with your team, it will probably be more fun.


  • There are five teams: 3 Premiere League, 2 English Football League
  • Each week, one team will be relegated and one promoted
  • The first week everyone is in the Premiere League, the bottom two will be demoted.


  • League points are separate from game points. Some things (primes) matter for weekly game points and league points.
  • Premiere League and EFL teams will be racing together for game points, but separately for league points.
  • There are more points available in the Premiere League
Game Premiere EFL
1st 6 3
2nd 5 1
3rd 2
Primes 1 1
PR Fletcher 1 1
PR Parker 1 1
PR Zeeb 1 1
Wagner Win 1 2
Best of the Rest 1 1
Not Last 1 1

Team Classification Awards

  • Total Points
  • Most Weeks in Premiere League
  • The Zabel (Most Team Primes)
  • GC (lowest average time for all riders, all runs of the SGMGR segment)

    Individual Classification Awards

  • The Jalapeño (Most PR Points)
  • The Cheese (Most Primes)
  • The Beef  (Lowest average Time on SGMGR segment)


    July 5th: Nacho Classique
    Points according to place, minus primes, lowest score wins.

    July 12th: First & Fourth
    Points of the first and fourth rider count, minus primes, lowest score wins

    July 19th: Designated Sprinters

  • Primes are Doubled, only designated sprinter eligible.
  • Plus Two points for each non-sprinter in the  top five.
  • Minus 2 points for each rider in the bottom five.
  • Highest score wins.July 26th: Pursuit
  • Teams start in reverse order of league score from first three weeks with :10 seconds per point.
  • 2nd rider counts, finish order is winner order.


  • Teams were built based on an arbitrary point system based on past contribution to game which wasn’t necessarily totally strength-based.
  • New riders/Alternates will be drafted at the nature cut each week; first pick going to the team with the fewest riders present, then in reverse order of league points.
  • Trades: Sure! Why not. Must be submitted by Noon Wednesday.
    Chelsea Man U Arsenal Man City Liverpool
    Danny Al Sam Jay Stephen
    Rich Andy Matt D Frank Glen
    ZMan Brad Harvey Colin Seth
    PotoKing John B. Ron V. Sean Doug B.
    Mongo John Chris P. B-Bill The Furey David B.
    Brian P. Ethan Craig WhamWham Christina
    Cameron Dylan Dr. John Chris Sliney Greg G.
    Jeff  Steve Poi