Sep 26th: You know what they say

Nachori.de continues to steamroll into fall with nearly 40 showing up every week. Perhaps people are Iceman Prepping. Perhaps it’s cyclocross season that gets folks into the gravel mood. Perhaps they just want to ride a route that really (really) looks like a cock. Whatever the case, it’s a big crowd, and we love it.

This week all no games would be played, just a solid tailwind and Nacho Classic. Huy-Style. In addition, this week was extra special in that Nachori.de was blessed with the presence of the undisputed King of Strava. Since he’s so famous, he uses a fake name on Strava to avoid being mobbed by adoring fans. Everyone was hard with anticipation to watch him work his Strava magic.

The ramp up from Peckins was slow. Cat realized her wheel wasn’t on all the way, and Al drifted around taking photos of the big group because he cares more about Instagram than his dignity. King Of Strava was  trying to roll the start of the segments on the back of the group, which no one noticed, or realized what he was doing. Luckily Michael, Sean, Jay, Herb, Sam and some others were focused and went to the front to get the pace up.

The Parker segment started smooth and steady with the tailwind keeping speeds high on the flats leading into the first set of rollers. A few gaps opened in the rollers, but the big group stayed together with plenty of places to hide. Ryan even came through with a monster pull up to Parker.

Things finally started to break up on the Falsest of Flats. Rich and Danny opened up a small gap over the group before Ryan, Al & Duncan bridged up to them and extended the lead. The selection had been made, and there was much dick sucking back in the group, but a short wait for a car at Zeeb allowed the dropped riders to catch up and wipe their chins before the final segment.

A small group of four: JR, Al, Herb & Rich ended up with small gap before the final sprint, with JR leading out and Al trying to come around but his tiny idiot legs don’t have 40mph watts. The downhill sprint at Wagner is a long, slow death often only conquered from way, way in the back. As was the case this week with Sam leading out from the group and Danny winning the day easily from the back seat.

The roll back to HOMES was punctuated by a perfect sunset and the humbling honor of riding with the King of Strava. Nachori.de will never be the same.

Aug 30: NCL Finale

NCL Finale: Totally balanced… except Liverpool. Sorry Liverpool.

There were fortish folks rolling out from HOMES again. Full rosters for Young Boys, Hoffenheim and Liverpool with team Jazzy Tree multiplying like (jazzy) Shofixti, there were plenty of alternates to fill out Chelsea & Man City for the day.  WHAT, WAS THAT REFERENCE TOO DEEP?

We’ll skip the intro for this week and get right to the hottest, fakest racing Michigan has to offer that’s not in Traverse City, or Grand Rapids. The final day is the team pursuit, in gaps based on reverse order of score, with real-time, 2nd rider, finish being the winner. So, it’s heavily tilted to make it really close at the end. However, all of the time gaps, points balance are totally made up using absolutely no basis … and then there are PR points which who fucking knows. So as you’d expect it totally…. worked fucking perfectly. Hott damn. Except for Liverpool, they still blow.

Liverpool went out first with a 28 second gap on Man City, who started only six seconds in front of Hoffenheim and Young Boys who were tied for 2nd and then it was another 34 seconds back to Chelsea – who were in the lead by 17 points. With 12 points for the game win, and 5 bonus points for the first rider across Wagner, it was wide open Hoff or YB to take it home – or Man City with a few PR points.

Hoff n’ YB caught Man City quickly, and after much discussion and instruction from the grey-beards about keeping it steady and working together, Sam just blew the fuck by Man City and exploded the group. So less than 2k in, half the teams are mixing, the other half are trying to get around and bridge gaps, and anyone who wasn’t perfectly positioned or had power to spare was spit out the back to ride alone – no PR points or help. Sorry. Thanks Sam. Masterfully played.

Liverpool was in sight up the road, and the Super Group, Ginger Baker’s Air Force (yes, we’re using that joke again, cuz it’s a great joke, suck it), was in sight of Chelsea who took their minimum 2 riders (Danny/Ryan) and immediately dropped their team.

Super Group, Blizzard of Oz, worked together fairly well, at least when Sam wasn’t fucking flying off the front for no reason and then sitting up like “whut?”, or when Herb wasn’t yelling at Jeremy Jazzy n’ Talus Jazzy (no relation) for not knowing how to ride a rotating paceline. First rule of rotating pacelines, don’t expect the dudes on mountain bikes to know how to rotating paceline. 2nd Rule of rotating pacelines, mountain bikes spin out at 28mph. 3rd rule of Rotating pacelines, if herb isn’t yelling at you, you’re not trying hard enough.

Super Group The Mortal Coil caught Liverpool and became Super Group Mike & The Mechanics and that shit went on pretty steady for awhile… kind of working well, acceleration, sam fucks it up, it slows down, kind of gets its shit together again, sam fucks it up, herb yells at someone… repeat; but generally it went fast enough…

Until the Falsest of Flats. It was clear that Chelsea wasn’t going to catch Super Group Pigface and the leading teams started looking around for a winner. There were a couple of attacks, but nothing stuck long. Al went to the front and started soft pedaling for some unknown, insane reason (it was later revealed his KOM on FoF was in jeapordy, so he held it up instead of going for it, cuz he’s a lazy slob).

Jeff AC attacked off the top of Zeeb (which is such a good spot FYI) and looked like he might make it stick, but NO SPIT NO QUIT STEPHEN WAS BACK!!!!! We missed him. If he wasn’t quitting and spitting all season maybe Liverpool wouldn’t be in such a shit spot. Anyway, Stephen found his swallow again and single-handedly closed the gap to Jeff AC. At least he’d be blown for the sprint right.

You’re WRONG. Stephen sprinted from the 2 spot and stayed in front of Sean, Adam and Al coming from way back but not with enough to make it around Stephen. [chanted] No Quit! No Spit! No Quit! No Spit!

So Liverpool takes the bonus points, spoiling the day for Hoff and Young Boys, and handing a gift to Chelsea right? WRONG! Nachoride is too mysterious and unpredictable like a romantic dinner with Javier Bardem in a slowly flooding cave that smells of lavender.

Apparently this was the fastest Nacho on record with a new KOM set for the Sean Geary Memorial Gentlmen’s Race, and every other segment (except the Falsest of Flats, way to go Al). Krank Jazz ended up with the KOM but we’ll give that a full-GPS-fart side-eye for at least a week, and the PR points went crazy and the final ended up going down to a tiebreaker.

Young Boys take it with 63 points and 2 wins to Chelsea’s 63 points and 1 win. Man City in 3rd with 62, and Hoff in 4th with 61. So the top 4 teams, all within 2 points. If you’re keeping track, “top 4” in this case means “everyone except Liverpool,” whose score shall not be spoken.

Hoffenheim takes the Zabel (4) and the Team GC with strong early performances (and Danny’s missing a week) which is also how Al managed to grab the Cheese jersey.

Michel edged out Herb for the Jalapeño, (most bonus).

Krank Jazz takes the GC by one and three seconds over Sean and Glen respectively (but, GPS SIDE EYE REMEMBER).

That was pretty fun. Thanks everyone!!!

FULL RESULTS AND STANDINGS

 

Aug 23rd: NCL Week 3

NCL Week 3: Virallinen Musiikkivideo

Wow. Really, really sorry about that video. We’re really not sure what’s going on there, or how to follow it… much like the hott fakkinnen raccinniinnggeo that took place at NCL week 3.

Once again it was tough to get the teams together. We really need a better system. It was easier to get teams together for kickball in the first grade. Probably because everyone was smarter. Either way, we made it out of nature cut before dark and almost half of the 35+ crowd knew which team they were on and what was going on. We’ll call that a success.

Game this week was a new one gaps which is basically Nacho Classique with bonus points for having a gap over the main field. It was designed to encourage attacks, which may have worked, or it was just an attacking sort of day – there was much attacking, and some drifting.

The Fletcher segment opened up with a few dudes drifting off the front here and there, but generally stayed together until the wind up for the prime. With slight tailwind, speeds were high, Al ramped it up early to stretch the group out, and just about everyone went for the prime. Danny took it at Fletcher for Chelsea and it started to look like another big day of points.

Into the Parker section, Sam attacked through the stop sign which is frowned upon by everyone, including Jesus, and the baby Jesus, and Baby Lil’ Jesus, whose 2nd album “Sam, don’t fucking do that” was #3 on the southern hip-hop fake-songs about fake racing chart. It didn’t matter though, as everyone was antsy and he was pulled in quickly. New Guy Joel didn’t know any better and pulled really hard up the first little rise (thanks dude!) with Al on 2nd wheel… who, having ridden Waters close to one billion times, came around and put a little gap on the field over the top (y’all sit up in the same place every week). The bunch let him dangle out front for the entire section – almost bringing him back a couple of times only to let the gap go out again. Three separate bros would later tell him, “I pulled you back, but then didn’t want to do all the work and no one else came around so the gap went back out.” That totally sounds true. Through the last roller set Sam attacked the bunch and was able to make contact with Al just before the Parker prime, but didn’t have enough to come around.

The Zeeb section started with a little flurry as the front group thought they might have a little gap, but it closed up quickly. Jeff AC, Duncan & a couple of others ended up with a little group off the front, but couldn’t get organized. THAT WAS THE MOVE DUDES but it was heavy on rookies and it came back to the bunch pretty quickly. Then, everything went slow. Real slow. The falsest of flats started out with a whole bunch of soft-pedaling on freshly graded roads. A couple of dudes were out with flats, including Al, so things were looking rough for Hoffenheim. Danny was secretly nursing a slow-leak too, but had enough to come around and split the Zeeb prime with Duncan who, without Stephen, was trying to drag Liverpool out of last place single handed.

Still no gaps going into the final, despite the game being called gaps. Rich made a move and Sam went with him. The rest of you fucking fail. You have 2k to go and you let Sam go with Rich? You know Rich is going to do all the work and not contest the sprint. You know Sam is the only guy who will never shut up about “winning” Nachoride. You know nobody wants to hear that shit for the next seventeen years. Maybe you just didn’t want to hear about Waterford anymore?

Anyway, Rich let Sam take the final, the bonus, and the 4 points of gap-bonus for Young Boys who ended up 2nd on the day to Chelsea, but taking in the points-win at 24, which brought them up to a tie for 2nd with Hoffenheim in league standings who have been coasting since their big first week.

Full Results & Standings

Going into the Team Pursuit in week 4 standings have Chelsea way out in front, Young Boys, Hoffenheim & Man City all bunched up in the middle and Liverpool… well… Liverpool will get a big head start.

Total Points
Chelsea 55
Hoffenheim 38
Young Boys 38
Man City 35
Liverpool 21

Hoffenheim has a grip on the GC and the Zabel Locked. Al has locked the Cheese, and Dave Krank Jazz leads Rich & Sean by a hair in the individual GC.

Gaps for Week 4: (2 seconds/point)

  1. Liverpool 0:00
  2. Man City 0:28
  3. Young Boys 0:34
  4. Hoffenheim 0:34
  5. Chelsea 1:08

Will Man City, Young Boys & Hoffenheim work together to fuck over Chelsea? We can only hope…. Hoff & YB need 17 points to overtake Chelsea… a win and the bonus could do it… but they have to work together first to keep Chelsea off the board. If Chelsea catches them… it’s over.

Aug 16th: NCL Week 2

NCL Week 2: Kurt doesn’t like fun.

Chelsea sets a record for single-week scoring, while Young Boys, well, set a record of their own by not scoring a single point. Not even one. Despite having one of the stronger crews, with a full compliment of Team Jazzy Tree, inexperience and possibly being distracted by trying to poach KOMs early in the ride, led them to post a zero.

1s & 3s is an interesting game; you have to keep as many people in the front group as possible, but Primes are extremely valuable and changed everything last week so getting some guys off the front is a good idea. With 35+ on the ride this week, and a moderate cross-headwind, it would be a slower day on waters so PR points would be minimal. With tons of new people again, it took about five minutes to split up teams, which Kurt felt was totally ridiculous because he doesn’t care, and doesn’t want to be on a team. Since Nachori.de is mandatory he has to come and stand there anyway – so we’re really sorry.

Chelsea got a Old Country Buffet of Alternates this week with Duncan arriving from Oregon and pretending like he hadn’t been previewing the Nacho Course and going after local KOMs for like a month already (we see you, Duncan from Oregon, We SEE YOU). Okay, well, now we see you… we didn’t before, but now we do. Chelsea also picked up Michel who would post up the only big PRs of the night and with the return of Danny they had someone who would sit in the whole time and focus on the win and the win alone.

Fletcher opened up slowly, Stephen did the bulk of the work with a couple of digs on the front; Al & Jeff AC helped a little, but not much. Al tested the gutter a bit, but the cross wind wasn’t quite strong enough to make a big difference. The Fletcher sprint opened up early; it looked like the return of “Gimme dem Primes” Stephen was going to go as predicted… but Danny came from the back with good speed and cannonballed the field.

Sean drifted off the front for Man City into the Parker section. No one wanted to go so Al & Brad drifted off the front and joined him for a short stint off the front. Danny was having none of that and closed the gap down quickly. At this point, Thaddeus Blumpfeck came barreling through the field in a white Datsun which raised a couple of questions: First, who the hell passes Nachoride? Second, where does one even find a Datsun North of 1984 or after Mexico? Just as the group was coming back together, there was some tractor-dodging before the rollers. Lately, everyone has been doing fuck-all through these rollers. People get antsy about the Parker Prime, and the (old) tendency for selection to be made there, and the last bunch of rides have made it through with colono compatto, or something. Sean & Jeff AC attacked off the top of the second set to get a gap going into the prime. Stephen jumped to close the gap off the top of the roller with everyone in tow. With a teammate off the front, Al was able to sit in and time it right to take the prime without much effort – except that “I’m gonna take a prime on my first nacho dammit” Duncan was right there the whole time.

Still 25+ strong to start the Zeeb section, it would again be up to the Falsest of Flats to break up the group. Jeff AC & Duncan attacked and were able to establish a small gap. The group wanted to let them dangle; Chelsea & Hoffenheim had the most people still in the bunch, and were represented in the break. It might have been the right combo. David B actually took a long, hard pull on the front which was straight-weird. They dangled off about 20 meters half way up the falsest of flats when Duncan was able to get a gap on Jeff AC before the Zeeb prime. There wasn’t enough time for anyone to come out of the group and “Nobody Expects the Oregon Inquisition” Duncan nabbed a prime on his first Nacho.

But he had no idea where he was, so he had to let the group come back to start the Wagner section. There were some tired legs, but the group was still big. Jeff Colombia, Christina, Kevin, Jazzy Dave were all mixing it up in the front group after great rides. Then Frank attacked at Frank’s Attack Spot. Everyone sighed and said, “typical Frank” and a laugh track rolled. Then Joey came in and said, “How you doin’?” to Rachel. It was hilarious. One of these times, Frank is gonna make that stick though and we’ll see who’s laughing. Frank. That’s who will be laughing. Captain Ron V lead out the sprint, and executed the proper sit-up (read: he stayed put, no weaving, great!) but … unfortunately all of Hoffenheim had lined up directly behind him and was totally boxed in. The sprint opened up on the right side of the road with Danny, Stephen, Duncan & Sean in contention. Danny & Sean held hands across the line, and even executed some sort of secret-handshake after the line. They suggested splitting the bonus points for the win, instead, it was given to the fastest SGMGR time – which was Danny.

FULL RESULTS AND STANDINGS AFTER WEEK 2

Chelsea with the motherload of PR points, Bonus points, Primes and the win on the day racked up way, way, too many points. Mostly due to keeping it interesting, the decision was made to not count PR points on your first Nachori.de. (ie. you can’t go slow-roll waters and then show up on Nacho and rack up 4 points). Chelsea still had Michel though who was on his 2nd nacho, and apparently was soft-pedaling the shit out of his first one because he got a full compliment of PR points. So Chelsea rockets into first by 10 points with Hoffenhiem holding onto 2nd by one point over Man City who despite not getting and Primes was as able to manage 2nd on the day with a strong finish from Slieny. Young Boys totally shit the bed, we’ve been over this, while Liverpool scrapes a few points out but the NPL champion is still struggling in last place in the league.

Chelsea 35
Hoffenheim 27
Man City 26
Young Boys 14
Liverpool 7

WHICH MEANS: Alternates will be divided up moving forward and Liverpool gets Duncan to balance these teams out a bit (see spreadsheet to see where you ended up).

Lots of folks with 4 points for the Jalapeno jersey, Al holds on to the Cheese for one more and Glen is still out front in the individual GC. Hoffenhiem has the Zabel and the GC for one more week.

Oh and the dude at 110 Burrwood dr. complained so much to the city that they installed no parking signs in front of his house on Monday. Instead of warning people who had been parking there for months that there were new No Parking signs, he just hid in his bushes and called the police. That’s cool.

Aug 9th: NCL Week 1 UPDATED

NCL Week #1: How are there Still Nasty Newb$?

UPDATED CUZ OOPS

Around 30 rolled out for Nacho Champions League week one, somehow, despite lacking the Kanton Kittens, Double D, Stephen Pain and a ton of other regulars. New folks, including a bunch of dudes from Team Jazzy Trees and not one, but two Sic Transit Michaels. Everyone was jazzy. How are there still new folks who haven’t done Nachori.de yet? How have you not done Nachori.de yet? GET ON IT.

Nachori.de would like to formally apologize for the brief, slight, acceleration prior to Waters. Glen, as is his wont, decided to attempt to poach a KOM mid slow-section. This is generally frowned upon. Glen went early from the back of the group after the segment started, as everyone else just enjoyed innocently chatting, ensuring that even should someone go with him – KOM CITY USA. Unless, unless you get handled. Which is what happened. As they say, if you’re going to pull your dick out, you better suck it… or something like that.

NCL Week one got off to a little rocky start as the Champions League teams had to be reorganized on Nature Cut since everyone was newbz/jazzy. Eventually Al messed the whole thing up didn’t give Chelsea any riders, so everyone pulled together and fixed it, and made pretty balanced teams. So those riders have been added to permanent places on those teams.

With a slight tailwind and a big, balanced group, this week ended up being one of the fastest Nachos of the season. There were much PRs and the two new teams brought in for Champions League showed that consistency and balance win the day.

Fletcher opened up early with Hoffenheim trying to make it at least hard from the gun. It seemed like there were seven teams going for the prime at Fletcher as there were so-many-dudes. There may have even been some tactics playing out; who knows. In all the confusion, Glen managed to stay out front for the prime, JEREMY WON THIS CUZ GLEN WENT TOO EARLY sitting up early uncontested. It was like everyone was sprinting like crazy to be the first to sit up.

The Parker segment opened up quickly. Sic Transit Michael #1 pulled through very hard into the first roller, prompting some folks to say, “where did that come from… doesn’t he know that no one likes to work?” He discovered that when wildly flicking his elbow on deaf ears. Now tired, the group rolled slow up the Loosest of Gooses, so going into the stair-step roller Al went super early for the Parker Prime. Glen came with him, because Glen Loves Primes, but never came around. Who knows. Maybe he doesn’t love them primes enough?

Everything came back together going into the Zeeb section. Sic Transit Michael #1 took a couple more solid pulls (seriously, doesn’t he know how lazy we are?) and the group was robust but Hoffenheim  was the only team that still had all five riders in the mix. Then, Jeff AC and Matt D went on the attack; they floated out front for awhile, through the pavement, up the little rise and into the falsest of flats. They were dangling out there long enough so Sean and Rich took a couple of digs to get Man City up to the break. The bunch came with them though, and the second the catch was made Al counter attacked for Hoffenheim, taking the Zeeb prime, and opening a small gap going into the final section.

The group came together into the Wagner section, with Al still dangling off the front a few hundred meters. It was a futile effort, Sean pulled him back in, doing all the work, no one else did any work, it was just Sean (as reported by Sean). The catch was made at speed, with about 800 meters to go. It looked like Captain Ron V. for Hoffenheim was going to play this perfectly. Glen was going way too early as usual with Ron V. tucked right in snuggggggglie on his wheel. Sic Transit Michael #1 was in good position, with Rich, PotoKing sitting in the draft as well. Then… Ron sat up, Sic Transit Michael #1 didn’t know where the finish was, Rich and PotoKing give exactly zero fucks… so, Glen? Yeah Glen. Way to go dude.

So Champions League opens up with the two bottom teams from NPL coming out on top through consistency (and Glen’s 5 bonus points for the win). Chelsea really sucked it up in the game but is rolling in PR points from Wendy & Kevin. Brad scored some PRs for Hoffenheim and JZ came through with a fast ride for Man City. It’s all tied up at the top with Liverpool lagging in the rear.

UPDATED: Due to a malfunction in our highly sophisticated timing system, JZ actually won that first prime, not Glen… which might have been just a two point swing… BUT the prime was the difference between Man City jumping over Young Boys on the day so… with a four point swing MAN CITY is in 2nd with Young Boys dropping to 3rd. HIGH DRAMA AMIRIGHT?

FULL RESULTS AND STANDINGS

Next week: Chelsea lags by 3 points, will the return of Captain Danny change things? With his performance in NPL, Sean is leading his own team for the first time; 1 & 3 is a tactical game – will Sean be a leader for his team? Young Boys currently has the tie breaker over Hoffenheim, they’ll be watching each other closely. Hoffenheim out front with Man City, Young Boys and Chelsea all bunched up in the middle. The re-scoring didn’t help Liverpool. Nothing can help liverpool.

Standings Week 1
Hoffenheim 18
Man City 15
Young Boys 14
Chelsea 11
Liverpool 4

Nacho Champions League

It looks like a generally positive response to the NPL, with one dissenting “fuck off” coming from Washington so, you know, Huy. You think we can’t look up an IP address? Listen, Huy, just because the gravel fields are so weak in Washington that you can cruise to a bunch of wins doesn’t mean you have to shit on NPL.

NCL TEAMS: The big Premiere League teams are back mostly in tact with a few transfers here and there; but watch out for Hoffenheim and Young Boys which enter for the Champions League with strong unsigned riders from the NPL.

Liverpool

  • Stephen (C)
  • Old Jay (A)
  • Lucas
  • Jeff Columbia
  • Brian
  • Craig
  • Khao

Man City

  • Sean (C)
  • Rich (A)
  • Frank
  • Sliney
  • PotoKing
  • Doug B
  • Cameron

Chelsea

  • Danny (C)
  • Seth (A)
  • Matt D
  • Mongo John
  • Andrew
  • The Furey
  • David B

Hoffenheim

  • Ron V (C)
  • Al (A)
  • Jeff AC
  • ZMan
  • John B
  • Steve P
  • Brad (IR)

Young Boys

  • Glen (C)
  • Sam (A)
  • Troy
  • Adam J
  • Wham Wham
  • Craig
  • Dr. John

Scoring

  • League points are separate from game points. Some things (primes) matter for weekly game points and league points.
  • There is only one league, the Champions League.
  • Game points have been increased to balance out PR points a little better.
  • Overall Wagner Win bonus greatly increased because this is fake racing.
Game Champions League
1st 12
2nd 8
3rd 6
Primes 2
PR Fletcher 1
PR Parker 1
PR Zeeb 1
PR SGMGR 1
Wagner Win 5
Best of the Rest 1
Not Last 1  

Team Classifications

  • Total Points
  • Most Weeks in Premiere League
  • The Zabel
  • GC (lowest average time for all riders, all runs of the SGMGR segment)

Individual Classifications

  • Beef: Overall lowest average SGMGR segment
  • Jalapeño: Most PR points
  • Cheese: Most Primes

GAMES:

  • August 9th: Classique  (score = place, minus primes, lowest wins)
  • August 16th: 1 & 3 (first and third rider count, minus primes)
  • August 23rd: Gaps top ten reverse place order (10, 9, 8…) Plus 1 pt. per second over next rider from other team. plus primes.
  • August 30th: Team Pursuit

August 2nd: NPL Finale

NPL Finale: Man City Chokes on a big, hard nacho

With Old Jay gone for the finale, he left the season-long powerhouse of Man City in Sean’s hands. Though their gap had dwindled to two over Liverpool, the Team Pursuit stage had fewer points on the table so they didn’t even have to beat Liverpool to win the NPL… they just couldn’t come in last pla…. OH SHIT! FUMBLE! FOOTBALL TALK! THEY BLEW IT!

Team Pursuit is tricky. You need to finish two people. Slowest teams go off first. Faster teams in the back can combine forces to go very, very fast. PR points are on the table if you keep your slower guys in the bunch, but then you sacrifice your overall time and possibility for the win on the day. What do you do?

Man U went off first with a 50 second gap, because they really, really sucked it up this season. They lost a bunch of riders early and Al & Cole would do their best to hang on to the finish. They were able to stay away for the win on the day, and let’s just go ahead and give Cole the Ride of the Week right now because Al tortured the shit out of him with many, many lies “only 500 more meters,” “there’s a little rest after this rise,” “you’re doing great.” Cole put up a great performance and nabbed the bonus points for the overall on the final day for an EFL team… a permanent EFL team. Really, Man U was never in the Premiere league.

On the other end of the race, you know, the end that matters, Sean had picked up some solid alternates in Jeff AC & Adam for the week and things looked bad for Liverpool. Man City caught Liverpool almost immediately and they worked together to reel in Chelsea, Arsenal, and the rest of Man U in quick succession. The bunch ripped up the Falsest of Flats with some of the newer riders plopping into the top 10 on Strava. With the whole group together, it looked like there was no way for Liverpool to make up the 2 points on Man City.

Then Sean fucking blew it. Liverpool was committed. Nuck Tats skipped the Waterford World Championships of Sitting in Traffic to make the NPL finale, Stephen went full-cippo and scooped up best of the rest giving Liverpool the top Premiere League spot. All Sean had to do was get two guys in the group above Chelsea… then Doug broke his deraileur… they spent Adam & Sliney on earlier pulls to catch Liverpool. Jeff AC pulled his weight and snuck in right where he needed to be and then Sean, baby-boy, “had a flat in the sprint.” Everyone thought that was weird since having a “flat in the sprint” isn’t a thing. Sean will probably protest and say “no really! ask Cole! He helped me fix it! I had a flat!” and we’ll all say, “Sure sean. Sure. Right buddy. A flat in the sprint. That’s totally a thing,” but we’ll be rolling our eyes so hard because it’s not a thing and everyone knows it.

Man City loses the NPL on the last day, in the last few meters because of a “flat in the sprint.” High drama am I right!?

RESULTS AND STANDINGS

  1. Liverpool 55
  2. Man City 54
  3. Chelsea 45
  4. Arsenal 36
  5. Man U 31
  • ZABEL: Liverpool
  • GC: Man City (26:01)
  • Jalapeño: Jeff AC (10)
  • Cheese: Danny (3)
  • Beef: Sean (25:16:45)

Prizes in a week or two at HOMES. They’re gonna blow your dong off.

Did you like NPL? TAKE A DAMN SURVEY.

 

 

July 26th: NPL Week 3

NPL Week 3: Legends and Lots o’ dudes

Sorry it took so long for the write-up to post; with 40+ dudes rolling out of HOMES it took for fucking ever to score this thing. The butts factory must have been closed, cuz all you idiots wanted to eat nachos… instead of butts. Get it? Everyone is usually at the butts factory… because they eat butts on most Wednesdays. There’s also a factory that makes butts… for eating.

There’s an old saying, “the peloton that is the hugest, stayeth to-fucking-gether no matter what.” Apparently the number needed for the Nachoride draft to be unbreakable is anything over 30. With Full teams of 5 plus at least an extra alternate on every team, and some with 7 riders, it was… well, fucking awesome.

Designated Sprinters was the game with Danny (Chelsea), Andy (Man U), Cole (Arsenal), Sean (Man City) & Stephen for Liverpool vying for primes, but ineligible for the overall.

It was Gruppo Compatto coming into the Fletcher Prime; it stretched out a little as Danny came around for the two points. There was a little bullshit coming through into the Parker section, but everything came back together. Like EVERYTHING. Into the rollers a few hard pulls were taken, by a few hard men, like… I think they were erect, not that they’re tough… but no matter, even the Parker rollers couldn’t split the group. Danny went a little early for the prime and Sean was able to steal one for Man City.

Into the Zeeb section, everyone was looking forward to the Falsest of Flats. Al drifted back in the group to grab a head count, but he couldn’t… ‘cuz there were so many fucking people still there. With only 8 spots available for points, and the bottom 8 losing points… no one wanted to leave it up to the jury in a downhill sprint so much watts were spent on the Falsest of Flats… which of course is exactly what Danny wanted to grab the Zeeb Prime… but, whatever.

The final section, the group was finally busted up by the efforts on the Falsest of Flats… hahaha…. yeah right. Nope. Everything was all together still. It was a giant group into the final. Who still had legs? Who was just barely hanging on? Who Knows! With Danny, Sean & Stephen sitting up and out of it as designated sprinters, the sign at wagner was up for grabs. With still more than 8 in the group, not everyone would get points. Al went early, to guarantee a spot in the 8 and string it out. ZMan still had the legs, and came around to take the bonus point… but he went for the decoy construction sign… like an idiot. Al took the easy win and the two bonus points. WAIT WHUT 2? I THOUGHT IT WAS 1 ?! … Man U is in the EFL (permanently) so a win is worth 2. Don’t worry though, nothing can save Man U. They suck ass.

FULL RESULTS AND STANDINGS

Going into the pursuit in the final week, Man U is going to have a huge head start as they really shit the bed… but still in the EFL, they can only get bullshit points anyway. Man City holds a tiny lead over Liverpool in the overall so those two will duke it out. With primes offline for the pursuit, this one is going to come down to PR bonus points. Will Man City go for the game points or keep everyone together and go for maximum PRs for their domestiques? Strategies! Intrigue!

Arsenal is only 4 seconds back in the GC, and with different start times it will just take pure watts to make the gap. Keeping everyone together and the speed high will help.

Man U really doesn’t have much to ride for. Al is 4 seconds back on Sean for the Beef Jersey, Danny has the Cheese locked up with no more prime points available, and there’s a cluster of All of the Jeffs, Cole and John B atop the Jalapeno – it could go any way, but it’s gonna be spicybutthole.

Since MAN U sucked so bad, seconds-per-point were reduced to 5 (instead of 10) so Starting Gaps for Tomorrow:

  1. MAN U: 0:00
  2. ARSENAL: 0:50
  3. CHELSEA: 1:20
  4. LIVERPOOL: 2:00
  5. MAN CITY: 2:10

 

July 20th: NPL Week 2 – Cyclists Don’t Math

NPL Week 2: Man, Man U really sucks.

The crowd this week looked thin after last week’s rain-out-that-didn’t-actually-rain. What? I know. Michigan weather this summer has been like, well, like Michigan weather has always been. Fucking Bananas. Anyway, with minutes to spare, the parking lot at HOMES filled up with dudes in tights. A few of the usual suspects were missing, but a fresh wave of alternates and first-timers put in some great rides.

With one week of NPL behind us, everyone had points on their minds. Which means everyone was super confused the whole time. Which means Waters started out really slow. Andy pedaled off the front for Man U and was joined by Jeff AC (Arsenal), Sean (Man City) and Glen (Liverpool). They sat about 30 meters off the front of the bunch, but no one in the bunch wanted to get them. So they drifted more. Chelsea was the only team left out of the break, and that’s Danny, so no one, there was no one who would chase. Glen grabbed the Prime at Fletcher.

At one point the break looked confused. Like they didn’t want to stay off the front; but the bunch didn’t want them back. Everyone felt like they were well represented (except Danny).

Approaching the first roller, Al and Stephen were chatting. “You know, Danny is the only one who doesn’t have anyone up the road… he’s got to either drag it back or he’s going to attack on this roll….” and Danny attacked. Al and Stephen shut the hell up and chased. Stephen made the jump but gave up a few second too early, like an idiot. This left Al and Danny in no-man’s-land between the break and the bunch. Just before Parker they got a little too close to the break, and neither Al nor Danny wanted to actually catch the break so they let it go off. Glen went to early for the Prime and Sean grabbed it at Parker.

Into the Zeeb section Al and Danny were not able to shake each other so they drifted back into the group. Cole was just sitting on the front soft pedaling trying to keep the break off the front, which was just dangling around 20 seconds gap. Danny sat in the group for a few seconds and then attacked again. Al and Stephen went with him and, well, Stephen gave up again. Three more pedal strokes dude. Three more. Maybe five. No more than ten.

Al and Danny, alone again, in the middle. They tried to drop each other a couple of times on the falsest of the flats, but also didn’t want to catch the break. It was weird. Glen grabbed the Zeeb Prime on top of the falsest of flats and the break stayed away for one more section.

Jeff AC was in the break, and seeing Danny and Al close behind (and not knowing that they were awkwardly trying to float between the bunch and the break) he took it upon himself to drag the break home. All frolicking bullshit was set aside and Jeff just pulled everyone in. Sean and Glen went for the final sprint at Wagner with Sean taking the overall, the bonus point, and the lead in the Beef Jersey WAIT WHAT yeah there was a ton of shit going on here, and it made for some fun, heady racing.

Stephen took the bonus point for best of the rest, Brian slotted in not-last.

Full Results

Standings

Man City wins the day, and 6 points, again with the prime putting them out of a three-way tie with the two EFL teams, Arsenal & Man U (Arsenal gets the tie-breaker with the higher top position).

With Cole’s four (that’s it, that’s all of ’em) PR points Man City sits on top of the points for the week as well. Followed by Liverpool, Arsenal and Chelsea, also heavy on the PR points and then… well, Man U… what are we gonna do with Man U. So yeah, Next week Man U will stay in the EFL for a second week and is way, way behind on points. Perhaps they’re just going for a serious head start in week four’s pursuit? It’s a terrible strategy. Chelsea will join them in the EFL next week while Arsenal joins the Premiere League.

There’s a tie for the Jalapeño Jersey between Cole & Jeff Columbia who both swept the PRs this week. Glen takes a 1 point lead in the Cheese and Sean, that crafty motherfucker, put 10 seconds on everyone in the Beef Jersey competition by hanging in that breakaway.

Man City & Liverpool have the most balanced teams, and it shows. They have a healthy advantage on the rest of the teams in overall points. Liverpool opens up a lead in The Zabel with prime points and Man City opened a small lead in the team GC… which is the only thing Man U isn’t last place in…. but, you know, just barely. Just. Fucking. Barely.

NPL PREVIEW: Week 2

The most important bike race in July is heading into the 2nd week, and you’re just dying to hear about the drama, the storylines, the ultra-important factors that will go into fake racing this week.

Here’s what to look for:

Man City: A healthy lead in league standings, with big scoring from Frank (+7), Sean (+8) and WhamWham with a staggering +9. With a lot of those points coming from PRs, which get progressively harder to come by, it remains to be seen whether Man City can pull out another big day of points. They’re also looking for about a second in the team GC competition.

Liverpool: A surprise 2nd place with the strong showing from Semileth on the Tandem, who wont be back this week. Will the return of Glen from the U.P. be enough to keep them in the Premiere league for a 2nd week? Will David B. return from Europe?

Chelsea: Barely in the Premiere league by just two points over Man U & Arsenal, Chelsea has a lot of question marks in week 2. Will PotoKing make a return? Will MongoJohn complete his first Nachoride without a flat tire? Look for Danny to go after primes in the hunt for the Zabel.

Arsenal: With Matt D. out resting for an Iron Man, and Harvey is a fucking mystery, Craig & Dr. John will have to actually have to start on time if Arsenal wants a chance of getting out of the EFL this week. Sam will have extra motivation at Wagner as a first overall by an EFL team is worth 2 bonus points.

Man U: With the likely return of Andy, Man U was looking to make a comeback but Brad is out on the IR for the rest of the season with a broken angel wing. Cute, yes, but it doesn’t do Man U any good in the standings. The rest of the roster has yet to show up so they’ll likely rely on Alternates again this week.

Wind: likely a solid tailwind will negate a lot of the draft. That will tilt the advantage towards the stronger legs for the overall, but the smart riders will be going after those big PR points.

GET ON A TEAM: if you wanna fake-race and don’t want to be an alternate shoot an email to bungsnugglehips@nachori.de and we’ll put you on a team.