NPL: Week 1

Nacho Premiere League: Week 1 – Man City Destroys, Man U Busted

Since America had a birthday on Tuesday, Wednesday was a little light. Only 17 riders for the first week of NPL. Man United & Liverpool were rolling with two riders each, well, 2.5 if you count the tandem as 1.5, or 3 for Liverpool if you count the tandem as 2. Related: Seth & Emily were on a tandem celebrating their 15th anniversary. What else are you gonna do on your anniversary?

Pre-Waters was fairly uneventful. Nothing serious happened. There was absolutely no brad-going-full-send on Nature Cut resulting in a busted body. Does that sound overly specific? Unrelated: Man U’s two-rider roster was reduced to one when Brad went full-send on Nature Cut resulting in a busted body. Things weren’t looking good for Man U. Also, and this will really surprise you, Sam was somehow involved.

With Brad down, Cole hanging back to make sure he didn’t die, Man U recruited Khao & Leo as alternates to fill out a 3 rider team. At this point, Craig, Cameron & Dr. John just took off claiming something about the Kennedy assassination, or sputnik, or some other grannie shit. This really helped our already complicated scoring system that matters.

Just before Waters, Seth & Emily… Semily… Semileth… Emileth, rolled off the front for a head start. Although technically pre-waters, we’re letting it go because it wasn’t an attack by any means, and they were celebrating their 15th anniversary. What else are you gonna do on your anniversary? Despite some solid pulls, the Emileth stayed off the front and gobbled up the Fletcher Prime.

Al took the opportunity to roll the pace up a bit, and caused the first split in the group. Man City marked it well and kept a full compliment of riders in the front group, riding conservatively. Sam attacked a few times for Arsenal, but Man U would steadily reel him back in. On the final set of rollers, Man U was straight sick of doing all the work and decided to let Chelsea take a pull. Yeah right. Chelsea did fucking nothing, and Sam stayed away for the Parker prime. See what it gets you? See.

Frank took a big pull for Man City to start off the Zeeb section, and pulled in Sam. After a short break, Frank threw a curve ball and attacked before the Falsest of flats and, now this is crazy, Sam chased him. The bunch was straight sick of the attacking. Man City & Arsenal were represented in the break, Chelsea and Liverpool weren’t gonna do shit… ever… so the chase was left to Man U.. aka Al, to pull up the Falsest of Flats. Al let Sam dangle a bit so he wouldn’t keep attacking and pulled back until… Danny attacked at the top of the Falsest of Flats, came around Sam and took the Prime. See how that’s different from every other fucking time? See? It’s 100% different.

Into the final section to Wager there was a good group with every team represented. Man City was the powerhouse with Jay, Frank, Sean & WhamWham, Arsenal had two riders in Matt & Sam, Danny was there for Chelsea, Al for Man U, Stephen for Liverpool. Al kept the gas on for the first rise, and opened a little gap. Jay came around for a pull and Al was going to let Danny through but, you know, Danny don’t do shit so Jay opened a gap, on accident, because Danny. That let the rest of the group catch up and Jay was off the front. Al pulled steady until putting in a faux-dig to get someone to come around. Frank bit and came through fast, that pulled Jay in and the group was together. The final sprint opened up with a full compliment – Jay sat up with the (correct) idea that “it’s just not worth it, it’s just, not, worth it.” WhamWham looked like he might stage the upset for Man City but Danny came through with the “see, I never do any work ever, ever” sprint proving that patience wins the race, but karma is a rat testicle (foreshadowing league results!).

Results on a fuckin’ spreadsheet!? What?

Standings after one week

Man City takes the day and a commanding lead in league points, with WhamWham, Frank & Sean racking up massive PR points. Liverpool & Chelsea round out the day, and the current league standings.

Arsenal leads the GC by a second over Man City, and Al has the Beef Jersey by 3 seconds. WhamWham took 3 PRs and the Jalapeno Jersey. The rest are all knotted up.

Next week Man City, Chelsea, & Liverpool complete in the Premiere league while Man U & Arsenal vie for promotion from the EFL.

NOTES: Craig, Cameron & Dr. John were all given the last place time & points (15) for the game. The points were calculated in the game scoring (if in the top 3 for their team) but the times were not included in the GC average calculation. Seemed like a good compromise.

Ride of the Night: Sam … for making it through a NachoRide without doing something dumb. Has he just lowered the bar so far that this is what passes for a ride of the night? No, we at NachoRide believe in positive reinforcement for positive behavior. Or neutral behavior in this case.


In July NachoRide will do something unprecedented and fully against the spirit and soul of NachoRide, but then, the spirit and soul of NachoRide is having no spirit, no soul so … well, this is spot on.

The four NachoRides in July (5, 12, 19, 26) will be structured such as the Premiere League, have persistent teams, and really, really complicated scoring. It’s laid out in this post, along with your teams, how they were made, etc. Ideally, this keeps everyone important in fake racing, and everyone working hard and getting a fun, good workout. If you strategize with your team, it will probably be more fun.


  • There are five teams: 3 Premiere League, 2 English Football League
  • Each week, one team will be relegated and one promoted
  • The first week everyone is in the Premiere League, the bottom two will be demoted.


  • League points are separate from game points. Some things (primes) matter for weekly game points and league points.
  • Premiere League and EFL teams will be racing together for game points, but separately for league points.
  • There are more points available in the Premiere League
Game Premiere EFL
1st 6 3
2nd 5 1
3rd 2
Primes 1 1
PR Fletcher 1 1
PR Parker 1 1
PR Zeeb 1 1
Wagner Win 1 2
Best of the Rest 1 1
Not Last 1 1

Team Classification Awards

  • Total Points
  • Most Weeks in Premiere League
  • The Zabel (Most Team Primes)
  • GC (lowest average time for all riders, all runs of the SGMGR segment)

    Individual Classification Awards

  • The Jalapeño (Most PR Points)
  • The Cheese (Most Primes)
  • The Beef  (Lowest average Time on SGMGR segment)


    July 5th: Nacho Classique
    Points according to place, minus primes, lowest score wins.

    July 12th: First & Fourth
    Points of the first and fourth rider count, minus primes, lowest score wins

    July 19th: Designated Sprinters

  • Primes are Doubled, only designated sprinter eligible.
  • Plus Two points for each non-sprinter in the  top five.
  • Minus 2 points for each rider in the bottom five.
  • Highest score wins.July 26th: Pursuit
  • Teams start in reverse order of league score from first three weeks with :10 seconds per point.
  • 2nd rider counts, finish order is winner order.


  • Teams were built based on an arbitrary point system based on past contribution to game which wasn’t necessarily totally strength-based.
  • New riders/Alternates will be drafted at the nature cut each week; first pick going to the team with the fewest riders present, then in reverse order of league points.
  • Trades: Sure! Why not. Must be submitted by Noon Wednesday.
    Chelsea Man U Arsenal Man City Liverpool
    Danny Al Sam Jay Stephen
    Rich Andy Matt D Frank Glen
    ZMan Brad Harvey Colin Seth
    PotoKing John B. Ron V. Sean Doug B.
    Mongo John Chris P. B-Bill The Furey David B.
    Brian P. Ethan Craig WhamWham Christina
    Cameron Dylan Dr. John Chris Sliney Greg G.
    Jeff  Steve Poi

June 29th: Return of the Ralph Ride

More than 30 folks rolled out of HOMES this week, even without the Kanton Kittens who were mysteriously missing. Assumptions were made. Specifically, that Nuck Tats forgot to shave ZMan. The group thinned out a bit as roughly thirty miles, no… not miles, fucking minutes, Sean barfed everywhere. Al & Jay stayed back to wipe his mouth as the group rolled on.

Al & Jay were content to roll slow and after Sean took the short-road home text messages were sent, and totally ignored, to start Waters without them. Apparently of the 30 people on exactly zero are capable of making decisions. They even got lost. Lost. On the route that at least 20 people have done every week all summer long, and the other 10 have a computer giving them turn-by-turn directions. Fucking lost. This means that one (wrong) dude confidently (wrongly) said “turn left” and 29 other jerks knew that was wrong and didn’t say anything. Adults. All adults. Every one of them. There literally has never been a toddler on Nachoride.

By the time Al & Jay rolled up to the Nature Cut, they were sure the group was long gone – but no. They were standing around, confused. Al & Jay rolled really slow hoping no one saw them. They had wimped out and decided not to ride hard. They would have no luck. The entire group stopped again at the waters corner, with zero ideas. Like no one had ever done Waters before. Then Sam had ideas. Tons of them. Cole rolled his eyes (rightfully so) and just started riding. Sam was encouraged to follow, and he enthusiastically did. With an eye to just getting on with it, the decision was made to roll Nacho Classique and just ride hard.

With no teams, the pace stayed nice and steady. Andy opened it up first and the group sorted itself out on the Fletcher section. Full acceleration for the Fletcher prime and … whut?… Andy pulled it down. There was much discussion about secret-training.

Rolling into flats of the Parker section it was steady, and the group was still fairly whole. With a solid crosswind, it was easy to sit in. Then the steady crosswind turned into a steady meat-wind. The meat, unfortunately, was still attached to living, bouncing, terrified deer. When the meat-wind jumped over Ron, was enough to form a couple of echelons and the group split. Into the rollers a front group had formed. Danny attacked to bridge up to Sam who was still out on his own, thinking it mattered. The group stayed steady and pulled everyone back by the Parker Prime which Sam sprinted for. Everyone thought that was funny. Al rolled through on the front of the group and mopped that one up uncontested.

On the Zeeb section there were some tired legs. Pulls dropped from 26mph down to 22ish; there was much fucking around and some nerves from the meat-wind. This all led up to a huge surprise on The Falsest of Flats. Al pulled up the section, but then… and this is insane, Danny sprinted around for the Prime and no one else did anything. It was bananas.

Into the final, everyone sat up. This would be the biggest group together for the Wagner sprint all season. Al was really excited about that. Rich wanted no part of it and smartly took a hard pull and then let the children play. Into the final 1k Andy was taking a sacrificial pull on the front when Al started the lead-out about 300 meters too early, like an idiot. He pulled off and Jay came through with Danny on his wheel but left him with a little too far to go. Patience paid off for Glen tonight and he cruised through for the easy tag, probably coasting.


  • Fletcher: Andy
  • Parker: Al
  • Zeeb: Danny

Results (maybe?)

  1. Glen
  2. Danny
  3. Sean
  4. Andy
  5. Jay
  6. Al
  7. Ron
  8. Brad
  9. Matt
  10. Steve
  11. Jim
  12. Kevin
  13. Greg
  14. Furey
  15. Craig
  16. Brian
  17. Cameron
  18. Dr. John
  19. Tim
  20. Khao
  21. Matt

Ride of the Night: Andy has moved from struggling up the Falsest of Flats to hammering primes, taking hard pulls, hanging through some big attacks on the rollers and contesting the sprint at the end in just a few short weeks. Way to go. Great ride.

Honorable Mention: Cole went with Sam to share in his punishment just to be a solid dude. He did a ton of work and still hung on until the bitter end at Wagner.

DQ: Sam – Intentionally KOMing Nature Cut on Nachoride is immediate DQ. Unless he stopped to piss and still got the KOM – why do you think they call it Nature Cut?

Double Secret DQ: Sam – No-handed track stand in a group?! Fuck dude.

JULY STARTS NACHORIDE PREMIERE LEAGUE!!!! (wait what is that? who knows!? It might suck! c’mon!)

June 21st: Nacho Bel Grundie

The NachoRide motto has always been, “go long, or go short and get really drunk.” Since the summer solstice fell on a Wednasty this year, we had the rare opportunity to do both. 100 miles after work? No problem when the sun is up until 10PM. Thanks northern latitudes, what you take in shit winters you give back in midnight sun. Also, literal shit-winters are now a possibility. Thanks climate change.

With the 4PM start and guarantee of pace and pain, we weren’t expecting a big crowd. In fact, we thought about just letting Glen do it by himself for a minute but then a dozen idiots rolled out on what would be the first of many terrible ideas… this week.

The goal this week was simple: do 100 gravel miles before the sun sets. Sub-goal: alive. Sub-sub-goal: no butt-blood*. To get it done, our pace would have to average over 19.5mph including stoppage time so we had to dispense with some traditions, like coddling, cuddling, and your bullshit. There would be no stopping for flats, no holding up for stragglers and of course no scrubs.

The pace was on from the gun. With most of the twelve riders taking solid turns on the front, at the two-hour mark we were a little ahead of schedule. Then we stopped for water. A couple of trickling water fountains take a long time to fill 36 bottles, and 20 minutes later we were, well, 20 minutes behind schedule. Oh, and we were entering the hillier part of the ride, and everyone was getting tired. At mile 50 some guys were crossing into “longest ride of the year” zone (y’all crazy: r’spekt).

When Rich met up with us to add some fresh legs at mile 60 he said, “oh fuck you guys are late.” He was right. It was 8PM when we rolled up the Bethel Church Nature Cut. We had about 40 miles left, 1:45 of daylight, and a lot of miles in the legs. We had lost Scott & Mongo John to flats, and folks were starting to get shy at the front. If you math at all, you know we needed to average 23mph for the duration to make it home by dark.

After crossing 52 on Bethel Church, a mixture of bad math, starvation, and misguided self confidence gave us hope that we could make it happen. We could average 23mph for the last 2 hours when we only went 17mph for the first 4 right? Obviously. Then something wonderful happened, delirious with pain, Sean & Jay saw the Whos down in Whoville and their legs grew three sizes that day. Pulls were taken, the pace was raised. This might just work. Even with no wind, KOMs would fall as we turned away from home one last time to do the traditional Nacho Route. 23, 24, 25…27mph it was relentless. At some point Sam got dropped and the group lamented losing all the work he was doing.

It was so fast, we even had time to stop and discuss public land policy with a yokel who blocked the road with his truck. He was interested in right of way, permitting, and being an uninformed shitwhistle.

Once through the gauntlet of shitty pickups and ignorance we kept the pace steady on waters and rolled into Ann Arbor in time to catch the sunset. It was touch and go for awhile, but all things are possible when you haven’t eaten since lunch and there’s Beef Bowls at HOMES.


CHAMPS: Jeff, Scott, Brian & Steve. These dudes were a few minutes off the back, already 20miles over their longest ride of the year, and facing certain darkness when they got to the first crossing of Waters. They would have to turn away from home to complete the route. Or, they could just keep going at call it 85 miles. NO SHAME in 85 miles of gravel on wednesday… but they didn’t. Fuck no. They turned west and finished that shit.

Ride of the Night: Jay shit dude, those were some massive pulls well into mile 95.


*two out of three ain’t bad.

June 14th: Stephen takes the Mauve Jersey

There was threat of rain, a stiff headwind on Waters, and Nuck Tats had a full-suspension downhill bike. Nachoride promised to be epic this week.

Of course it wasn’t. It was solidly mediocre! But please, relive the lukewarm cycling action by reading about this overly detailed account of adult men caring way to much about utterly inconsequential, but highly dangerous activities.

Waters this week: four, larger teams with one designated sprinter on each team. Only the sprinter was eligible for prime points, which were worth two points instead of one. Sprinters were not eligible for finish points at Wagner, which were 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 for 1st-5th and -5, -4, -3, -2, -1 starting from last place. So everyone has to race the whole time, primes matter, and the format rewards the team who is the most average. You thought couldn’t fucking write on theme?

Z-man opened up quickly after the turn and actually got a gap, until he realized he wasn’t his team’s sprinter. Everyone thought he was going for the long-range solo victory. It probably would have been a good move based on the overall speed of Nacho today but the sack-o-idiots that is the nacho bunch chased him down immediately. Glen (Team Pink Sprinter) went early for the Fletcher prime and looked like he was going to stay until Stephen “I’ve been waiting for this setup for three years” Cain nipped him at the line.

The bunch noticed a couple of the sprinters (Jeremy) went hard for that sprint and tried to separate them on the first of the Parker section. It worked on Jeremy, but not Stephen. A few dudes were shed on the run-up to the rollers, but the group stayed big. Then, on the first of the Parker rollers, Nuck Tats rode his DH rig into a pile of gravel and fell over. We thought about stopping to see if he was okay, but he was rolling around on the grass giggling, so everyone pressed on. Do we need to mention that Stephen “no really, gravel sprints are what I live for” Cain took the Parker prime?

Into the Zeeb section, Sean “Captain Pink” went to the front ant tapped out a solid tempo that strung the group out, but didn’t do fuck-all damage. Nice work though, no resting on the team for that captain, but really, get off the front,  The Falsest of Flats is coming and you’ll shoot yer eye out. The headwind put a damper on Al’s standard pack-thinning tactic and the group came up to the Zeeb prime all together, and Stephen “did I mention I like the Nacho primes?” Cain grabbed it for team Fluo, fucking obviously.

Moving into the final segment Al panicked about getting stuck in a bunch sprint and put in one final dig over the top of the hill and managed to get separation from everyone except Sam who said, “let’s go get nine points,” to which Al responded by saying “eyeroll” out loud while rolling his eyes, just to make it super clear. They would stay clear until the end for 1/2, where Sam would execute his tactic of sprinting in a terrifying manner, which is extremely effective on Al who won’t get anywhere near that shit. The action was behind where there were still three points spots and six riders together. POTOKING lead the sprint out early but nobody is stopping Z-man in a downhill sprint and he took 3rd. Sean “Captain Pink” was holding on for 4th until Brad “you can’t have ride of the night two weeks in a row” came through with an epic final push and took him on the line with Sean in 5th.

Champs: Team Pink (Sean, Chris, POTOKING, Glen, Al, Jeff) with no primes, no win at Wagner but six points and no deductions proved that Nachoride is optimized for mediocrity. Team Brown & Team Fluo were tied for 2nd with two points, each getting considerably more points than Pink, but losing them all because they ditched their teammates and got dinged.


  • Fletcher: Stephen
  • Parker: Stephen
  • Zeeb: Fucking Stephen

Results: (that are on strava… if you’re not on here, upload your damn ride)

  1. Sam
  2. Al
  3. Z-Man
  4. Brad
  5. Sean
  7. Jeff
  8. Stephen
  9. Dr. John
  10. Glen
  11. Ron
  12. Nuck Tats
  13. Chris
  14. Doug
  15. David
  16. Jeff
  17. Jeremy
  18. Todd
  19. Dylan
  20. Khao

Ride of the Night: As captain of Team Pink Sean could have easily sat in and made his peons do all the work, but he went to the front on the Zeeb section and put in a pull hard enough that his team got worried that he’d burn out. He didn’t, and he stuck in for a 5th place finish and added a point to the team score.

DON’T FORGET: Next week is a special NACHO… 4PM … 100 miles… ON A FUCKING WEDNESDAY.


June 7th: Really, really sorry about this video

I mean wow; it’s impressively terrible. Jesus.

As enters the first full month of full-length routes and good weather the crowd is getting consistent, and a few new faces each week. One serious problem is that Danny keeps winning, which is boring for everyone not-Danny. So with the specific purpose of trolling Danny we invented a race for Waters that makes Danny start a couple minutes behind everyone else. It was awesome for everyone not-Danny.

Inspired by the Hammer Series, teams started Waters at :30 intervals in reverse finish order of the fastest rider from last week – the first team with three riders across Wagner, regardless of start position, wins. This wasn’t perfect, but, you know, suck it. Ideally it would create Hott Racing Action for one and all, except Danny. Primes were off, because, what?

Team Brown (John, other John, Ron and Bill) started first, followed by Green (Glen, Brad, Dylan, Brian and some dude who didn’t upload his ride), then Pink (Stephen, Brian, Andy, Cameron and Chris), then Orange (Al, Matt, Harvey, Jay, PotoKing) and finally Fluo (Danny, Sam, Sean, WhamWham & Jeff). Wouldn’t it be funny if Sam had intentionally chose Fluo to be on Danny’s team w/o knowing that we had intentionally handicapped him? It’s possible… or he chose Fluo to match his ski goggles.

Brown & Green got off to a solid start, keeping most of their riders in contact through the Fletcher section. Pink, on the other hand, immediately shed half of their team through the potholes and with Orange hot on their hot tails, they would be the first to get swallowed up.

By half-way through the Parker section, Green had caught Brown and merged into Super Group, Temple of The Dog (RIP Chris Cornell) and had a 30 second gap on Orange+Stephen, and an unchanged gap of 30 seconds back to Fluo – but with the rollers coming up, anything could happen! Suspense! Mystery! Fake Racing!

Orange made the catch on Super Group, Temple of the Dog (RIP Chris Cornell) early on the Zeeb section, but burnt Matt in the process and were down to the minimum 3 riders. Super Group, Temple of the Dog (RIP Chris Cornell) was able to tag up with Orange, and with Brad making an epic close to jump on the caboose and for Super Group, Audioslave (RIP Chris Cornell). Fluo had to ease up through the rollers to keep their team in tact and the gap opened to 40 seconds.

On the falsest of Flats things got interesting in Super Group Audioslave (RIP Chris Cornell). Orange was down to 3 riders, and had tired legs from the chase. Green had four riders still and were sitting in – Somehow Orange had to shed a couple of Green from the group, without shedding their own. HOTT RACING ACTION! The plan was for Al to sit on the front while Jay & Harvey went to the back to attack and hopefully get separation while Al hopefully could cover Green’s 3rd man. Then Stephen, who dropped his team in the first section and had nothing to live for, ruined everything by just blowing up Super Group, Audioslave (RIP Chris Cornell) all together. That was until an overly polite teenager (whut?) got confused about what to do with turning a car, and held everyone up at Zeeb long enough to get the band back together. Al was having none of that shit and buried it over the first rise into the Wagner section and dropped the group down to Stephen, Glen, Jay & Al – but no one had 3 riders, the race was on behind.

There was a full minute back to Fluo from the leaders, but they had kept their team together and Harvey (Orange #3) and Brad (Green #3) were in no-mans-land and losing ground fast. Harvey nipped Brad in an irresponsible washboard sprint finish for the team win, with Green an uncomfortably close 2nd. Fluo closed to within :15 seconds of the Harvey-Brad sprint, meaning all teams finished their 3rd within a tight margin. Not bad for totally made up starting gaps and randomly chosen teams. Also, Danny didn’t win, which was the fucking point. Success!


Champs: Team Orange (Jay, Al, Matt, PotoKing, Harvey)

  • 2nd: Green (Brad, Glen, Dylan, Brian)
  • 3rd: Brown (Ron, John, John, Bill)
  • 4th: Fluo (Danny, Sam, WhamWham, Jeff, Sean)
  • 5th: Pink (Stephen, Brian, Andy, Cameron and Chris)

Ride of the Night: Brad was on the front for Green when Orange passed them, hard. Brad dug fucking deep, closed the gap, and jumped on the back to keep his team complete, and it came down to an eventual sprint finish for the win. All this only a few months out from a broken leg. Big ride man. Big ride.


May Last: This won’t last

30 odd folks showed up for Nacho. I mean, really, really odd folks. Great to see some new faces, and we put up with Stephen still showing up. The Kanton Kitty Krew came out in force; they seem to be adding a dude each week… not in the good way.

This week points were given for primes and for each rider a team has in the top 10 at Wagner. So, the most of your color scrunchie in the top ten, plus primes, wins right? While this is absolute simplest form of fake racing we have ever done, it was utterly baffling to the collection of shitheels on Nachoride. After a solid 20 minutes of Q&A, about half of the riders were confident that they might, possibly, know how to count to ten. I know right. I know.

No time was wasted on waters though. Sweet Seth kicked up the pace right away, and after a little warmup Al went to the front to thin out the pack. Danny was patient going into the first prime at Fletcher and easily landed it.

WhamWham attacked on the flats for Team Hott Pynk to start the Parker section. He opened  a decent gap that Sam bridged for Team Shitbrown to form a little two person group. He ditched his break-buddy on the rollers though (rookie move, brah) and heading into the final set was within striking distance for the prime. Al cued up a dead-fish for him, but with Danny on his wheel, and Team Green with one prime already, they let Sam stay away until the line to split the prime points.

The group rolled up all together to start the Zeeb Section. Through the flats a quick inventory of the lead group of 12 had Team Hott Pynk, Team Shitbrown & Team Green with solid representation. Which two would be shed to form the final 10? Who would take the prime at Zeeb (no, fuck that, we know it’s Danny. He does shit work on the Falsest of Flats). As to not bore you… let’s say that Al didn’t go hard on the falsest of flats, and that Danny didn’t just sit on his wheel and come around at the end. And that since Danny was on his wheel, Al kept a little in the tank, allowing Sam to hang on. Let’s say that didn’t happen. Let’s say something unique and interesting happened. Let’s say Danny decided to try an attack because fake racing is about trying things. Let’s say there were some crazy team tactics and not a boring sack of the same shit every week. Yeah. that’s the ticket.

ANYWAY the whatever awesome shit happened at Zeeb, a little group of Al, Danny & Sam had a small gap to start the Wagner section. Al kept the pedal down while Sam and Danny totally fucked around. BTW – it’s called fucking around, not “Reindeer Games” which Sam seems intent on calling this kind of racing. Like seriously. Like Reindeer Games. Really. He keeps saying that shit. Anyway, Danny won easily by sitting on the wheel and coming around. Al sat up to dead-fish Sam at the line. Stephen held out in no-man’s-land for 4th and Jay nipped around Glen and Potoking for Best-of-the-rest. The group was pretty shattered though after a hard chase and the rest came in ones and twos.

Results (kind of)

Champs: Team Shitbrown (sam, rich, glen, potoking, ??). WHAT? Team Green clearly tied?! What gives? Well, Danny got -1 for picking the same color every week. That’s how the nacho crumbles (arbitrarily).

  1. Danny (green)
  2. Al (hott pynk)
  3. Sam (shitbrown)
  4. Stephen (fluo)
  5. Jay (green)
  6. Glen (shitbrown)
  7. PotoKing (shitbrown)
  8. Seth (green)
  9. Rich (Shitbrown)
  10. Harvey (Hott pynk)
  11. Andy (Hott pynk)
  12. Doug
  13. Ron
  14. Dave
  15. David
  16. Craig
  17. Bill
  18. Sean
  19. Chris
  20. WhaWham
  21. Ethan
  22. Cameron
  23. Alan
  24. Jim


  • Fletcher – Danny
  • Parker – Sam
  • Zeeb – Danny

Ride of the Night: WhamWham with a big attack mid-way and holding the front group until a poorly timed flat. WhamWham threw caution to the wind and put in the big efforts that make fun.

May 24: Home Alone 7: Wet n’ Wylde

With Al & the 3T folks off in SoCal for the Belgian Waffle Ride, and pouring rain here in Michigan – Nacho this week did some muddy messing around. A healthy dose of respect for holding shit down even in crap weather. That said, they could have ridden harder. Also FYI, I think PONPONPON has to do with diapers. Not sure.

May 17: To the Gutter Geeves!

The Respectable Triathlete Crew earned the “respectable” bit by ripping the shit out of some gravel, but this week they’re off doing a half Ironman. Half? Half? C’mon losers. We’re taking the “R” back out of RTC. Most of the 3T/QM folks were missing too, getting haircuts, in California or in the case of Danny… WHO FUCKING KNOWS. Thankfully The Canton Crew showed up in force, including New-Guy-DougB. With the missing bodies, about 25 rolled out from HOMES. That was until Nuck Tats got three flats and called a tow truck. Truth. Turns out the USA Cycling roadside assistance thing is real. I KNOW RIGHT?

The long route also shed some bodies early with Ethan telling team pink “Let’s go home and put our scrunchies in a tree.” WARNING: Pink Scrunchie in a Tree is a move only for the most adventurous lovers. After the attrition, the weekly powerhouse of team-green had retained its horespower with the added mystery of new-guy-DouggyB, while orange looked to have the best balance and yellow was strong, but you never know when Stephen is gonna shit the bed.

With a big group, a strong crosswind, and a lot of question marks in the field – Al immediately put it in the gutter for the entire Fletcher section. This was a dick move. Surveying the damage, Team Green (ZMan, New-Guy-DouggggggyB), Yellow (Al, Sam, Stephen) and Team Orange  (“Just Glen”) had made it through that gutter bullshit. Sam nipped the prime for Yellow.

Onto the Parker Section, with Rich and Dave on the front of the chase group within striking distance, The leaders moved into an echelon to hold a hard pace. New-Guy-DouggggggggggggyBbbbbbbeeeee took a hard pull and popped off “Just Glen,” leaving Yellow & Orange as a five-man break. Well, until New-Guy-Dougggggggggggggggggggggggy0bbbbbeeeeeasssssszzzz dropped himself after that hard pull; Nacho is nothing if not disloyal & unforgiving. This is about when Al noticed his seat post was slowly sinking. This is why you don’t mess with your bike 5 minutes before a ride. You dolt. He went to the front of the echelon and now with his balls on the top tube, he offered exactly zero draft. That was the end of ZMan & Team Green. Team Yellow was all alone through the Parker Prime.

Into the Zeeb Section Team Yellow worked together, keeping an eye on the roaring train of Dave & Rich, picking up all the droppings from the front group. Rich’s S.E.T.I. lights still visible. Is he 100m or 1k back? Who knows – those things are bright as fuck. The chase was gaining so once on the The Falsest of Flats, enjoying the luxury of not having Danny sprint around him, Al rode hard on the front. That was the end of Stephen, and then Sam, and then Al’s knees. Also the race. Al took the Zeeb Prime and the Final at Wagz in a lonely, sad, balls-to-top-tube, roll. ZMan took a bold early move for the field sprint.

Results (probably!)

Champs: Team Yellow (Sam, Al, Craig, Stephen) with a flat 0 points ran away with this one. Boring. Orange pulled off a surprise 2nd (7pts) with Dave’s king ride.

  1. Al (yellow)
  2. Stephen (yellow)
  3. Sam (yellow)
  4. ZMan (green)
  5. Jeff (orange)
  6. Glen (orange)
  7. Dave (orange)
  8. Rich (Skins)
  9. New-Guy-DougyB (Green)
  10. Sean
  11. Dr. John (Green)
  12. Andy
  13. Craig (yellow)
  14. Cameron
  15. Brian
  16. David
  17. Ally


  • Fletcher: Sam (yellow)
  • Parker: Al (yellow)
  • Zeeb: Al (yellow)

Ride of the Night: Dave Fucking Fury. Dave held within a minute of the lead group and went back to make sure no one rode to the brewery alone. This dude. THIS DUDE.


May 10th: & there Was Much Fucking ’round

Oh man. That video is still so terrible. So, so sorry about that. Really. Racket County… you’re the fucking worst.

With the group consistently in the 30s, and the weather consistently nice, Nachoride has developed a nice bunch that stays together for awhile. On waters, that is. During the slow part of #slowthenfastthennachos, apparently Danny goes after KOMs and blows the group up while Al is back babysitting Sean. What a dick.

After random scrunchie selection, all eyes were on Team Orange (Matt, Jay, Kyle) Team Green (Danny, Stephen, Sam) and Team Shit (Al, Glen, Frank, Kevin). Note: these teams had other people on them, but about 10% of you jerks followed ride-naming instructions. Waters was in worse condition than a cheese danish in a beagle factory, so flats and chains were flying everywhere in the first few miles. Team Shit lost Al early on with a dropped chain, Team Green lost respect early on because Sam was hopping around like … well, like Sam. Stop that. Don’t get too down on Sam though, Team Green would lose much, much more respect as the ride goes on. With Al off the back, Frank went early for the Fletcher Prime and stayed away.

Frank was able to stay away for half of the Parker sector, where Sam bridged up and then counter attacked. The bunch let him stay away for the Parker prime, mostly so because they were sick of him hopping all over the place like a, like a… you know, there’s really no better metaphor than Sam. He hopped around Sam. Also, the bunch was going really, really slow; we know this because Al was able to sneak back into the back of the bunch just before Parker.

A huge group entered the Zeeb sector and as usual everyone was getting a little nervous about such a big group in the sprint. Stephen took a pull into the bottom of the Falsest of Flats, which was a drop in the bucket for Team Green who really needed to step it up and pull their weight. Don’t worry Green, Shit has your back and went to the front to ramp things up. It got hard, as usual up to the Zeeb sign. Then, Danny, as usual, took a free ride to the prime. Everyone knew it was going to happen. No one thinks it’s cool.

A group of four (Danny, Sam, Al & Frank) came into the final sector as the lone survivors of the hill. Sam, Frank & Al did a solid job of keeping the pace up to hold the gap. Danny did nothing. With 2 green & 2 Shit in the group, it might have gotten tactical, except that Al thought Danny & Sam were on different teams and didn’t worry about them working together. He tried to lead out Frank, which failed miserably. Danny took the final at Wagner easily, and we’ll let him have it, because he doesn’t have anything else.

Results (ish)

Champs: Team Shit (5pts) edges out Team Green (7pts) with a strong performance from Glen to come in just behind the front group, plus Frank’s early prime. Team Orange may be tied for 2nd if Ron is on Orange but… he didn’t tag his upload, like a dick.

  1. Danny (green)
  2. Frank (shit)
  3. Sam (green)
  4. Al (shit)
  5. Jay (orange)
  6. Glen (shit)
  7. Ron
  8. Matt (orange)
  9. Stephen (green)
  10. Dave
  11. Jeremy
  12. Kevin (shit)
  13. Kurt (pink)
  14. David
  15. Cameron
  16. Brian
  17. Craig (pink)
  18. Ethan (pink)
  19. Dylan
  20. Chris
  21. Ken
  22. AJO
  23. Christina
  24. Sean


  • Fletcher: Frank (shit)
  • Parker: Sam (green)
  • Zeeb: Danny (green)

Ride of the Night: Ron put in a massive effort to bump up to 7th this week from 21st one week ago. He was one of the last survivors of the acceleration up to Zeeb, nearly stayed on the front four, and even got a gap on Matt – and that dude has an Ironman tat.