This week Nacho tried to thread the needle between downpours and at least get a few miles of pavement in before getting super hammered at the HOMES opening night. That kind of worked out, if by “threading the needle between downpours” we count “getting totally soaked.” Since the bulk of the night was spent eating and drinking at HOMES, this write-up will reflect that.
First, let’s get this out of the way: Mongol John, Garden of Ethan, Slippery D, Old Jay, Dr. Krauss, Not Geary Sean & Al get three series bonus points for showing up on shit weather day. That would matter if we had a series scoring system. Which we don’t. We do have nicknames though, so there you go. Tessa & Glen get -1 for showing up for beer without getting wet first.
Now, to be really honest, HOMES only needed to be just fine and we’d go there and love it and say nice things. The location, and few options on the West Side set up for a shitload of cyclists really sets a low bar. If we drink beer, eat and heckle Freds in smelly lycra without feeling unwanted we’re happy. HOMES however, isn’t just fine. It’s fucking-bananas great. But not fucking bananas great. Don’t fuck bananas.
The first prime at Fletcher was taken by the There There, a Saison that opened up the sprint early but was able to hold it all the way until we got back into the beer line. The Parker section, usually punctuated by attacks on the rollers, was instead held steady by the Same Same Different & King Cold Brew which were both delicious and shared the prime at Parker. On the Zeeb section the kitchen came through strong with some Korean Beef Bowls (okay, it’s Bi Bim Bop – but good Bop is good Bop). The final at Wagner has to go to the Lazer Light Show which some of the riders doubled down on. It’s a double IPA at 8.7%, but even Al had two despite preferring his beer as weak as humanly possible because he is so weak himself. It’s so good. Also, spelling Lazer with a ‘Z’ … on purpose? Probably. We’ve always felt “laser” was a total waste of a zopportunity too.
Ride of the night: Al for making it home after two Lazer Light Shows.
Last week Nachori.de kicked off with a July crowd. That is to say, there were a lot of folks, normally not expected until July. Not that other kind of “July Crowd” which nobody likes… in public at least. This is where most of you think July Crowd is a real thing that people say.
With a crowd of 20 rolling from HOMES, it was a great start to the season. It was also, a total surprise and the “organizers” of this shit-show were thoroughly unprepared. With early season flat-tires, mechanical issues and general just not knowing who anyone is, the procession to Waters was a bit herkyjerky but just like Herky Jerky, everyone took it in stride with smile, thanks for that. This is where most of you think Herky Jerky is a real person that people love (to hate!).
Having absolutely no clue who anyone was, Al did a standard South-Carolina-Count-Off to divide teams. Except, you know, without the rash. This is where most of you think South Carolina is a real place, where people drink bat’s milk. The problem with the count-off is that there’s no one person who knows the whole team. What followed was a lot of mixing about trying to figure out who was on each team, and inevitably at least one person on each not caring enough to pay attention… and it only takes one to ruin the fun for everyone… Kurt.
So we did our best. Well Danny did his best. He really gave it the old college try. Things rolled up relatively slowly before the first prime at Fletcher. Matt & NewGuyFrank tested the waters before Sam decided to go really early, with his fenders rattling and chattering. You know what’s terrifying? Riding 50kph behind Sam’s janky-ass fenders. Stop that. Anyway, at some point Danny came around the three or four folks who chased Sam and grabbed the Fletcher Prime.
The Parker section played out as it does. A small regrouping after the prime into a front group of Danny, Jay, Kyle, Glen, Matt & Al w/ a chase group forming of Sam, Christina, John, Brian & Cat. At some point Sam managed to bridge up to the front and immediately fall back. Science doesn’t know why, but Strava FlyBys don’t lie. Danny gobbled up the prime at parker because why not. It was starting to look like either nobody had the legs to take Danny today, or nobody cares about Fake Racing. It’s one of those.
The true test always comes on the Zeeb section. At 180 vertical feet, it’s basically Mt. Everest. Traditionally protective of the Falsest of Flats, Al waited too long and Danny grabbed a little gap for the Zeeb prime as well, with the lead group settling into a rhythm of steady pace and then Danny sprinting for stop signs, we hope there was some hot action behind them (not the good kind).
Going into the final section, Al was trying to keep it steady as team Nude Marcus (oh right! Team names are a thing we do) still had two riders in the lead group. Just hold it until the finish for the easy win; but Danny’s attack up to Zeeb & the little bump after the road crossing popped Glen off the back. He would eventually be caught and passed by the entire chase group. We have no idea how or why he let this happen.
Everyone let Al sit on the front, as usual, and then Kyle attacked on that same little rise that he always does. Al was already up to speed since, well, even the Pope knew Kyle was going to attack there. All back together in the lead group, Danny opened up the final sprint in true Waters fashion – at dusk, into oncoming traffic, basically blind. The chase group was only seconds behind and if Brian had not gotten a flat, Nachori.de would have all been within a minute or two on Waters.
NO TEAM CHAMP this week as the system was unwieldy and no one knows who was on what team. Don’t worry there’s a solution for the future. Things will get better. For now…
Results… probably… ish
Final / Wagner
Ride of the Night: Christina rode the majority of Waters on her own, and still managed to pull within a minute of the lead group on her first Nachori.de. If she grabs a wheel, QOMs (and KOMs) be fallin’ soon.
After six trillion years of snow, ice and hypothermia, 55 degrees and not-raining felt like a warm blanket of live otters. With daylight steadily increasing everyone can feel the season approaching. This last edition of pre-season Nachori.de was still on the shorter route but mixed in some attacking on Waters rd.
Well, mostly Danny mixed in the bullshit. He went early and often with everyone’s legs still thawing out from Barry-Roubaix on Saturday. Al chased and then Danny made him do all of the work. Classic Huy move, except less sweaty. Cat & Sarah were on their first Nachori.de and QOM’d everything… in fact Sarah made a solid attempt to unseat Huy’s overall KOM on the final Waters sprint segment – proving once and for all that gender does not determine one’s ability to ride irresponsibly fast, over potholes, into oncoming traffic, in the dark.
Nachoride is as Nachoride does. Nachoride isn’t a thing. Nachoride is a thing. Nachoride happens. Nachoride doesn’t happen. Sometimes when it happens there’s fake racing. When all of these conditions = true, come to this internet to possibly get made fun of. That’s it. Those are the rules. #slowthenfastthennachos.