May 3rd: Dammmm Danneee

Michigan’s spring weather has been cloudy with 100% chance of bullshit, but the cycling gods, they love Nachoride. With Wednesday’s weather being the only all week that wasn’t a cruel joke, another record crowd rolled out of HOMES. Scrunchies were shuffled a bit better this week, puff, puff pass and all that. We think Z-man cheated by scoping Danny’s scrunchie – but Z-man is gonna scope a man’s scrunchie. What are you gonna do?

Waters started steady; the pace picked up to a decent clip and on his 2nd visit to Nachoride, Z-man went early for the Fletcher Prime. Sam made a late, desperate attempt to catch him out before the sign. It was doomed from the start. What those boners didn’t realize was that Al was tucked quietly into Sam’s panic-scramble for the prime. Danny & Colin did realize it – and those fuckers were gone.

Danny (Green), Colin (Skins) & Al (Shit) had a small gap to start the Parker section. Stephen almost made the bridge but crossed up wheels and chickened out. But, you know what they say – “almost only counts in hand grenades and hepatitis.” Danny, Al & Colin worked together through the rollers to establish the gap. It was a lot of work. No one thought it was cool, but everyone thought it was too much work to chase. A chase group formed of Alan, Tom, Kevin, Frank, Sam, Seth, John, Matt & Sean. Danny & Al let Colin pull into the prime at Parker. Danny went early and Al went late for the line which led to a wheel-throw decision. Who throws a wheel for a stop ahead? There aren’t any cameras, idiots. Anyway, witnesses say Al had it. Also, Danny made Al do a bunch of work up to Zeeb so he deserves it.

Colin got gapped by the acceleration for the Prime and Danny & Al worked together again. The gap to the chase group was up to a minute, but everyone was tired. Pulling up the Falsest of Flats to Zeeb is a long, slow torture. Even at one minute you can see the group, with Colin suffering alone in no man’s land. Danny let Al pull into the prime and then zipped around to take it, when he saw the gap he kept motoring through.

The long breakaway took its toll; the three leaders, all separate now by a few seconds, realized it didn’t have to hurt like this, and just mashed pedals to the final at Wagner, finishing Danny (Green), Al (Shit) & Colin (Skins). They got to watch the Best of the Rest sprint of Geriatric proportions. The chase group was down to five with Alan taking the final from Sam, Matt, John & Frank – completing two in a row from the Cantonese. That’s what you call people from Canton right? There’s no other meaning to that word. Nope. Cantonese. From Canton, MI. That’s it.

Results: Probably (ish)

CHAMPS: Team Orange with 9pts and the upset! No primes, but keeping three together until the end pays off big. Weekly powerhouses Team Shit & Team Green pulled in the top spots and primes but neglected their teammates and tied for 2nd w/ 10pts each.

  1. Danny (green)
  2. Al (shit)
  3. Colin (skins)
  4. Alan (green)
  5. Matt (orange)
  6. Frank (skins)
  7. Sam (pink)
  8. John B. (orange)
  9. Chris (orange)
  10. Andy (shit)
  11. Kevin (shit)
  12. Stephen (green)
  13. Tom
  14. Christina
  15. Sean
  16. Dave
  17. Dr. John
  18. Kurt
  19. Cat
  20. Ken
  21. Ron
  22. Seth
  23. Matthew
  24. Craig
  25. Brian
  26. Cameron
  27. Bill
  28. Ethan
  29. Dylan
  30. Aaron
  31. Ryan
  32. AJO


  • Fletcher: Alan
  • Parker: Al
  • Zeeb: Danny

Ride of the Night: Alan was a focused machine and gave Nachoride the respect it deserves. He studied up from last week and nailed the bunch sprints flawlessly at Fletcher and the final at Wagner.

April 26: Al Cheats as Hard as he Drinks

The nice weather and promise of Little Cotton Colons® for team tracking brought thirty riders to Nacho this week. With all the new faces, Al brought a bunch of color-coded “scrunchies” which we’ll be calling Little Cotton Colons® … for legal reasons. This would allow easy tracking of teams for Waters, and also a really great way for Al to stack the fuck out of his team by “randomly” pulling colons® out of his bag®.

In order to keep things interesting in the face of the behemoth that was team Green Cotton Colon, only the third place rider would count. Also, no math. Fuck math. Primes were active at -1.  The teams, Green, Yellow, Orange, Brown, Pink and Skins, started Waters knowing that team Green of Al, Danny, Stephen, Ryan & JB was going to destroy everyone, but there was glory on the line and a dark horse. Sometimes you wonder – how do I spot a dark horse? It’s knuckle tattoos. Nuck Tats = watch out. Hashtag forshadowing.

The big group stayed big for quite some time. With the exception of a Mongo-John’s flat, the teams kept at least 3 in the main field through the first segment to Fletcher. Oh, except Ryan was off the front for Team Green sweeping up the prime.

Parker section saw a few attacks with some separation happening over the stairsteps, a little group of Danny, Al, Stephen, Ryan & Jay formed off the front. Danny nabbed the prime for Team Green Cotton Colon … but they fucked around after the sprint and let the group come back together. Why? This makes no sense. As they say never again.

With the group back together up to Zeeb, Ryan attacked again and pulled in the third prime for TGCC, but we knew that. Becoming terrified of the 20up downhill sprint, in the dark, through potholes, into oncoming traffic, Al decided to sacrifice himself after Zeeb to keep the pace up and make sure the group was stretched out. Okay, mostly he was just trying to get rid of Harvey “IT’S NEVER OVER” Elliot… for legal reasons.

Coming into the final sprint TGCC had four riders up front, so Danny decided to quit for no reason since he wasn’t needed. Show off. Still with three left, and all the primes, TGCC had the overall wrapped up – but who would take Wagner glory? Frank put in one last, valiant attack that almost stuck. Since Al is generally terrified of the Wagner sprint, he went to the front and strung out the line, assuming Stephen, Ryan, Alan or Christina would come around on the line.

Then, as if teleported via the astral plane, the spirit of Huy emerged … except even bigger, less Asian, and with more nuck tats. Seth came through on the line with a pothole-sprint that showed a true, deep, disrespect for human life.

Results (ish – after top 5 via Strava Flyby)

Champs: Team Green Cotton Colon (Danny, Stephen, Ryan, Al, JB) – 1pt (4-3)

Primes: Fletcher: Ryan, Parker: Danny, Zeeb: Ryan


  1. Seth
  2. Al
  3. Ryan
  4. Stephen (TGCC 3rd)
  5. Frank
  6. Scott
  7. Matt
  8. Glen
  9. Justin
  10. Christina
  11. Tom
  12. Jay
  13. Alan
  14. Sean
  15. Ron
  16. Chris
  17. Ken
  18. JB
  19. Craig
  20. William
  21. AJ
  22. Brad
  23. Brian
  24. Matthew
  25. Ethan
  26. Danny
  27. Mongol John

Ride of the Night: Frank put in some serious digs early and one late that nearly upset the whole thing for the big teams tonight.


April 19: Soggy Nacho, Hot Beef

This week Nacho tried to thread the needle between downpours and at least get a few miles of pavement in before getting super hammered at the HOMES opening night. That kind of worked out, if by “threading the needle between downpours” we count “getting totally soaked.” Since the bulk of the night was spent eating and drinking at HOMES, this write-up will reflect that.

First, let’s get this out of the way: Mongol John, Garden of Ethan, Slippery D, Old Jay, Dr. Krauss, Not Geary Sean & Al get three series bonus points for showing up on shit weather day. That would matter if we had a series scoring system. Which we don’t. We do have nicknames though, so there you go. Tessa & Glen get -1 for showing up for beer without getting wet first.

Now, to be really honest, HOMES only needed to be just fine and we’d go there and love it and say nice things. The location, and few options on the West Side set up for a shitload of cyclists really sets a low bar. If we drink beer, eat and heckle Freds in smelly lycra without feeling unwanted we’re happy. HOMES however, isn’t just fine. It’s fucking-bananas great. But not fucking bananas great. Don’t fuck bananas.

The first prime at Fletcher was taken by the There There, a Saison that opened up the sprint early but was able to hold it all the way until we got back into the beer line. The Parker section, usually punctuated by attacks on the rollers, was instead held steady by the Same Same Different & King Cold Brew which were both delicious and shared the prime at Parker. On the Zeeb section the kitchen came through strong with some Korean Beef Bowls (okay, it’s Bi Bim Bop – but good Bop is good Bop). The final at Wagner has to go to the Lazer Light Show which some of the riders doubled down on. It’s a double IPA at 8.7%, but even Al had two despite preferring his beer as weak as humanly possible because he is so weak himself. It’s so good. Also, spelling Lazer with a ‘Z’ … on purpose? Probably. We’ve always felt “laser” was a total waste of a zopportunity too.

Ride of the night: Al for making it home after two Lazer Light Shows.

April 12th – Needs tweaking, possibly tweakers.

Last week kicked off with a July crowd. That is to say, there were a lot of folks, normally not expected until July. Not that other kind of “July Crowd” which nobody likes… in public at least. This is where most of you think July Crowd is a real thing that people say.

With a crowd of 20 rolling from HOMES, it was a great start to the season. It was also, a total surprise and the “organizers” of this shit-show were thoroughly unprepared. With early season flat-tires, mechanical issues and general just not knowing who anyone is, the procession to Waters was a bit herkyjerky but just like Herky Jerky, everyone took it in stride with smile, thanks for that. This is where most of you think Herky Jerky is a real person that people love (to hate!).

Shawn shows the group how to ride Nature Cut on your face.

Having absolutely no clue who anyone was, Al did a standard South-Carolina-Count-Off to divide teams. Except, you know, without the rash. This is where most of you think South Carolina is a real place, where people drink bat’s milk. The problem with the count-off is that there’s no one person who knows the whole team. What followed was a lot of mixing about trying to figure out who was on each team, and inevitably at least one person on each not caring enough to pay attention… and it only takes one to ruin the fun for everyone… Kurt.

So we did our best. Well Danny did his best. He really gave it the old college try. Things rolled up relatively slowly before the first prime at Fletcher. Matt & NewGuyFrank tested the waters before Sam decided to go really early, with his fenders rattling and chattering. You know what’s terrifying? Riding 50kph behind Sam’s janky-ass fenders. Stop that. Anyway, at some point Danny came around the three or four folks who chased Sam and grabbed the Fletcher Prime.

The Parker section played out as it does. A small regrouping after the prime into a front group of Danny, Jay, Kyle, Glen, Matt & Al w/ a chase group forming of Sam, Christina, John, Brian & Cat. At some point Sam managed to bridge up to the front and immediately fall back. Science doesn’t know why, but Strava FlyBys don’t lie. Danny gobbled up the prime at parker because why not. It was starting to look like either nobody had the legs to take Danny today, or nobody cares about Fake Racing. It’s one of those.

The true test always comes on the Zeeb section. At 180 vertical feet, it’s basically Mt. Everest. Traditionally protective of the Falsest of Flats, Al waited too long and Danny grabbed a little gap for the Zeeb prime as well, with the lead group settling into a rhythm of steady pace and then Danny sprinting for stop signs, we hope there was some hot action behind them (not the good kind).

Going into the final section, Al was trying to keep it steady as team Nude Marcus (oh right! Team names are a thing we do) still had two riders in the lead group. Just hold it until the finish for the easy win; but Danny’s attack up to Zeeb & the little bump after the road crossing popped Glen off the back. He would eventually be caught and passed by the entire chase group. We have no idea how or why he let this happen.

Everyone let Al sit on the front, as usual, and then Kyle attacked on that same little rise that he always does. Al was already up to speed since, well, even the Pope knew Kyle was going to attack there. All back together in the lead group, Danny opened up the final sprint in true Waters fashion – at dusk, into oncoming traffic, basically blind. The chase group was only seconds behind and if Brian had not gotten a flat, would have all been within a minute or two on Waters.

NO TEAM CHAMP this week as the system was unwieldy and no one knows who was on what team. Don’t worry there’s a solution for the future. Things will get better. For now…

Results… probably… ish

  • Fletcher: Danny
  • Parker: Danny
  • Zeeb: Danny

Final / Wagner

  1. Danny
  2. Al
  3. Matt
  4. Kyle
  5. Jay
  6. Sam
  7. Frank
  8. Glen
  9. Christina
  10. Shawn
  11. John
  12. Cat
  13. Pete
  14. Craig
  15. Rich
  16. Kurt
  17. Brian
  18. Kathleen
  19. Dylan
  20. Will

Ride of the Night: Christina rode the majority of Waters on her own, and still managed to pull within a minute of the lead group on her first If she grabs a wheel, QOMs (and KOMs) be fallin’ soon.

nananaKnock On Not Snowing

After six trillion years of snow, ice and hypothermia, 55 degrees and not-raining felt like a warm blanket of live otters. With daylight steadily increasing everyone can feel the season approaching. This last edition of pre-season was still on the shorter route but mixed in some attacking on Waters rd.

Well, mostly Danny mixed in the bullshit. He went early and often with everyone’s legs still thawing out from Barry-Roubaix on Saturday. Al chased and then Danny made him do all of the work. Classic Huy move, except less sweaty. Cat & Sarah were on their first and QOM’d everything… in fact Sarah made a solid attempt to unseat Huy’s overall KOM on the final Waters sprint segment – proving once and for all that gender does not determine one’s ability to ride irresponsibly fast, over potholes, into oncoming traffic, in the dark.

HOMES doesn’t open for two more weeks so we drank our dinner.

2017 Fake Racing

Nachoride is as Nachoride does. Nachoride isn’t a thing. Nachoride is a thing. Nachoride happens. Nachoride doesn’t happen. Sometimes when it happens there’s fake racing. When all of these conditions = true, come to this internet to possibly get made fun of. That’s it. Those are the rules. #slowthenfastthennachos.

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