Nacho Premiere League: Week 1 – Man City Destroys, Man U Busted
Since America had a birthday on Tuesday, Wednesday was a little light. Only 17 riders for the first week of NPL. Man United & Liverpool were rolling with two riders each, well, 2.5 if you count the tandem as 1.5, or 3 for Liverpool if you count the tandem as 2. Related: Seth & Emily were on a tandem celebrating their 15th anniversary. What else are you gonna do on your anniversary?
Pre-Waters was fairly uneventful. Nothing serious happened. There was absolutely no brad-going-full-send on Nature Cut resulting in a busted body. Does that sound overly specific? Unrelated: Man U’s two-rider roster was reduced to one when Brad went full-send on Nature Cut resulting in a busted body. Things weren’t looking good for Man U. Also, and this will really surprise you, Sam was somehow involved.
With Brad down, Cole hanging back to make sure he didn’t die, Man U recruited Khao & Leo as alternates to fill out a 3 rider team. At this point, Craig, Cameron & Dr. John just took off claiming something about the Kennedy assassination, or sputnik, or some other grannie shit. This really helped our already complicated scoring system that matters.
Just before Waters, Seth & Emily… Semily… Semileth… Emileth, rolled off the front for a head start. Although technically pre-waters, we’re letting it go because it wasn’t an attack by any means, and they were celebrating their 15th anniversary. What else are you gonna do on your anniversary? Despite some solid pulls, the Emileth stayed off the front and gobbled up the Fletcher Prime.
Al took the opportunity to roll the pace up a bit, and caused the first split in the group. Man City marked it well and kept a full compliment of riders in the front group, riding conservatively. Sam attacked a few times for Arsenal, but Man U would steadily reel him back in. On the final set of rollers, Man U was straight sick of doing all the work and decided to let Chelsea take a pull. Yeah right. Chelsea did fucking nothing, and Sam stayed away for the Parker prime. See what it gets you? See.
Frank took a big pull for Man City to start off the Zeeb section, and pulled in Sam. After a short break, Frank threw a curve ball and attacked before the Falsest of flats and, now this is crazy, Sam chased him. The bunch was straight sick of the attacking. Man City & Arsenal were represented in the break, Chelsea and Liverpool weren’t gonna do shit… ever… so the chase was left to Man U.. aka Al, to pull up the Falsest of Flats. Al let Sam dangle a bit so he wouldn’t keep attacking and pulled back until… Danny attacked at the top of the Falsest of Flats, came around Sam and took the Prime. See how that’s different from every other fucking time? See? It’s 100% different.
Into the final section to Wager there was a good group with every team represented. Man City was the powerhouse with Jay, Frank, Sean & WhamWham, Arsenal had two riders in Matt & Sam, Danny was there for Chelsea, Al for Man U, Stephen for Liverpool. Al kept the gas on for the first rise, and opened a little gap. Jay came around for a pull and Al was going to let Danny through but, you know, Danny don’t do shit so Jay opened a gap, on accident, because Danny. That let the rest of the group catch up and Jay was off the front. Al pulled steady until putting in a faux-dig to get someone to come around. Frank bit and came through fast, that pulled Jay in and the group was together. The final sprint opened up with a full compliment – Jay sat up with the (correct) idea that “it’s just not worth it, it’s just, not, worth it.” WhamWham looked like he might stage the upset for Man City but Danny came through with the “see, I never do any work ever, ever” sprint proving that patience wins the race, but karma is a rat testicle (foreshadowing league results!).
Man City takes the day and a commanding lead in league points, with WhamWham, Frank & Sean racking up massive PR points. Liverpool & Chelsea round out the day, and the current league standings.
Arsenal leads the GC by a second over Man City, and Al has the Beef Jersey by 3 seconds. WhamWham took 3 PRs and the Jalapeno Jersey. The rest are all knotted up.
Next week Man City, Chelsea, & Liverpool complete in the Premiere league while Man U & Arsenal vie for promotion from the EFL.
NOTES: Craig, Cameron & Dr. John were all given the last place time & points (15) for the game. The points were calculated in the game scoring (if in the top 3 for their team) but the times were not included in the GC average calculation. Seemed like a good compromise.
Ride of the Night: Sam … for making it through a NachoRide without doing something dumb. Has he just lowered the bar so far that this is what passes for a ride of the night? No, we at NachoRide believe in positive reinforcement for positive behavior. Or neutral behavior in this case.