August 2nd: NPL Finale

NPL Finale: Man City Chokes on a big, hard nacho

With Old Jay gone for the finale, he left the season-long powerhouse of Man City in Sean’s hands. Though their gap had dwindled to two over Liverpool, the Team Pursuit stage had fewer points on the table so they didn’t even have to beat Liverpool to win the NPL… they just couldn’t come in last pla…. OH SHIT! FUMBLE! FOOTBALL TALK! THEY BLEW IT!

Team Pursuit is tricky. You need to finish two people. Slowest teams go off first. Faster teams in the back can combine forces to go very, very fast. PR points are on the table if you keep your slower guys in the bunch, but then you sacrifice your overall time and possibility for the win on the day. What do you do?

Man U went off first with a 50 second gap, because they really, really sucked it up this season. They lost a bunch of riders early and Al & Cole would do their best to hang on to the finish. They were able to stay away for the win on the day, and let’s just go ahead and give Cole the Ride of the Week right now because Al tortured the shit out of him with many, many lies “only 500 more meters,” “there’s a little rest after this rise,” “you’re doing great.” Cole put up a great performance and nabbed the bonus points for the overall on the final day for an EFL team… a permanent EFL team. Really, Man U was never in the Premiere league.

On the other end of the race, you know, the end that matters, Sean had picked up some solid alternates in Jeff AC & Adam for the week and things looked bad for Liverpool. Man City caught Liverpool almost immediately and they worked together to reel in Chelsea, Arsenal, and the rest of Man U in quick succession. The bunch ripped up the Falsest of Flats with some of the newer riders plopping into the top 10 on Strava. With the whole group together, it looked like there was no way for Liverpool to make up the 2 points on Man City.

Then Sean fucking blew it. Liverpool was committed. Nuck Tats skipped the Waterford World Championships of Sitting in Traffic to make the NPL finale, Stephen went full-cippo and scooped up best of the rest giving Liverpool the top Premiere League spot. All Sean had to do was get two guys in the group above Chelsea… then Doug broke his deraileur… they spent Adam & Sliney on earlier pulls to catch Liverpool. Jeff AC pulled his weight and snuck in right where he needed to be and then Sean, baby-boy, “had a flat in the sprint.” Everyone thought that was weird since having a “flat in the sprint” isn’t a thing. Sean will probably protest and say “no really! ask Cole! He helped me fix it! I had a flat!” and we’ll all say, “Sure sean. Sure. Right buddy. A flat in the sprint. That’s totally a thing,” but we’ll be rolling our eyes so hard because it’s not a thing and everyone knows it.

Man City loses the NPL on the last day, in the last few meters because of a “flat in the sprint.” High drama am I right!?


  1. Liverpool 55
  2. Man City 54
  3. Chelsea 45
  4. Arsenal 36
  5. Man U 31
  • ZABEL: Liverpool
  • GC: Man City (26:01)
  • Jalapeño: Jeff AC (10)
  • Cheese: Danny (3)
  • Beef: Sean (25:16:45)

Prizes in a week or two at HOMES. They’re gonna blow your dong off.