May Nachoz / NPL / Various / Bloodlungz / Bullshit

What the hell is going on? Is there a May NPL? Where is the scoring? Who is running this shit show? Well, karma finally caught up to Al for subjecting you to these videos every week. As an obese, sedentary, smoker, his lungs filled up with blood, he spent the weekend in the ER, and will be off the bike for a few months. This is not a joke. Well, it’s funny, but it’s not a joke. That asshole had a pulmonary embolism; it’s an affliction that can only affect an active, healthy person if you really, really, piss off whatever force/luck you believe in, by, say, writing an entire nacho-post about Seth’s dick. He’s alive, but still coughing up blood here and there. He’s definitely not enjoying these 65-and-sunny Nachorides. Whatever. I’m sure he doesn’t care all that much.

Cool, nobody cares, what about my Nacho Points? Danny, NQNS-Stephen, Jay and some others will be helping keep score and get things updated. Word on the street is that JeffAC has a line on some hott automated scoring shit. So GAME ON… Man U might have to forfiet with their GC rider out and the Kanton Kittens making up their sprint squad and being suspiciously absent.

We’ll get this updated ASAP. In the meantime…

Enjoy your days in the sun. Get on the bike. Things can go sideways fast.

May 6th: Seth’s Birthday, he’s a great dude

We don’t have a lot of information on this the May 6th Nachoride due to an event now know n as “The Chickening.” However, using advanced sensor techniques, satellite imaging, lasers and dentaldams, we have put together the following analysis within an acceptable margin of error.

The group accelerated quickly onto waters, with birthday-boy Seth and his entire krew of Kanton Kittenz taking the pace high. Coming up to the sprint at Fletcher, it looked like birthday-boy Seth wasn’t going to take it but his birthday-erect penis leaped forward from his bibs and he won by a head.

The Parker section saw the group split, come come back together, split again and eventually approach the sprint with all of the hitters still gunning for it. No Quit No Spit Stephen was perfectly set up for an easy win on the uphill sprint, but Seth’s Birthday Boner actually used its boner-cleat® to clip in and pedal him across first. Dick watts, amiright?

With the lead group established, and frankly, everyone terrified of Seth’s autonomous appendage, there wasn’t much (non boner) related action on the falsest of flats up to Zeeb. Nobody even bothered going for the sprint because they didn’t want to see what Seth’s dong would do next. Seth rolled across in first with everyone else covering their eyes and holes.

From the satellite it looks like Stephen won the final sprint, however, on further analysis it appears that Seth’s dick actually won.

Then everybody won because the legend, Brian Adams, showed up at HOMES. Note: That’s not another joke about Seth’s dick! That’s true!

Dammit.

April 25th: Sean is Dead to Us

Sean is gonna be Dr. Sean shortly, and as such, is dead to us. As his last NachoRide, he wanted to go out hard. Unfortunately, he went hard too soon, and couldn’t keep it up until the finish? Really? That joke? C’mon.

It didn’t seem like there was enough crosswind for proper guttering on Waters, but that never stopped anyone. Much like that terrible joke up there, the group went straight into the gutter after the turn. As “dude go around me” was heard, a small gap opened and Sam, Sean and Al started working together. With Danny left in the group, ready to not do any work ever cuz Danny, it looked like that might be the move. Then Al slammed into a giant hole and dropped his chain, like an asshole.

A bit of chaos ensued, with the crosswinds on the open bit of the Parker section splitting the group into three. Through the rollers the groups stayed fairly compact, with the lead group content to ride tempo and avoid the gaping craters that is Waters rd. in April. In fact, they were lazy enough that Al and the rest of the 2nd group nearly caught them at the top of the falsest of Flats – but you know what they say, “nearly” only counts in horseshoes and hamsters. Or something.

Danny pulled a small gap over the top of the Zeeb hill and held it to the end, with the rest of the front group; Sam, Stephen, Cameron, Jay sprinting it out. Oh yeah, Sean sat up and got caught by Al on the line. C’mon Sean. No quitting on your quitting ride! Seth sprinted the 2nd group for best of the rest and everyone else finished up there… making this years team-setting for NPL pretty easy….

WHAT?!?! OH RIGHT – NPL Starts MAY 9th! We want to get one in before Danny takes off, because fuck that guy. It’s a little different this year (Nachoride = always learning) so details are clickable on this page… somewhere… internet!

April 4th: Jay loves Candy Ken

Michigan has been a real dick about Spring this year, postponing it indefinitely. Wednesday was cold with a chance of bullshit, but Jay, Ron, Dan & Jeff Colombia were so into this hott Candy Ken track they had to go ride a loop.

Maybe next week will be as hott as Mr. Ken.

Is Ken is last name? I dunno. It seems like a first name.

March 28th: Go to town, yeah

Nachori.de is off to a great start. The second week was muddy and cold but Glen showed up in a slightly less enormous but still solidly huge jacket along with about 30 other folks. Even Khao made the start! Also, heavy consideration was given to just leaving this Doja Cat video up all season. Honestly, with the posting of Go to Town, we’ve peaked.

We avoided the Nature Cut again this week due to mud and ruts, unfortunately the entire ride was mud and ruts. Who knew. Jay and Danny disappeared for some mud wrestlin’ on their own and showed up about an hour later with wry grins. We’re not making any assumptions, but they definitely fucked.

This week saw another surprise entry onto waters, not to be confused with the “surprise entry” from the previous paragraph. With a few newbies on the ride, the waters turn caught most folks by surprise. Luckily it rolled up to speed steadily and the group stayed together until Fletcher.

Sean took a turn on the front, then Glen, and Andy “what, I thought you lived in Traverse City Now” Weir, and Ian. Every now and then we’d catch a glimpse of a fluo lazer helmet and Knuck Tats. Oh crap, KNUCK TATS IS HERE.

The falsest of flats was hard, as always, and there he was… Knuck tats. Still there. Glen started his sprint for the Wagner sign in southwest Kentucky. We’re not even sure Glen knows where the sign is at this point. Knuck Tats cranked up the speed with Ian on his wheel who sprinted around Knuck Tats for the sign… but as a newb didn’t know about Al’s “no-pedal from the back” move. Oops.

Will next week be the first, actually, really nice Nacho? MAYBE! Probably not. Whatever. Come anyway.

March 21st: More Folks than Degrees F

March 21st means two things: the first day of Spring, the first nachoride and three things, the Persian New Ye four things the 50th anniversary of Micky Mouse’s first auto-erotic asphyxiation experimen… five things it was also Al’s birthday.

We’re not exactly sure which of those factors brought the crowd, but at best guess over 40 people rolled out in 35 degrees for the first Nachori.de of the year. A lot of Micky Mouse kink fans out there. With scarce daylight the route was shortened, the potholes were massive, but everyone made it through unscathed. The slow part was a bit harder than past years, but the shorter ride kept the group together.

Those who aren’t geographically gifted were surprised by Waters as we approached from a new angle, which is really the old angle, and immediately hit the gutter for some Nacho Classic. There was no warning, just straight into the crosswind. The grey-beards had their chance to shine as the young & dumb got caught out in the wind and David “DP” Palin & Alan “ZlutMan” Zoltowski knew where to sit.

Once across Fletcher and into the open fields, the gaps opened quickly as effort crossed the 5 minute mark. Al’s Di2 came unplugged and Adam said “Coming Through” which will be ridiculed for at least a month, possibly into May at which point we might let it go. He did a solid job of hanging off the front a few meters through the Parker stop. Glen & Z were still hanging in there, which is amazing since Glen was actually wearing an EZ-UP tent. So aero.

Eventually Danny & Al tricked Adam into taking the first pull on the Falsest of Flats which he fell for because, well, those flats be false yo! It’s harder than it looks. Danny let Al stay on the front across the final as it was the least he could do for someone turning ten years older than him. Like a goddamn decade.

Will this season be HUGE on Nachori.de? LOOKS LIKE IT. C’mon out.

Sep 26th: You know what they say

Nachori.de continues to steamroll into fall with nearly 40 showing up every week. Perhaps people are Iceman Prepping. Perhaps it’s cyclocross season that gets folks into the gravel mood. Perhaps they just want to ride a route that really (really) looks like a cock. Whatever the case, it’s a big crowd, and we love it.

This week all no games would be played, just a solid tailwind and Nacho Classic. Huy-Style. In addition, this week was extra special in that Nachori.de was blessed with the presence of the undisputed King of Strava. Since he’s so famous, he uses a fake name on Strava to avoid being mobbed by adoring fans. Everyone was hard with anticipation to watch him work his Strava magic.

The ramp up from Peckins was slow. Cat realized her wheel wasn’t on all the way, and Al drifted around taking photos of the big group because he cares more about Instagram than his dignity. King Of Strava was  trying to roll the start of the segments on the back of the group, which no one noticed, or realized what he was doing. Luckily Michael, Sean, Jay, Herb, Sam and some others were focused and went to the front to get the pace up.

The Parker segment started smooth and steady with the tailwind keeping speeds high on the flats leading into the first set of rollers. A few gaps opened in the rollers, but the big group stayed together with plenty of places to hide. Ryan even came through with a monster pull up to Parker.

Things finally started to break up on the Falsest of Flats. Rich and Danny opened up a small gap over the group before Ryan, Al & Duncan bridged up to them and extended the lead. The selection had been made, and there was much dick sucking back in the group, but a short wait for a car at Zeeb allowed the dropped riders to catch up and wipe their chins before the final segment.

A small group of four: JR, Al, Herb & Rich ended up with small gap before the final sprint, with JR leading out and Al trying to come around but his tiny idiot legs don’t have 40mph watts. The downhill sprint at Wagner is a long, slow death often only conquered from way, way in the back. As was the case this week with Sam leading out from the group and Danny winning the day easily from the back seat.

The roll back to HOMES was punctuated by a perfect sunset and the humbling honor of riding with the King of Strava. Nachori.de will never be the same.

Aug 30: NCL Finale

NCL Finale: Totally balanced… except Liverpool. Sorry Liverpool.

There were fortish folks rolling out from HOMES again. Full rosters for Young Boys, Hoffenheim and Liverpool with team Jazzy Tree multiplying like (jazzy) Shofixti, there were plenty of alternates to fill out Chelsea & Man City for the day.  WHAT, WAS THAT REFERENCE TOO DEEP?

We’ll skip the intro for this week and get right to the hottest, fakest racing Michigan has to offer that’s not in Traverse City, or Grand Rapids. The final day is the team pursuit, in gaps based on reverse order of score, with real-time, 2nd rider, finish being the winner. So, it’s heavily tilted to make it really close at the end. However, all of the time gaps, points balance are totally made up using absolutely no basis … and then there are PR points which who fucking knows. So as you’d expect it totally…. worked fucking perfectly. Hott damn. Except for Liverpool, they still blow.

Liverpool went out first with a 28 second gap on Man City, who started only six seconds in front of Hoffenheim and Young Boys who were tied for 2nd and then it was another 34 seconds back to Chelsea – who were in the lead by 17 points. With 12 points for the game win, and 5 bonus points for the first rider across Wagner, it was wide open Hoff or YB to take it home – or Man City with a few PR points.

Hoff n’ YB caught Man City quickly, and after much discussion and instruction from the grey-beards about keeping it steady and working together, Sam just blew the fuck by Man City and exploded the group. So less than 2k in, half the teams are mixing, the other half are trying to get around and bridge gaps, and anyone who wasn’t perfectly positioned or had power to spare was spit out the back to ride alone – no PR points or help. Sorry. Thanks Sam. Masterfully played.

Liverpool was in sight up the road, and the Super Group, Ginger Baker’s Air Force (yes, we’re using that joke again, cuz it’s a great joke, suck it), was in sight of Chelsea who took their minimum 2 riders (Danny/Ryan) and immediately dropped their team.

Super Group, Blizzard of Oz, worked together fairly well, at least when Sam wasn’t fucking flying off the front for no reason and then sitting up like “whut?”, or when Herb wasn’t yelling at Jeremy Jazzy n’ Talus Jazzy (no relation) for not knowing how to ride a rotating paceline. First rule of rotating pacelines, don’t expect the dudes on mountain bikes to know how to rotating paceline. 2nd Rule of rotating pacelines, mountain bikes spin out at 28mph. 3rd rule of Rotating pacelines, if herb isn’t yelling at you, you’re not trying hard enough.

Super Group The Mortal Coil caught Liverpool and became Super Group Mike & The Mechanics and that shit went on pretty steady for awhile… kind of working well, acceleration, sam fucks it up, it slows down, kind of gets its shit together again, sam fucks it up, herb yells at someone… repeat; but generally it went fast enough…

Until the Falsest of Flats. It was clear that Chelsea wasn’t going to catch Super Group Pigface and the leading teams started looking around for a winner. There were a couple of attacks, but nothing stuck long. Al went to the front and started soft pedaling for some unknown, insane reason (it was later revealed his KOM on FoF was in jeapordy, so he held it up instead of going for it, cuz he’s a lazy slob).

Jeff AC attacked off the top of Zeeb (which is such a good spot FYI) and looked like he might make it stick, but NO SPIT NO QUIT STEPHEN WAS BACK!!!!! We missed him. If he wasn’t quitting and spitting all season maybe Liverpool wouldn’t be in such a shit spot. Anyway, Stephen found his swallow again and single-handedly closed the gap to Jeff AC. At least he’d be blown for the sprint right.

You’re WRONG. Stephen sprinted from the 2 spot and stayed in front of Sean, Adam and Al coming from way back but not with enough to make it around Stephen. [chanted] No Quit! No Spit! No Quit! No Spit!

So Liverpool takes the bonus points, spoiling the day for Hoff and Young Boys, and handing a gift to Chelsea right? WRONG! Nachoride is too mysterious and unpredictable like a romantic dinner with Javier Bardem in a slowly flooding cave that smells of lavender.

Apparently this was the fastest Nacho on record with a new KOM set for the Sean Geary Memorial Gentlmen’s Race, and every other segment (except the Falsest of Flats, way to go Al). Krank Jazz ended up with the KOM but we’ll give that a full-GPS-fart side-eye for at least a week, and the PR points went crazy and the final ended up going down to a tiebreaker.

Young Boys take it with 63 points and 2 wins to Chelsea’s 63 points and 1 win. Man City in 3rd with 62, and Hoff in 4th with 61. So the top 4 teams, all within 2 points. If you’re keeping track, “top 4” in this case means “everyone except Liverpool,” whose score shall not be spoken.

Hoffenheim takes the Zabel (4) and the Team GC with strong early performances (and Danny’s missing a week) which is also how Al managed to grab the Cheese jersey.

Michel edged out Herb for the Jalapeño, (most bonus).

Krank Jazz takes the GC by one and three seconds over Sean and Glen respectively (but, GPS SIDE EYE REMEMBER).

That was pretty fun. Thanks everyone!!!

FULL RESULTS AND STANDINGS