July 26th: NPL Week 3

NPL Week 3: Legends and Lots o’ dudes

Sorry it took so long for the write-up to post; with 40+ dudes rolling out of HOMES it took for fucking ever to score this thing. The butts factory must have been closed, cuz all you idiots wanted to eat nachos… instead of butts. Get it? Everyone is usually at the butts factory… because they eat butts on most Wednesdays. There’s also a factory that makes butts… for eating.

There’s an old saying, “the peloton that is the hugest, stayeth to-fucking-gether no matter what.” Apparently the number needed for the Nachoride draft to be unbreakable is anything over 30. With Full teams of 5 plus at least an extra alternate on every team, and some with 7 riders, it was… well, fucking awesome.

Designated Sprinters was the game with Danny (Chelsea), Andy (Man U), Cole (Arsenal), Sean (Man City) & Stephen for Liverpool vying for primes, but ineligible for the overall.

It was Gruppo Compatto coming into the Fletcher Prime; it stretched out a little as Danny came around for the two points. There was a little bullshit coming through into the Parker section, but everything came back together. Like EVERYTHING. Into the rollers a few hard pulls were taken, by a few hard men, like… I think they were erect, not that they’re tough… but no matter, even the Parker rollers couldn’t split the group. Danny went a little early for the prime and Sean was able to steal one for Man City.

Into the Zeeb section, everyone was looking forward to the Falsest of Flats. Al drifted back in the group to grab a head count, but he couldn’t… ‘cuz there were so many fucking people still there. With only 8 spots available for points, and the bottom 8 losing points… no one wanted to leave it up to the jury in a downhill sprint so much watts were spent on the Falsest of Flats… which of course is exactly what Danny wanted to grab the Zeeb Prime… but, whatever.

The final section, the group was finally busted up by the efforts on the Falsest of Flats… hahaha…. yeah right. Nope. Everything was all together still. It was a giant group into the final. Who still had legs? Who was just barely hanging on? Who Knows! With Danny, Sean & Stephen sitting up and out of it as designated sprinters, the sign at wagner was up for grabs. With still more than 8 in the group, not everyone would get points. Al went early, to guarantee a spot in the 8 and string it out. ZMan still had the legs, and came around to take the bonus point… but he went for the decoy construction sign… like an idiot. Al took the easy win and the two bonus points. WAIT WHUT 2? I THOUGHT IT WAS 1 ?! … Man U is in the EFL (permanently) so a win is worth 2. Don’t worry though, nothing can save Man U. They suck ass.


Going into the pursuit in the final week, Man U is going to have a huge head start as they really shit the bed… but still in the EFL, they can only get bullshit points anyway. Man City holds a tiny lead over Liverpool in the overall so those two will duke it out. With primes offline for the pursuit, this one is going to come down to PR bonus points. Will Man City go for the game points or keep everyone together and go for maximum PRs for their domestiques? Strategies! Intrigue!

Arsenal is only 4 seconds back in the GC, and with different start times it will just take pure watts to make the gap. Keeping everyone together and the speed high will help.

Man U really doesn’t have much to ride for. Al is 4 seconds back on Sean for the Beef Jersey, Danny has the Cheese locked up with no more prime points available, and there’s a cluster of All of the Jeffs, Cole and John B atop the Jalapeno – it could go any way, but it’s gonna be spicybutthole.

Since MAN U sucked so bad, seconds-per-point were reduced to 5 (instead of 10) so Starting Gaps for Tomorrow:

  1. MAN U: 0:00
  2. ARSENAL: 0:50
  3. CHELSEA: 1:20
  4. LIVERPOOL: 2:00
  5. MAN CITY: 2:10